300 days pornfree and nofap, 65 days hardmode now. Yeah, it’s an accomplishment. Yeah, it feels good to have made it this far.
The down and dirty of it is this; I don’t believe I’m cured. I believe my willpower has been exercised well. I get these moments, well after the 90 day period, that I miss porn. I want to look it up but I don’t. That’s the real victory. However, even slight images will get the heart beating just a little faster. For example, I was looking at amazon for a particular pair of workout pants I have that I wanted more of. It also shows ladies pants and just the lower halves of the models wearing them. Just something that simple is enough to make me feel like I’m not cured. My reaction to immediately look away kicks in. I didn’t think that should happen when I started this. I was hoping the magic 90 day thing would be some sort of miracle cure so I set my sights on 120 days instead. That time has come and gone now and while I can say I’m far better off than I’ve ever been I’m still in quite a lot of danger relapse. The mind continues to play tricks on me from time to time, telling me when it’s ok to take a peak but I’ve learned to notice these things and avoid the temptations.
That’s really the reality of pornfree and nofap for me right now. Starting this journey makes it feel like it’s all candy bars and lollipops once you push through the 90 day barrier. It’s been a hard road. The terrain is much less rough now and my body is more suited to the trials but there are always hills to climb and valleys to leap over.
The good of it is that, besides having come this far, something I would have never thought was possible 365 days ago, I’ve learned to manage my depression better. I’ve become much more productive on a much more consistent basis. I’ve started reading, working out and being social, so much more social, than I’ve ever been. Whether it’s because I’m not wasting time looking for material to help me get off or because my willpower has stemmed into other parts of my life, I’m much better off now then I was with porn in my life.
For anyone starting out or wondering, debating, whether or not you can do this, you can. It’s work through, and that’s the bottom line. The benefits are there and they are well worth any amount of struggle you may go through. This has been my chance to better myself and I’ve finally taken the steps to make it happen. I don’t see why it isn’t the same for anyone out there, reading this right now, that wants to give up the addiction to have a chance at something better.
LINK – 300 days
UPDATE – 466 days in
That’s 1 year, 101 days for all of you math wizards out there.
The good: It’s been 466 days of pornfree and nofap, what’s not good about that? In the middle I had a hardmode streak of 210 days. Finally found a girlfriend that I’m crazy about, who I’ve had rather emotional and enjoyable sex with several times. Due to our kids and schedules, we only get to see each other 3 times in a two week period, but it’s made me appreciative of the relationship. Additionally, since we do not see each other everyday or every other day, we have sex just about every time we’re together. I’m happy to say that this hasn’t led me to want to fulfill my sexual gratification on the consecutive days we are apart by turning to porn or fapping.
Through my dating process, I had gone out on several dates with various women, some of which I neither enjoyed their body type nor their personalities. I’m a small guy (5’8, 145ish) but I seem to attract slightly larger women. I was getting concerned that I was being too shallow with my looks expectation and letting the physical part of it outweigh (no pun intended) the personalities. I felt maybe I wasn’t giving their personalities a chance. My girlfriend now is indeed bigger than I am (5’4, 16x) and to but frank, she is by far the sexiest woman I’ve ever been with. She has a stellar personality and for once I’m sitting here looking at someone for the whole package rather than just the looks. I’d attribute some of this to the desensitization of porn in my mind. My brain hasn’t been flooded with women sporting insane bodies and being taken advantage of. I’ve also been able to A) sort things in my head in terms of what sex means to me, B) discuss these things with my girlfriend, and C) be open to new experiences that she’s interested in in the bedroom. She knows, for example, that I’m absolutely against calling her anything derogatory whilst we engage. It’s become important to avoid certain actions in and out of the bedroom that I otherwise find degrading out of respect for how I feel about her.
The bad: even 15+ months in, I’m still weary of anything that can act as a trigger. I’ve actively stated I will not watch porn with her and I maintain the ‘just look away’ method when it comes to magazines at the store or advertisements on the internet. Just 2 nights ago I had a dream that I was looking at porn and was thinking to myself “fuck, i’ve got to reset”. I was relieved to wake up and find that it was just a dream though surprised that I still get those feelings. The battle never ends and that’s fine. I’m winning.
As I always like to say, for anyone out there who’s on day 1, week 1, year 1 or year 5, just keep it up. If you can’t convince yourself that you alone are worth the effort, find something that you can fight for. Your kids, a relationship or just general happiness.