Age 22 - ED, transexual porn

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Day 3

I didn't know I was porn addict until I found this site. (My thoughts were like any other guy's: too much is never enough). I got in a relationship two months ago, great girl, sweet, hot, and anything I could wish for. Here the problem begins....

I think it was on the third or fourth time we got together, she "hinted" for sex... At that time I was on a lot of painkillers, and sex was the last thing on my mind, so... embarrassed as I was, I told her about it... A million thoughts rushed through my head: "Aahhh I blew it, sh's gonna tell her friends etc..." But to my surprise, she just said: "OK I understand," and we spent the night together just cuddling.

Now fast forward a week:

I stayed off the pain killers (it was hell for me) for a week, and said to myself, "Now it's time." But... straight to the sex... I couldn't get hard no matter how hard I tried... I got "a little" hard making out, but as soon as we got naked, boom... I had no desire for sex. So, I blamed it on that I was nervous...

After that I made one more attempt a week later, still the same. (No, she still didn' dump me.) Then I went to the doctor, and got prescribed Viagra and some other pills. So finally I thought, now I'm going to get it done! I took one pill, and started "going" for it. It worked, yes!! finally!! ... but.. I didn't "enjoy" it and didn't cum... so I started thinking about porn.. and it "worked" for me... (I'm gonna skip the rest of these stories... but anyone still reading can probably relate/understand what's going on now)

Present day:

I was surfing the web and stumbled upon a link that said: "Your brain on porn". "What`s this?" I thought, and started reading. 10 minutes later it all made sense, I had ALL of the "symptoms" and could get "rock" hard from watching porn, but no desire for real sex. It probably started about a year ago, I was having sex with a girl (ONS), but it didn`t get "rock" hard... and she asked about it, and I said I was just nervous or something, same story and different girls, but same result.....

But at the same time, my porn "habits" escalated through the roof, I could use hours a day building up my collection of more and more extreme movies.

So.. now I'm here... I'm currently on my day 3 of not watching porn... I deleted all of my movies... deleted my fad bookmarks of sites and so on... I`ve never had this much free hard drive space free.

My symptoms:

It feels very much like quitting to smoke. I'm not horny in any way... but sometimes, out of nowhere "images" flashes from porn movies on my mind, and it feels like my body is screaming : "do it!" I am very depressed, lost the desire for food..It's very hard to fall asleep, my eyes go out of focus sometimes. I wonder if my girlfriend is gonna be around when I'm back to normal. It is very painful.

But I made it this far.. and suffered this pain, I'm not going to let it go to waste! I know I have a very long road ahead.. but I've done it before with smoking...

I have yet to tell my girlfriend. we have only been together for two months, and it seems like a heavy burden to put on her. I know I'm going to run into problems down the line avoiding the sex. (The other day she complained that I didn't touch her.) Time will tell. It sounds very selfish of me, but it's a choice I have to make, to improve my life so this is not a recurring problem. (Sex is way better than going solo.) I'm still young (22). Other girls will come around. I know it's going to be painful if she dumps me, but it made me realise my problem. So hopefully I can walk away from this a better man.

This is sort of an "open letter" to myself, that I hope I can go back and read some weeks from now. (Sorry for the bad English)

Day 7

I had cooked up all sorts of various lies so I could avoid sex... but on day 5, after reading all of the replies several times. I confronted my girlfriend about it.

Man... I think it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I started telling her slowly about it. How something was "wrong" with me. My voice started cracking and I nearly started crying. I felt so disgusted with myself, but then I heard the most loving words ever spoken to me: "Don't worry. It will be all right. We will get through this together."

Damn I love this woman.

Day 8

My cravings have decreased severely. When I woke up today I started cuddling with my gf, and strangely enough someone else also woke up and said 'hello' and stayed firm for 2 minutes without getting any attention. (It was not "morning wood." That was earlier.)

It seemed very strange to me. I know I am far away from being cured, but when I was watching porn actively even if I looked away from the screen for 5 sec, the erection would go down.

Also when we're making out, I feel "something going on" But it feels more like trying to start a car that's empty on gas. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Day 22

It's around 3am where I am now, I've had stomach flu the last days (yes there is such a thing.) So had a lot of trouble sleeping lately, but I got some antibiotics from my doctor and am on the path of recovery. Wish that there were such a drug of recovery for addicts. Well maybe in the future...

