Age 21 - ED, relapses, masturbation may have jumpstarted final healing
First post: June, 9, 2012 - 21 year old. Porn addict. My background leading to my story: I found out about porn when I was about 10 years old. I started masturbating around 9. Although I knew about porn, I always masturbated without it. Mostly because I didn’t have access to it. By 12, I got a porn magazine from my cousin. I occasionally masturbated to it, but I would say that 90% of the time, I would masturbate without it. At the age of 13, I started to masturbate to porn more often [about 5 times a month], but because I had a girlfriend [which lasted until I was 15] it still wasn’t a lot. I would usually make out with my gf, we would feel each other up and I would masturbate later. After my girlfriend and I broke up, I started to masturbate to porn more frequently. At this point, I would say I masturbated to porn about 10 times a month. But I would still masturbate without it at the same rate. The duration of each masturbation session was between 15-25 minutes. It started going downhill fast at the age of 18.
I had easy access to porn and a lot of time alone at home. I went from masturbating around 5 times a week, 50% of the time with porn, to 7-10 times a week, 95% of the time with porn. My masturbation sessions increased to about 35-45 minutes at this time. Occasionally, I would give myself a 2-4 day break because my erections started getting weaker. I thought this was because I was overdoing it. After the break, my erections were strong again and I continued on.
When I turned 20. I had no idea what was going on anymore. I questioned if I was addicted to porn. I started masturbating 10-14 times a week, 99% of the time to porn. My masturbation sessions lasted about 2-4 HOURS at this point. If I tried masturbating without it, it would take me 20 minutes to even get an erection. I even started having trouble getting erections to porn. I would take my 2-4 day break, come back and have trouble getting it up. I started freaking out thinking I have ED and I started googling a bunch of stuff and couldn’t find much.
So I continued masturbating because at least I was EVENTUALLY able to get an erection. This is where it gets weird. One day I was browsing through videos, trying to find a good scene to get me hard. I click on what seemed to be a girl-on-girl video, but soon found out that it was actually tranny porn. I was just about to exit out of it because I’m straight and it grossed me the hell out. The thing is, I got hard. This confused me so much, because the thought of tranny's before made me go soft. Now suddenly I'm going hard?I really started freaking out because I questioned whether or not I was really straight, and if the reason why I’m not getting hard anymore is because I’m not attracted to women. After googling this for about 2 hours, I found that a lot of straight men supposedly watch and masturbate to tranny porn. They also said this happened to them out of the blue. This made me feel a little better.
So what I started doing was I used the tranny porn to get me hard so I can move on to the heterosexual porn where I’d finish. Without realizing, I was soon even watching a bunch of other taboo or more extreme porn that I never would have even considered watching a couple of years ago. I started feeling disgusting after I was done masturbating because I couldn’t believe I let myself get to this point. I just couldn’t stop my self.
So about a week ago I decided I was going to stop watching porn for good and masturbation for a little while. Well, after 4 days I completely collapsed. I masturbated 4 times in one day to porn. Then 3 more times the next day.
I couldn't believe myself. So what I recently did was set up a porn block thing on my computer and erased all the videos I had saved onto my computer. I think this is an appropriate first step.
Let's see how this goes.
UPDATE October 14, 2012
Sorry to the guys looking for an update a few months ago. I had some personal stuff going on and just wasn’t spending any time on the computer. I can’t remember exactly how long I went without watching porn or masturbating, but it was over 3 weeks.
I did relapse though. Badly. I think the cause was two things. Because of the personal things I had going on, I feel like I needed an escape to get my mind off of them. Friends worked, but I was still home alone in my room at the end of the day. This was also around the time I got a new computer.. so I didn’t have any filters.
So… you guys know where this is going. The first time I M to P, I did notice a difference in my erection though. It was extremely hard and after I ejaculated, it stayed hard for 1-2 minutes. This hasn’t happened in YEARS. That’s probably the worst thing that could have happened though. If it was a sluggish erection and it didn’t feel good, I might have snapped back into it and got back on track. But, I got cocky and kept it going. After that first time, I did it again half hour later. Then I went into a downward spiral.
When I went back to PMO, still pictures of hot naked woman got me hard. That hasn’t happened in a while either. Then slowly, I went back to the videos of solo girls… then it escalated back to where I was when I first realized I had a problem back in May.
I still kept going back to porn even though I knew what it was doing to me.
[ May be some triggers from here on out]
Now… this is where it got bad. 4 days ago… I was with a girl that I’ve had a crush on for a while. She is beautiful… I mean, gorgeous. Great body too. Well… She was at my house and we were making out… I started getting a semi. It was about 30%, but not where it should have been. I usually get 100% when I make out with hot girls. Especially ones I like. She noticed the semi and reached down and grabbed my crotch. Mentally, I was on fire. I wanted to F her so bad. By my dick was dead. That 30% started going down to about 10% hard. She took off my pants and started giving me a HJ to get it hard… nothing was happening. Completely flaccid.
