It’s been a year since I did the dirty. Stopping was fiendish. Six years of daily dipping into the naughtybox, it was like being unplugged from the matrix – everything was shattered and I found myself raw, naked, shocked and covered in white sticky crap. It took months for my brain to recover. I felt like shit.
Regardless, I’m out of it. I’m posting this because I dipped back into the naughtybox briefly and I remembered how shit it is and I remembered this subreddit and I want to make sure these words reach an audience that crucially needs them. Understand what I have written here and you’ll be out. I promise. This is going to be long but if you’re serious about this then you have zilch to lose and everything to gain here. So please do read. I’ve done my best to sanitize all triggers here.
What’s the secret? And you know what? There’s a “secret” to this. Yes, there’s a secret way in which every success story on here is a success. But it’s so secret that even after I tell you straight to your face, it will still remain hidden from you. Until you one day learn how to see it. The annoying thing is that it takes work to uncover this deep secret, it takes grueling effort but once you uncover the secret, no further effort needs to be expended. Nada. Zero. Zilch.
So you’re going about your day and you’re browsing some random page. Click click, random pic catches a gnat’s fart of a glimpse of your eye. Eye tracks back to where you were reading, continue reading for a moment then flickers back for another fleeting instant. Back to where you were reading then flicker back again, this time a little longer. Oooh, what’s that? That looks good. Sudden yet slight increase in heart rate. Hey I shouldn’t. I won’t. Eye flickers back. Looks good! No, I’m not going to. Eye flickers back again. Eye lingers. Ooooh! Looks goooooooood! Eye lingers too long. Click click, and suddenly you’re watching 50 blind midgets do slightly disturbing things to Snow White’s pet duck.
Heard of the amygdala? Make friends with this dude. It’s either your friend or your enemy. Pick. One or the other. Let me give a really crude hierarchy. If the brain stem represents completely raw data and the neocortex (the higher brain) represents high order consciousness, then the amygdala represents that point where raw data meets impulse meets higher thought. What happened in this sequence depicted above, the classical “will I won’t I” that happens approximately 3s before each and every “SHIFT+CTRL+P” stored in the NSA’s keylogs?
Your eye scanned the page. Your brain scanned for a few things. Threats and mates. Then the rest – ya know, actually processing words and higher order cognition and all that unnecessary crap. Did you know that by the 2nd eye flicker you’d already passed the point of no return? Before you even registered the image consciously your brain already laid out the route, because the memory of the routine was instantly triggered by your sophisticated pattern matching algorithms and there you are and your dead grandparents are looking down on you from heaven and thinking “holy shit dude what the fuck have I spawned”.
Well to be more accurate, it’s when the eye lingers that you’re past the point of no return. But the 2nd glimpse is usually the one that triggers that one too fast for you to react. Like a frozen pond, first glimpse cracks the ice, 2nd glimpse is a hole and when the eye lingers, you’re under. At that point the integral of exposure to stimulus over time in terms of raw hormone release goes past the threshold. Each glimpse releases a burst of hormones, each and every glimpse. However tiny. And each burst of hormones? Opens the floodgates a bit more.
Now what if I told you, that ALL you have to do, ever, at all, is to disrupt this exact process as it’s happening and you’re clean? Nothing more. Nothing less for that matter.
Well, there are two “secrets”, but they’re the same damn thing when you get to the bottom of it.
One: DON’T PEEK. AT ALL. Doesn’t matter what it is. Zero peeking.
Two: A man goes to a guru and asks him, “Master, no matter how hard I try I cannot find any control over my lust”. The guru walks up to a tree and hugs the tree. He begins screaming and shouting and wailing “Help, I can’t unstick myself from this tree, help me, someone please, help!”. The man is appreciably puzzled by this behavior. “Guru, why are you screaming? You are the one holding the tree, you went up to it yourself, you are gripping the tree with your own effort and it is not holding you, so why are you screaming?”. Guru pulls out a mirror from his pocket and shows the man his own face.
It’s YOU. Not your brain. Not your body. You. Where’s it coming from? It’s You. Yes, You, you yourself. You are doing this 100% on purpose and you don’t even know it. You’ll find out once you break the pattern. But if you’re reading it now, I don’t expect you to understand. That’s why it’s secret. Directed by M. Night, etc.
Anyway, back to our little trigger sequence. First glimpse shuts off your higher consciousness a tiny bit with that burst of “sleep-relax-mate” hormone. Just enough to enable the second. Which is just enough to enable the third. But after that, enough of your higher order is shut down so the fourth, fifth and whatever glimpses last long enough to completely switch your brain into ape mode.
Notice that fantasizing thought or creative thought operates on a different mode to linear/rational thought. The most pronounced expression of this is when you go into dreaming at night. You will notice that at a distinct transition point you cease analytical/rational/linear thought and begin symbolic/visionary/parallel thought for a while before you fall fast asleep. This is when awake transitions into asleep and dreaming begins. And you might sometimes even notice something else, that Ol’ Woody is at full or half mast down there. Coincidence? My experience tells me: by no means.