I've done a lot of thinking lately regarding quitting porn and so... So here are my thoughts on my life with porn:

When I was around 11 my dad brought home an old desktop pc from work for me to keep. I never really cared about pcs (I had play station; what else could a young boy need? ) So I set that up in my room and found out I could load it with pc games and mp3s (Glorious WIN95 Days). Hmm pcs are pretty cool.

When I visited a friend of mine who was a year older than me, I told him about my new pc. "Ah cool for you," he said, "You want to see something cool on my pc?" One burnt CD later I got home and add it to my pc. Hmm... PC`s are Awesome!

So it started, then I started going to lan-parties and discovered other guys sharing movies. Finally, some new movies to my library! It went on like that till I was 14-15 and finally got broadband access. "Wow, there are a lot porn related sites on the net."

Now when I think about it, I never really cared much about girls my own age that time. They never looked "mature." I messed around with some but never felt the urge to pursue.

When I was 18, I had sex for the first time. I think I talked to the girl maybe for 5 mins. (Didnt even learn her name.) When she said she was "down all the way", I ran to the nearest 7-11 to pick up condoms like I had The Reaper chasing me. And finally got to do the deed. Afterwards my thoughts were, "Hmm...it didn't feel that much different from masturbation, and it required a hell of a lot more work! Meeh I will stick to porn, not bother with a girlfriend."

I had sex with different girls after that, but never with the same girl. But my porn library started expanding like crazy when I was 20. This leads me to present day.

Not only is quitting porn going to have healthy effect on my sex life, but also reduce my superficial "look" on women in general. I've always respected women, but only been interested in them if they looked a certain way.

I've also had a "fetish" collection, including transexual/shemale porn. I don't think the majority of those who watch it have homosexual issues, including me. I stumbled upon it accidently, and it seemed interesting because of the anal sex. However if there was a guy involved it was repulsive to me. But I'll admit to watching some shemale movies. After I started with my recovery, I did slip up and watched transexual porn.. but this time it was different, I was disgusted by it and ended up looking at a still picture of simply a naked woman doing nothing. So (in my case) I think transexual porn was a "learned" behavior, because I grew bored of "regular" movies. But if you keep watching it, it's natural that you will adapt to it.

Day 29

I just passed Day 29, but I also "slipped up" during the time. But in my mind I still don't think that it is back to Day 0.

8 Weeks (8 days without porn)

So... 8 weeks in recovery, with ups and downs (pun intended - probably been used a million times here before). I have been on and off porn, however I limited it to one day a week. I felt like I was a child on Christmas each time that day came up. But on to better thoughts.

A few days ago I suggested trying sex to my girlfriend, and we went ahead. It worked sure... but I needed constant stimulation to maintain the erection... and had to use my imagination to be able to come.

But later that evening, I started feeling really in the "mood" and we started having sex. I was hard all the time, and after 4 minutes, I came really hard, just from being aroused by my girlfriend. No PMO images in my head or anything. I actually had to hold myself from screaming...no joke!

So now I'm able to come from just "regular" sex and enjoy it... A lot! However there is still some ED present. So now I am cutting of PMO completely. I`ve decided on a gift that I'm gonna buy to myself if I can go 8 weeks completely free, so both regular sex and a new phone are my biggest motivation right now.

Edit: I always thought I had a "roaring" libido and needed sex 2-3 times a day because of the PMO habit. However I discovered that once a day is more than enough for me.

26 weeks

I'm completely ED free. Sex is now pure pleasure. (Except some "advanced" positions)

But I feel I do have a really low libido. Sure I can have sex 2 times a day. But my girlfriend takes the initiative to have sex 90% of the time. When she starts touching me, I feel my blood boil and want to have sex. But if we're simply hanging out etc... I don't really think about sex.

I still suffer somewhat from delayed ejaculation. Sometimes it goes after 4-5 min. Other times I have to "force it" by fantasizing about other women. (Real women that is).

And another thing.. I masturbated yesterday.... no porn, very little fantasy. I can't remember the last time I had done it (without porn). Damn... it was boring, and not even comparable to sex.

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by Phobos