Age 37 - ED, anxiety
10 - 10 I have realised I am addicted to porn, and if I am honest, masturbation. Having experienced ED in my late teens early twenty's I had always thought it was down to excess alcohol and nerves.
From my teenage years porn has always been a part of my life. Whenever I failed with a girl or could not get it up porn was always there to reassure me everything was working as it should so it must have been the booze. Numerous failed relationships and amazing opportunities missed just added to the cycle of porn use.
Having discovered Your Brain on Porn I initially thought it was New Age Hippy Pseudo Science and how could this be true. Despite trying to stop watching porn several times in the past, I was not an addict I just liked doing it , who was I harming. Educators, Doctors and the media are full of “masturbation is fine”, a green light to spank it until you drop in my book. Denial is a powerful emotion and even now despite saying “ I am a porn addict “ I don't quite believe myself even though I know I am. “World Wide Web I AM A PORN ADDICT”. Survived drink, drugs and get snagged by the screen in the corner of the room crazy!
Having gone back to the site I realised all these guys were experiencing the exact same things that I had over the years . Ed with hot girls, withdrawal from friends and just generally feeling rubbish. Knowing that others are having a shit time is a massive comfort for some reason. So thirty seven days ago I decided I would cut out the porn and try rebooting. Giving up the porn has been the easy bit and I just don't look at it anymore. Everything that goes along with it however has been torture. Insomnia , blue balls , horn on a scale I have never experienced before and worst of all shrinkage. The longest I have gone without M is five days and I have failed eleven times since my first attempt (Just looked at the calendar and am shocked by that figure.)
During those five days I experienced something great. Confidence returned , the fog lifted and I was in a excellent optimistic mood. Interactions with people became easier , I got the best smile and eye contact with a stunning girl out of nowhere. I want to feel that again. This is day three.
Exercising helps massively with symptoms and I have noticed an increase in stamina and positive attitude. Think I will try meditation and see if it helps with the insomnia. Just working out without relaxation leads to over training and stress..
Getting faster broadband coincided with me getting my own place, so in hindsight it think it made things worse.( all the time in the world and nobody to disturb you) Fast internet with web sites where you can pick your poison and skip through to your peak interest parts the experience is far more intense. Knowing what I know now I think this lead to me overdosing and starting to hate porn and the way it makes you feel afterwards. I wonder if this why breaking from watching porn has so far been straight forward. I can see why users escalate to more extreme forms of porn to get the same high.
As I went to sleep last night thoughts of porn entered my head out of nowhere with no trigger. Had to work quite hard to get them out of my head. Quite unsettling after such a positive day, pride comes before a fall and all that.
Got really angry for the first time today, an aggressive sales guy would not take no for an answer. I would normally feel quite emotional afterwards and it would bug me until I went to bed. Today I did twenty press ups to vent and its forgotten, hardly seams worth writing about.
Couple of cold showers helped massively with blue balls.
It's been a day of self doubt. The euphoria of last week would appear to have gone, maybe I have just got used to walking around with my head up again. Have you noticed how many people walk about with their heads down?
After reading some posts I decided to get a grip and went out to a gallery and had an educational time.
Felt quite anxious, emotional and even a bit teary before I went out. Think I have entered the endurance phase of rebooting, the fast paced start is over and now it's time to settle into a steady rhythm.
Feel far more relaxed like my brain has not been working overdrive to deal with anxiety or self doubt, its been nice. No need to hang on to the days baggage.
Had comedy ( maybe you had to be there ) wood this morning. Boner to flacid then little tingle and back to boner four times within the space of 5 minutes. I don't ever recall that happening ever. Feels like my labido has gone missing the last couple of days or I have just become very picky. Not much is working for me unlike the previous week.
Had a surprise last night. My first wet dream in years. I will spare you all the details but I think I woke up a good bit lighter LOL. I cannot remember exactly what the strange dream I was having was about but it was nothing remotely sexual. Strange. Came as a bit of a relief ( no pun intended). Had an unusual feeling down below before going to bed.
After yesterday's post wet dream deflation, today I feel the mojo is coming back. Looking back on yesterday ,the fog of old was back. Today I am back to being alert, confident, more in tune and less anxious about life. I realised today you cannot fake those feelings despite trying to act in the way you would if feeling good. I have tried to attribute the change in mood to some other external factor other than the reboot but cannot come up with anything.