Notice likewise that when entertaining fantasies of a procreative nature, you slip into that same 2nd mode of parallel or visionary thought? The more intense and stimulating the fantasy, the deeper into dream mode you go. There’s less and less IF-THEN logic and more and more of Ol’ Woody. Crucially so, the deeper you enter fantasy, the more your brain shuts off higher order processing. This, folks, is how the trigger sequence works. When your eye lingers, you’ve entered dream mode. Just slightly. Slightly enough. You allow yourself to fall slightly asleep where a little slip is excusable whereas if you were more awake, it would be caught and dealt with swiftly.
How to do it for dummies: Brahmacharya All you have to do is to turn off all sexual thought. I can see your faces already. Shock, horror. No, I can’t, no way, impossible, you want me to be a prude or something? Yes, I want you to be a prude. At first you might get blue balls. Whack it off. Soon it will fade. At first it will be impossible. Then impossible will turn into possible. Then possible will turn into 2nd nature. Then 2nd nature will turn into breathing in and out. Allow wet dreams to happen. Release all sexual thought. Every single thought, glimpse, attempt to hear something, feel something, touch something, all of it must go. That’s what I mean by no peeking. Not even in the deepest recesses of your heart, not at all. This is known as Brahmacharya. Look it up! I know you’re lazy so let me help you along with a few links – ONE TWO THREE.
Not everyone has to do this. But for a given time, you will have to do this. Give it a year or so if not longer. Why? Because you’re an addict. To break an addiction you need a metaphorical sledgehammer. Imagine I gave you a choice. You can pick one or the other to receive: $0 or $1? 0$ or 2$? $0 or $10? 0$ or 50$?
Obviously nobody picked $0. What idiot does that? So you understand that… now consider your reward system thinks exactly the same damn way: “I’ll take that $1, use it to get $2 so I can make $10 in order to earn $50. What, you want me to take 0$? Get the fuck outta here fool, whatcha take me fo? Whymy gawn take $0 when I can have a whole dolla?”. Give the crackhead a dolla, off he goes to score some crack and make mo dolla. Plain and simple.
But what happens when it’s $0 or $0? When there’s no option but $0? Simple. You get $0. And you’re happy! Remember, every single trigger, thought, impulse, whatever: you feed your inner crackhead a dollar. It’s going to prefer a dollar to no dollars but once it tastes 1 dollar it’s going to want 2. If it has nothing to go by, it will go by nothing. But as soon as it has something, it will spiral. It is inevitable. This, friends, is the core of the reason you expend effort into nofap and I don’t.
By the time your eyes are moving, you bet your ass that about 30 layers in the mind behind you already consciously made the decision. That far back, you were peeking. Way before even an eye movement – that single solitary synapse that fired purposefully one way when it could have gone the other, that’s where it began. Interrupt it there and you will have zero work and you will have to put in zero effort for nofap. The further down the line, the harder it gets, and the harder IT gets.
This is where meditation comes in, namely Vipassana aka insight meditation. It teaches you to go far behind in the layers of your mind until you can see all running processes. What’s happened is that you’ve created a root level process to trigger a user level process. So you kill the user level process again and again and again. The rootkit makers laugh all the way to the bank.
What is normal? I will add something further. Forgive me for saying this. Remember a little while ago I asked you to stop all sexual thought and you called me a prude in your head? I’m not a prude. The reality is you’re a fucking pervert. My normal is the true normal, the way things would be naturally if you maintained your innocence. Your normal is twisted so far beyond all recognition and semblance of normal that I look like a prude in comparison. Do you understand this? You believe all of those looks and thoughts and fantasies to be “normal” and “just another day”.
You were taught this by society and you lapped it up because your reward system told you it was a good idea. Now take a good look precisely where you are son. This complacency is the reason you are here. Your “normal” is fucking twisted beyond all comprehension. It is not “normal”. Understand this and you can finally sight the city of Zion. No, normal people do not rabidly fantasize to the degree that you are doing now. Yes, normal people do have sex and do fantasize. Just not like how you are doing it right now. That’s for damn sure. Don’t even give me the victim complex and tell me I’m trying to shame you. You did an amazing job at shaming yourself long before I ever got to you. Here’s a nice slap from reality. Take it.
The generation who washed your brain with this kind of logic did not have high speed internet when they grew up. That’s the difference between you and them. Keep that in mind. What might have been normal behavior back then, now leads to catastrophe.
Of course, I use “I” and “you” here purely for dramatic effect, please by all means understand that I write this post in the highest expression of love, but regardless. The point stands! Believe me when I say this: your current state of affairs is perverted far, far, far beyond what an average day necessarily demands. That same energy you turn towards lust, is energy you could use for anything, should you choose to do so.