I started fingering her and eating her out… still flaccid. While I was eating her out and fingering her, I started wacking off with my other hand. Nothing. She told me that she’s never experienced that before. I told her that it wasn’t her.. I told her that she was extremely sexy and that it was probably the migraine medicine that I’m taking which is effecting my ability to have an erection. Idk if she bought it. I mean… It’s true. I am taking migraine medicine and it CAN effect your erection… but I was able to masturbate to porn with an erection while taking the meds. So I know what the problem is.
This was SOOOO fuckin embarrassing. I wanted to punch myself in the face and knock myself out when she left. I knew this would eventually happen and I never stopped myself.
I haven’t installed the filter on my cpu because it slows it down too much.. but I don’t need it. I’m so motivated right now that it’s unbelievable. Pissed off at myself too. I can’t even think about porn. I just keep running the embarrassing moment through my head over and over again.
Right now I’m on day 3.. tmrw morning will be the start of day 4.
November 30, 2012
Day 50 Update
As you guys can see in my counter, I MO’d last night. RIGHT after I hit 50 days. I’ll quickly tell you the story of how and why it happened.
On day 47, I started feeling an achy pain in my balls and pelvic area. It started becoming painful to take a piss. I went to the doctor on day 49 and told him my symptoms and also mentioned that I have not masturbated in 50 days. He said that he really thinks that may be the cause of my pain and to masturbate to see if it works. I told him I would, but my plan was to just go home and deal with the pain. The pain gradually worsened as the day went on and when I went for a run, I had to stop after a couple of minutes because of the bad pain in my balls. I said, “fuck it” and decided to MO to see if it would get rid of the pain.
I waited for 3 hours until I hit 50 days and I started. I was able to get 100% hard after 2 minutes of light stroking with no fantasy. I was masturbating to sensation alone. When I jizzed. Holy shit. That was the most pleasurable feeling orgasm I have had in YEARS. The feeling right before I orgasmd was intense too. It felt like I was edging, but I wasn’t. It felt so good that it actually kind of hurt.
On the plus side, I have no chaser effects. I haven’t had an urge to PMO since then. I actually felt very satisfied after I was done. Also, my dick has never been bigger. I looked down at it before I was about to blow my load and my dick looked full as hell. That was kind of shocking. Another plus side is that I noticed a lot of sensitivity come back. Let’s say that you’re sensitivity is at 100% before you ever started masturbating. Mine was down at about 50% before I started my reboot. I would say that last night, my sensitivity was at about 85-90%. It felt great.
On the downside, I think I set myself back. Some claim that MO during reboot doesn’t set you back at all, but I’ve seen far too many people MO during reboot and have the reboot go on for over 6 months. Maybe that’s because they were continuously Moing. Idk. But hopefully this doesn’t stall my progress too much. I did make my new goal 120 days though instead of 100. Also, the pain barely went away. I would say that on a scale of 1-10, the pain was at a 7 before I MO’d. Afterwards, it has been at a 4.
I really regret MO’ing. I know I would have made it 100 straight days. I’m really pissed that I may have set back my progress, even if it’s only a little bit.
THIS WORKS!!!! - December 15, 2012
Ok, so around day 55, 5 days after I first MO'd in my reboot, I had successful sex!
If you saw in my journal, 65 days ago I was DEAD down there when I was with a girl. I knew why because I already knew about YBOP and even attempted rebooting before that. I just never really knew I had a problem until that night.
Anyway, I thought I was in flat line the first 50 days of my reboot. I MO'd on day 50 because my doctor told me I should. You can read about that in my journal. I got 100% erect with just touch and no fantasy. I ejaculated after a couple of minutes and it felt great! 4 days later, I found myself with a girl. I wasn't expecting to have sex because of the reboot... but one thing led to another, and while we were making out, I had a RAGING hard on.
At that point, I still didn't want to have sex.. But then I thought, "ehhh... let's see if it works." To my surprise, it worked just fine. I stayed hard while putting on a condom and the whole time I was having sex. I came in like 2 minutes, which was expected... but I stayed hard and went for round two and lasted 6-8 minutes.
I haven't had sex since then, so I don't know if ejaculating has had an effect on my reboot... and I haven't tried masturbating either. so I don't know if I'm back in flat line or not. I guess I can try and then update.
But yeah... rebooting definitely works. I'm SHOCKED that it worked for me after only 55 days.. but then again, I went into flat line right off the bat and stayed there for several weeks.
LINK - CHICAGO'S JOURNAL