Age 23 - ED, mild depression & anxiety, no focus, health issues

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NatureHi this is my first post on my new journey to reawaken the long lost confidence I once had in myself. To begin I will say I have been using porn since the age of 14, when I found my fathers stash. Man if I could just go back in time to stop myself I would.

I am 23 years old now and I can honestly say porn has destroyed every possible relationship I could have ever had with a woman. And because of my anxiety and damaged confidence I am still a virgin to this day. Ive come close many times to losing my v card but the fear of not being able to perform always stopped me from sealing the deal. Anyways this is not just about sex, I want my life back. I have dreams and I'm willing to fight for them.

I'm a Musician and I'm starting to see to real process in my work and porn will not be the reason I fail. I deserve so much more out of life than this. I believe I'm strong enough now to face this demon and win. I believe in myself. As of writing this I am six days into my sobriety. The goal is to make it until the rest of my life without using porn again, To continue making music and make it my career and to find a great girl to share everything with.

I won't fail. I've lost too much time as it is. I'll fix everything while I'm still young. no more of the same old thing. My new life starts now.

JOURNAL - lust4life's blog

BY - lust4life


 

Day 31 No PMO

Life without porn isn't easy, however it's isn't porn that makes it hard. Its the swings in mood and energy. Last week was probably my lowest week ever, I just felt so alone and depressed with some anxiety thrown in. But for the past day or two my mood seems to be shifting back to a more positive view on things. I noticed I'm starting to get female attention again too, which is good. I don't have a girl friend yet but if these moods keep improving and stay in a positive balance I don't see why I couldn't get one.


 

Day 44 - The Fog

Since Ive started this journey I have experienced many phases. at times things felt like pure joy, other times I would be wallowing in the darkness of depression. What has happened now is that those two worlds have collided. I am in the grey, a thick foggy unpleasant place. I think people call this flat-lining . Whatever it is I don't like it. I really miss that days when I felt sociable and powerful like I had this grand energy around me. At the moment I feel apart from everything. Its not the same disconnected feeling I had before, but at the same time its a lonely feeling all the same.


 

Day 52 in two hours. Sick of this reboot

I have had like two wet dreams in the past week. My erections are more frequent, but still not on the level I hoped they would be. I guess the will change in time. I have also been extremely tired for the past two days. I don't know what that's is about but it is pissing me off. I kinda have this girl I like and she likes me and I feel like this whole process is ruining everything. Nothing is constant with this process its nothing but constant highs and lows. I wanna get to a good place in my recovery where I can move forward with this girl, but at the moment I don't feel confident about being ready. And I don't want to keep her waiting. I feel stuck, Of course I won't relapse I don't desire to watch porn. I'm just really ready to move on but I feel like my brain isn't. :(


 

Day 62 - I need better friends

A little overview of my process so far. My erections are way better, however I seem to go in and out of flat-lines. This latest flat-line has been pretty light. Normally there is a depressing feeling associated with them. I have noticed since I have started this journey that my flat-line periods have less and less of a depressed feeling. Hopefully that means my brain is close to completely healing. My ability to learn things also seems to have grown. I feel more emotionally stable. I only thing is I still sleep a bit to much. There are days were I experience what feels like super energy, able to work on many things and get plenty done. However most days my energy is about half that. I also don't get very anxious around people anymore, but lately I find myself not wanting to be very talkative, especially with other males.

For maybe the past two weeks I have had one consistent voice in my head, telling me loudly "You need better friends!!! Why are you hanging around these losers for? what the hell are you doing?" That voice just keeps shouting at me and shouting at me to the point I no choice but to act on it. and considering how my so called friends seem to be shady as hell anyways. I think now is the perfect time to move on. Now I could go on to list the ways these people are corny, but I prefer to put it like this I am changing as a person, I work hard and study, I dream and save money I have plans for my future, I am getting my dental work done, I'm becoming a better person but the people around me are not, they are not doing what I'm doing, not only do they represent what it is I am trying to get away from but they are just energy drainers in general. I would like to know where to find good friends, but Instead I think I will let them find me, I think thats how the universe works sometimes. we find what we truly want when we stop looking for it.


 

Today is Day 90 no porn

Its amazing I got this far. it seems like only yesterday I started on all of this but I made it, it was most definitely not easy but I did it.

I guess Ill do a little now and then type of thing listing a few benefits I have experienced since quitting porn.

Before:

  • Bad Stomach aches on a daily basis
  • mood swings
  • ED
  • mild Anxiety
  • Mild Depression
  • Would sleep all day long and wake up feeling like crap
  • no focus
  • felt dead inside
  • felt ignored and invisible
  • lots of head aches

Now:

  • No Anxiety ever
  • No Depression
  • No Longer have ED (But still not 100% )
  • Extremely easy to focus and be motivated
  • I learn and understand things so much more easier now.
  • no mood swings
  • I am alive inside
  • haven't had a head ache in a while
  • stomach is much better
  • Still not a social butterfly but everywhere I go now people speak to me, especially women :D
  • sleep is a lot better and I can generally get away with less of it
  • deeper voice
  • more facial hair

The biggest change I can attest too is the my healthier mind state. I feel a lot less emotional and I am much more in control of myself. People around me aren't able to sway me with every little thing they do anymore. I take things a lot less personal and I feel much more happy with myself, I don't feel the need to make everyone happy or to try and solve their problems. People can either accept me or get the fuck out, and I have told a couple of "So called friends" to do just that. I'm no ones fool.

There has been a change in my views towards sex and women. This whole process has really made me realize how much I adore and admire women. I love them, respect them and I hate to see them be brutalized. However getting off of porn has made it so I will never go crazy over a woman again. I respect myself too much. I will admit to some women in my past I have been a "yes man". I would give them whatever they wanted, anything; just to show I cared. In hopes that they would love me back. but it never worked. I noticed that a long time ago about myself. I couldn't understand why I would always become a wimp when it came to women I wanted. I hadn't always been that way. But now thanks to ridding myself of porn I can honestly say that me is gone. I think women can pick up on that too because I swear they look at me so much different now. I jut wish my erections were 100% again then I would really be good.

anyways that's all I really have to report. 90 days is just the beginning, the rest of my life I have to maintain this, so cheer to that!