Been feeling grumpy all day. Should be happy as its day twenty but don't have the buzz. At one point today I thought I really fancy some PMO, for no other reason that I just wanted to. Luckily I was at work or I would have had a relapse.
Noticed I am more comfortable with silence's. I usually hate silences, find them awkward and rack my brain for anything to say to fill them. This often ends up with me talking rubbish. Today I just let others fill the vacuum.
Spent a few hours this afternoon with a girl who was really nice, not a date or anything. I can honestly say I was my total self for the first time in years. Confident and fun. She would make a brilliant cuddle buddy.
Nearly slipped up when I got complacent and started watching Youtube music video's. Old feelings started returning and the alarm bells rang before anything happened. Just goes to show you have to be so vigilante all the time. Honestly thought I was on top of it.
Had manic horn earlier and had to go for a walk to ease it. Had so much energy it was like being on a drug. A really cold shower followed. Maybe a little too cold as I got light headed from breathing so hard LOL.
Not achieved very much work wise over the last few days but feel like I have taken vast leaps personally.
To quote Winston Churchil:
“Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”
Another positive day today with even mood. Felt like lots of talking with everyone I came across.
Realise I have spent the last few days trying to justify to myself why I should experiment and see how things are going down there. The inner demon has been looking for any justification to go and play with an escort. Just to test things out you understand . Any flaw in the rational for the reboot would have been the excuse to make contact. Cravings have been quite strong so my brain has been telling me this would solve the craving issue but not be a relapse as its a test. Even if it was a relapse I could take say five days off total and be back on track.
I was looking intently through the reboot stories for the thirty day reboot test that worked out well and the person was cured. The green light to do whatever I wanted. You ignore all the facts and experience so far, maybe Y.B.O.P. and Reuniting.info is all wrong. Some figment of someone's imagination or mass hysteria where people all start to believe and justify what they are told.
You know in your mind that is all bullshit, but you choose to believe your own bullshit and ignore anything deeper. I just realised tonight this has been the biggest test so far , my inner self was trying to f**k me over.
I am now more rational and back in the real world of the reboot , not a fantasy. People have said to me and I have said to others sleep on things. I am going to take plenty of nights and see where I am at.
Two things have really helped get me back on track. Gary’s 1st post on this thread http://www.reuniting.info/node/9028 kind of sums things up. Bit of a slap to remind me of why I got into this reboot process.
I have also started reading CPA and a few paragraphs made me understand possibly why I have been the way I have been in the past , a eureka moment if you will. When ever I have had an orgasm with a girl, at that moment I completely loose interest and want to get the hell away and never see them again. The way I have behaved , the ED all adds to the negative feelings associated with sex.
So I will not be reinventing the reboot wheel and need to stick to the program.
In short , watch out people you supposed rational brain may be trying to rationalising a relapse. ITS A TRAP.
Guy serving in a shop asked me why I was so happy. The euphoria and super confidence I have experienced at times during the reboot is really quite addictive and when it does not happen I feel a bit disappointed. Its almost like my mood is governed by a set of scales finding the balance point.
Got out in the sunshine and had night out tonight where I did not feel awkward at any point. Barmaid in the pub is looking good again which is a positive sign. For once I am not going to analyse every minute of the day.
Mojo has been slightly off today post my wet dream last night. (Which incidentally was very intense, thought I had pulled my orgasm muscle). Have not felt quite as alpha as I have over the last few weeks. It has been good to get some respite from the urge to MO but its better to feel the energy. You think you feel calm but are actually more self conscious, weird. Interestingly I have been really hungry all day and have put away loads of food. Had a enjoyable nap after lunch.
I thought my mojo was still off today. Went out and realised my mojo was just fine just the insatiable urge to O has departed, that's no bad thing.
Mood is back to pre-wet dream level. Was cut off while driving tonight and could let it go instantly. Friday I got quite angry when a similar thing happened and my annoyance lasted for quite some time.
There have been some positive changes that I only just realised last night, not sure when they first happened.
1. I now sleep the full night, previously I would wake up several times to pee , drink or just wake up. I also fall asleep quite easily when I decided to.
