When my soon-to-be wife and I started dating, I shared with her that I had a history with pornography and masturbation but it hadn’t been a problem for a while (a couple years). She understood that it was something most guys struggled with at some time or another and she helped me feel better about being open with her.
Sometime later, I had to return to college to begin the fall semester while she stayed at home, 8 hours away. The distance was hard and we didn’t see each other much but we made it work. Towards the end of the semester, I relapsed and it began to control my life again. My first response was to beat it back, I had done this before, why couldn’t I do it again? I won’t have to tell anyone. I’ll just make it go away. This was my biggest mistake.
After a few months of this and I was at my wits end. I was telling lie after lie to her to keep her from finding out. I was thinking at this point that I wanted to marry her, but I couldn’t propose with this shadow of porn over my head and it wasn’t going away.
One day we were talking on the phone and she asked me bluntly, “What’s wrong? You haven’t been yourself for months?”
I couldn’t do this anymore, so I told her.
This was when I knew with 100% certainty that I wanted to marry this woman. She didn’t lash out when I told her, she didn’t hang up on me, she didn’t even break up with me then and there (as I expected her to). She wept.
The way in which she reacted showed nothing but love and compassion. She told me that she was furious and how deeply it hurt her. It created some trust issues between us that have taken some time to work through and ultimately it brought us closer together as a couple then we ever have been. 3 months later, I popped the question and now we are getting married on August 16th.
I knew that I wanted to marry her because of how she chose to act. And because of that, I choose to not Fap. It has been 202 days since I last looked at pornography and I have made it this far only by the support I have received from her and from the /r/NoFap community. Thank you all for your support and willingness to be open with total strangers. It means a lot to me. You are all invited to the wedding!