It’s my first decent report because I thought I would never be able to write one, as english isn’t my first language. I’ll do my best. (Finally it’s bigger than I thought. Sorry for the long “Context” part, but I never wrote it down and it feels good to let it out.)
I’m 18, and discovered fapping when I was 11. I soon realised everyone did it and it became a conversation subject with other kids my age who discovered it too. My interest towards women grew and I watched porn for the first time in my life. I still remember how awkward that stuff looked. I didn’t know any websites so I stumbled upon the really bad porn sites that fuck your computer up and everything. I later was given the “good” places by friends, but never really liked that that much until I was 16. Anyway I didn’t need porn to fap and did what a lot of you guys did: I looked at hot girls at school and stored them in my mind for later fapping. A girl I met at school liked me and I liked her, but I waited too long (fapping to her was way easier than making a move) and I eventually got rejected in the friendly way: “If it breaks I don’t want to lose you as a friend”. I had been too nice. From that point I lost the little confidence I had and the suicide of a friend made me totally closed to the world: from that point on I started fapping daily. It didn’t change for almost 4 years, and I made friends of guys as lost as I was (psychologically speaking: I never did drugs neither did they).
I knew I had to do something with myself and I couldn’t hate humans all my life. I moved to another school when I was 16, a school with a lot more people. People of a different kind: they were just NORMAL, social, funny and all. I thought being with such persons would be good for me and I was right. I have been integrated quickly and those new friends made me discover parties. That was fun.
Sadly, I didn’t get rid of fapping when arriving to that school. In fact things got worse: there were way more girls there, they were prettier, and I fapped to them every day, one or two times (I didn’t even think a real girl could be interested in me, I just thought they were here for me to fap to and we belonged to two distinct “sexual worlds”. Other than that I could talk to them easily. There was just a barrier in my mind that prevented me to go further or even consider them as anything other than walking pussies). Eventually I thought that wasn’t enough and turned to porn. I started saving pictures off of many sites you sure know, seeing non-porn gore stuff from time to time that got me desensitized from some really nasty shit. That freaked me out. But I couldn’t stop visiting those sites, everday: I wanted to save more porn, more, more, more. It continued until March 2013.
I found out that I had a crush on a girl I often had English and Biology classes with. She was (she is) so pure and beautiful. I told myself: “You’re never gonna fap to her nor to any other girl. What’s wrong with you, you want to spend your life alone with your right hand as your only partner ? No way, it’ll be hard but it’s what’s needed for you to change.”
It was on March 23rd 2013, 150 days ago.
So I started NoFap and discovered this subreddit the same week from YBOP. I learned that I could really change for the better, that others did it before me with great results. You guys kept me from relapsing everyday the first two weeks. I found here the motivation to keep going. I exercised a lot the first month, running, doing push ups… I felt happy and proud for the first time in my life. I was confident, more open to people, in a general good mood all the time, and I could keep eye-contact (awesome) with women. I had noting to be ashamed about, nothing to hide. I was just myself, the real me, the best version of myself still working on getting better. I never wanted to fap, I realized I was too happy to lose everything for seconds of “pleasure”.
Then comes the second month, and the third. Huge flat line, lost interest in a lot of things and lost some of my discipline. I started fantasizing from time to time which led to my first wet dreams. I stopped exercising regularly but never gave up NoFap as I knew it was my key for happiness, and that it would come back somehow. I focused on working for my exams. I worked a lot and was busy most of the time. Day 75, exams. Day 90, results: succeed with honors. I’m confident again, it’s time to get my discipline back.
Since then, I try to get my good habits back, but being on holidays doesn’t help the discipline. That’s why I work on it even harder. Those are the habits I’m talking about:
- Sleeping well: I read studies on how sleep works and learned that it’s composed of several cycles of approximately 1h30. I decided to plan my sleep considering the number of cycles and want to do and I now sleep 7h30 (5 cycles) a night at most. I feel more awake and alert after 6h or 7h30 than after 10h30 of sleep. That allows me to be productive right out of the bed. To be even more fresh and ready to work…
- Cold showers: I’m on an 81 days streak right now, taking the coldest showers I can, depending on where I am. It’s strange how it kills your morning wood yet makes you feel so manly. Your desire to get the fuck out of here is strong, but you resist, and walk out of the shower like you’re the king of the world. You’re clean, confident, proud, and you can start your day the best way.
- Less gaming: I quit playing on my PS3 (I then gave it) and almost quit World of Tanks, and I should delete it. Good thing is I now get bored after half an hour of it. Bad thing is that I recently discovered Pokémon on Android (emulated) and I can’t get enough of it. It’s another challenge to my self-discipline and know I’ll do it.
- Read more: It doesn’t have to be philosophical stuff or something very complicated, just read books on subjects you like. It can be self-improvement books, novels, anything. Reading improves your vocabulary and your writing skills. It’s an easy way to become more cultivated while relaxing.
- Exercise more: It’s hard to get that habit back. I don’t want to exercise to lose weight, but to gain some. I’m 6’2″ tall and I weigh only 135lbs. I’m not skinny, but I have a light one structure. I want to build muscles. I also run and plan on running the 10km of the marathon of my town in 2 months.
- Eat better: I’m starting to cook my food myself, so I can control what I eat. I have a rather light breakfast, a big lunch, and a smaller dinner. That way I don’t feel heavy going to bed.
- Go out more: It’s easier and easier. I was the type of guy who avoided being around other people. Now I WANT to go out and meet people, have fun. Not a habit, but a state of mind I now have, I’m not closed anymore. I can make eye contact easily and social interactions are natural. I also dress better and it helps the confidence.
Advices for new fapstronauts:
- Delete all your porn right now if you haven’t already. You might think: “Well, I can keep it, not that bad. I won’t look at it anymore anyway, so no need to delete it….” WROOOOONG. You won’t look at it anymore so you delete it right now, it’s as simple as that. You’ll first feel alone but soon you’ll feel the weight of the world fall off your shoulders. Nothing to hide anymore, you’re free.
- Try to build good habits like some of those I mentionned above. It’ll keep your mind off of fapping and eventually (when your brain will be rewired) the habit of fapping will disappear, just like it did for me.
Finally, I can proudly say that I’m done with PMO, and while a little desire to fap sometime shows up, the whole addiction is dead and my progress in real life makes me want to keep going. I’m two weeks away from my first year in university, and I can’t wait.
I can’t believe I’ve gone this far considering where I started. I don’t hate people anymore, I don’t objectify women anymore, I’m not sad and alone anymore. I am alive and it’s just the beginning. I have my whole life left to improve myself, and I take it one day at a time. Thanks NoFap and all the fapstronauts. Keep going strong, you can change for the better. You will.