2. I used to have to check the doors of my house were locked before sleeping, even when I knew they were locked. Sometime getting up and checking two or even three times. Don't recall when I stopped doing it but even last night when I thought about it I never even thought of getting out of bed.
I have not been having morning wood that I am aware of the last few days. I decided to try an experiment by playing with myself and see what happened. So proceeded with the lightest two fingers touch and no fantasy at all. Within a very short time I had a rather impressive ( even if I do say so myself) hard on . Stopping, which I have never done unless disturbed, was no problem. I had a flashback to my early teenage years when I first started masturbating as it was exactly the same, just pure touch. I don't know when the death grip and some form of porn became the norm but it was a very , very long time ago.
Had wet dream number three of the reboot last night, five days after my last one. A real surprise , no idea what the trigger was. Unlike last time today I feel fine and have not felt my mojo depart. Been out tonight and cannot detect any change in confidence or mood which is nice. Hope it stays that way tomorrow and I see no reason why it should change.
I had a good Saturday night with friends without alcohol when they were all drinking. I usually ( 99.8% of the time) feel awkward and end up drinking or leaving early. I had a really good night. Two people said there was something different about me and I was looking good. Cue guessing game of what I was up to . Was tempted to tell them but elected not to. That would have been a big mistake.
Was rudely awoken this morning by my boner which would not go away. I know diamond is near the top of the hardness scale but my boner was not far off it. Cannot remember the last time I experienced anything like it. Just the reboot or maybe the kegals are working who knows but I now know what a one hundred percent boner is. Will have to adjust my mental scale's.
Realise I am in uncharted territory having gone so many days without PMO , new experiences are to be expected. Had my first wet dream dream without ejaculating if that makes sense. I don't recall ever firing a true blank. Felt like an orgasm and the dream was an orgasm. Tip of the day: let things go. Why get stressed about things that are out of your control.
Been so busy with work I have not had time to think about the reboot until the end of the day . Its very strange getting used to this new feeling that I cannot put into words. Chilled , unflustered, calm , quiet , reserved don't really cut it.
11-26 (DAY 50)
Had a “random” hook up with a girl today and despite being very nervous all went well, though I did not have full sex . For the first time I felt like an active participant rather than a spectator. No after orgasm feeling of “get me the hell out of here” either time A whole host of fear of intimacy issues I thought I had have also evaporated. Mojo and confidence are good and I am kind of thinking what was all the fuss and worry was all about. Really encouraging and more reason to give up porn forever.
Today has been an excellent day, mood 8 out of 10. It was not until I was sitting in the dentist's chair this morning that I realised I was not nervous. That's different. Had a gym class today and realised one of the girls was flirting with me.
I happy to say I have stayed away from porn and not even been tempted to look at it bar once. Think that is four months. Did return to masturbation, but it's difficult to keep control and avoid the chaser effect . After masturbating it takes exactly 7 days for my mojo to recover. I am yet to feel that amazing feeling I had back at the very start of the reboot when confidence starts to return and you just feel brilliant. Maybe I am feeling it but have got used to it as I am not coming from such a low.
I am really disappointed my love life has not got any better and I am still lacking a cuddle buddy. There was a girl, but I got too picky and thought I could do better. Silly boy. Still have some fear of relationship issues but not sure if that comes under the reboot remit. Not sure what my strategy going forward is but I have a busy social calendar for the next two months so fingers crossed I meet a lucky lady LOL.
So I had to go and visit the STI clinic recently as I thought I had something after visiting an escort for the "test" . Won't be going back to an escort again after learning what you can catch even when using protection, really scary stuff. On a positive note even in that very stressful time I was worried about GETTING a boner at the clinic. I got the all clear b.t.w. No issues at all with being looked at in the clinic and discussing sex. Had I not discovered this site I think it would be very different.
Interestingly there was a TV programme on BBC 3 a UK TV channel that mentioned sex addictions and the effect of dopamine. It too mentioned a 90 day abstinence period so the information is getting out there.
In summary the reboot that was my every day, every minute obsession has slowly taken a back seat. The lessons learned have become the norm, and I avoid porn in any form at all costs. It has not been all plain sailing. When I was feeling low some weeks ago the thought of a porn binge did come into my head. Thankfully I never gave in.