82 days is a weird number to post about, but I hit a big milestone today. Quick background. I’m divorced and had married my first girlfriend (and first sexual partner). That lasted over a decade and I am ashamed to admit that PMO caused me to have almost no sex life.
The divorce wasn’t solely due to PMO but I can tell you that a relationship with no sex life is a bad relationship, period.
After the divorce settled I went through a lot of changes, including losing a LOT of weight, changing my job, car, attitude, everything. But I didn’t change PMO, even though a marriage counselor correctly told me I was addicted to porn (I just didn’t see the reason to quit — I had no GF and it was so comforting).
Fast forward a year after the divorce and I meet a beautiful caring girl and you can already guess the story — I couldn’t get it up. And just like during my marriage I started thinking hey, I’m just broken and this girl will have to live with the fact that I’m a great boyfriend EXCEPT for the sex.
She was very supportive and said we’d ‘work through’ my issues — and that made me really think about what my issue was. And since I had been given a preview of what the problem was nearly a year ago, I started reading about it, found this forum, YBOP, and other sites. And one day when I was on vacation and instead of going outside I was going to look at porn on my laptop and pleasure myself, it hit me — this was the problem. I needed to stop.
That day was 82 days ago and I am proud to say I’ve been perfect on no masturbation and no orgasm. I am not as proud to say that I do relapse on porn every few days it seems — usually just a few minutes of bikini/soft core but I know its still wrong. This is the battle I still fight.
However, at least for me, it seems that nofap is the core of the solution, because the problem I had was desensitization due to deathgrip – I felt nothing from PIV or BJ or anything other than my hand. By completely eliminating my hand I can slowly (very slowly, but surely) feel again.
About 45 days in I could definitely feel the PIED going away, but it still wasn’t perfect. I told my GF about my problem then, which is another thing up for debate here; at least in my situation it was very helpful to tell her so she understands the things she has to do to help me get better.
And to get to the light at the end of the tunnel — which is hopefully just the FIRST light — this morning I was able to keep it up during PIV so for the first time ever in my life (and I’m in my late 30s) I gave a girl an orgasm just from that. I also felt a lot more (obviously since I was able to get in and keep going) but I still have a ways to go before I’m fully rebooted.
So yes, this is somewhat of a brag post, but I enjoyed reading other people’s brag posts because their success gave me hope for my success. I still have a ways to go, but if I can summarize the points of my journey:
- Long time PMO addict that let a marriage rot from the inside due to it
- Finally confronted my addiction about three months ago and been 100% good on nofap (no edge or masturbation) but not so great on porn (greatly reduced, but not pornfree)
- Shared all details with new girlfriend. So I’m on ‘easy’ mode rewiring at the same time as rebooting.
- Much reduced PIED (replaced with some performance anxiety) about 45 days in
- Was able to complete PIV 82 days in
- Been over 90 days without my own orgasm, and I’m not going to explode – so its not necessary for all guys
tl;dr PMO addict who never been able to complete PIV was able to do after 82 days NOFAP. Reboot is definitely not complete but very much in progress and worth the sacrifices made
My four month nofap anniversary is a couple of days ago. It is exactly one month after I met my current girlfriend, who was the straw that broke the camels back on me finally breaking the PMO cycle. She was so sweet and understanding and I wanted her so bad but could not perform and for the first time in my life I said I want to be better, not just for her, but for myself. And then I read, read, read and decided to undertake the program.
– You can come back again (divorced due to porn)
So, I’ve had a big problem with porn all my life. My best friend introduced me to it back in high school and I was a geeky, nerdy kid so I remember spending hours trying to download GIFs from my 1200 baud modem and hiding it from my dad (side note: my parents approach to just tell me its bad without ever explaining why DOESN’T work. You also have to assume your kids are smarter than you — if they want to do something you don’t approve, they will do it).
My relationship with porn predated any real relationship I had with women. It didn’t really affect how I treated women, but it treated how I treated SEX. And the bottom line is I preferred sex with no judgement and on demand rather than the ups and downs of real sex.
So while I had no reservations about having ‘sex’ before marriage I remember how piss poor it was and how I almost immediately went back to porn. Didn’t have sex on the wedding night, and then for fourteen years I would dread my weekly sex night with my (now ex) wife, making up excuses to avoid it, and then instead wanting to go to the other room and find some porn to jack off to.
While this wasn’t the only problem in my relationship, in hindsight it was a huge portion of it — probably 90%. And its not even the lack of sex, it really was the lack of intimacy. And while at the time I was floored when my (now ex) wife asked for a divorce, right now I’ll think why the hell did she wait that long, why did I allow it?
So during the divorce proceedings I did see a marriage counselor who correctly diagnosed my issues with porn. But I still ignored it, especially since I was newly single for the first time in twenty years, and porn was the comfortable thing I’ve known my whole life.
And then I met a perfect girl, and we had sex. And it was so frustrating. It went poorly again. But this time, I wasn’t going to just assume ‘that’s the way it is’. I needed to figure out what was wrong, because I had assumed with my ex-wife that ‘sex wasn’t necessary if you have love’ or some bullshit like that. I now knew that a happy, fulfilling sex life was a requirement for a long term relationship.
That’s when I came across the nofap and pornfree forums and read some stories about people just like me. And it’s been a LONG road with relapses in between, but I have been trying to give up porn and fap for nearly a year. The current girlfriend knows about my problem and has been supportive.
Since I’ve been trying to give up both, I’ve had much better sex (not perfect by any means) and been able to orgasm with her (I never did with my ex-wife). And the long and short of it is that I am engaged again, with this time a healthy sex life without porn and fap as part of the plan.
tl;dr First relationship of nearly twenty years rotted from inside due to PMO addiction and led to divorce. Was able to turn it around and build a new relationship (** I’m ENGAGED **) after giving up PMO.
So for those who feel like you are at a low point, a lot of us have been there. You can turn it around, no matter where you are.