I guess ‘normal’ isn’t the best word I could have used but I wanted to make a blunt point here. It should be ‘normal’. It does not please me to say that ‘normal’ today is the reality of a majority porn addicted populace. That ‘normal’ is fucked up. So that’s essentially why I used that word, to draw attention to the sheer gravity of the state of affairs on Earth this day. But anyhow, thank you so very much for reading and I hope sincerely that you gleam something from this that allows you to break the shackles entirely. It will not be easy. But it can be effortless.
Q: But there are so many pics on the internet, what am I supposed to do?
A: Deal with it.
Thank you so very much for all the kind responses! I’ve tried to address each contention or question here. But let’s add some more. There are two tools I used to do the heavy lifting: to really control the urges themselves.
1.) To control the eye flickers, what you need to do is SNAP TO ATTENTION and recenter your eye on a mundane object. Anything and everything that isn’t sexual. Look at the object and absorb it. Say it’s a blade of grass. Feel how green it is, how it waves in the wind. Your full attention, all of it. Look at the brick and feel the brickness of the brick. Hold attention for say 5 seconds, you must sustain for enough time for this to work properly. What this tells your brain is that X impulse was really strong but here’s Y which is even more significant because I said so. Your brain will learn after constantly doing this. In this you’re actively rewiring yourself not to peek. Do this each and every time you glance whether at a PC or outside.
2.) To interrupt the urges as they’re forming down there. Stand up. Exhale all air. Suck your abs in (ab vacuum). Now do a gentle kegel and simultaneously pull upwards from there as if your abs could pull upwards towards your chest. Done correctly, it will feel like there is a cord attached to your dick, connected to the belly button region and you pull it upwards. You will feel a rush of energy or blood or whatever in the region which feels very pleasant. This will switch off the actual arousal process. You have to do it quite hard, it will take a fair bit of energy.
It will take a while to find the right muscle but once you find it you will know which one because this muscle pulls right on the base of your dick, you will feel it in the bladder region. There are two parts. One set of muscles pulls on the region just above, near the bladder. A second set of muscles pulls on the lower region, closer to the pelvic floor. You want the 2nd set, not the first. There is a very distinct difference in feeling between the two; engaging the first/upper set does not dissipate tension and can hurt. You can feel which muscle it is by doing the celibate’s pose (brahmacharyasana). Once you feel it, you can’t go wrong. When you get aroused, you will notice that a kind of fluid accumulates in the lower abdomen and builds up in pressure, coinciding with sexual tension. When you engage this muscle, it dissipates this tension and sends it back upwards.
This is like a hard stop. Done correctly, a sequence of 5 of these will interrupt any process wanting to start.
Anyhow, thank you all so very much for responding, thank you especially for your kind comments and compliments and know that I write this all because I love all of you and I want to see you all get through this! Go forth, Neo!
ANSWER TO COMMENT
I’m not a prude. The reality is you’re a fucking pervert. My normal is the true normal, the way things would be naturally if you maintained your innocence.
Are you fucking retarded? Some of your post is reasonable and some of it is simply misguided (pseudoscience meditation bullshit), but that line sticks out to me the most. That’s straight up dumb, and you should feel bad about it.
You honestly believe that is how humans, no, living things in general, function? The only way to ‘maintain your innocence’ is to be mentally stunted and never go through puberty. You honestly believe that sexual thoughts are unnatural and “You were taught this by society”? Have you forgotten that reproduction is the most base of instincts that even the most simple creatures have? It’s on the same level of basic life functions as “must eat” “must drink.”
When I wrote that post I knew as I was writing it this sentence would come up, hence why I put the disclaimer a little below it. I understand saying “my normal is the TRUE normal” is entirely absurd but you need this slap in the face to wake up. Let it be, as a figure of expression, a literal phrase. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go out killing anyone in the name of my normal 😉
Puberty is fine. And that brings to light another nuance in the ‘normal’ v ‘something’s off here’. Intense sexual thought itself is not abnormal whatsoever. It is the nature of the thinking wherein arise the distortions. Please excuse my word choice; It’s natural to fantasize about things but where nature has been thrown out of the window along with the bathwater is that it isn’t natural to have this harem of thousands upon thousands of memories of women you have never ever met, scenarios that happened that you were not there for, and so on. And by natural I mean here that our poor brains simply aren’t adapted to this new kind of stress.
Or to put it another way. Normal is perhaps seeing that cute girl somewhere wherever then going home and beatin’ yer meat. How can ye have any pudding if ye don’t beat yer meat? Stand still laddie. Normal is NOT seeing that cute girl somewhere wherever then going home and watching 6 legged gnomes do funny things to a cactus in a Soyuz space capsule (hey I have really eclectic tastes). So if you take offense to the word ‘normal’, do a CTRL+F and replace it with ‘healthy’. Now do you see?
You might raise something about particular preferences for people but that’s not the point here. Keep in mind. All eyes on the fap addiction itself. Don’t deceive yourself.
I would hope you would have given me the benefit of the doubt here but such is the nature of the internet that all must be spelt out in pure unambiguous terms. Thank you for the feedback, you make me a better writer.