I started masturbating at the age of 14. Some periods were…interesting. I could masturbate 4 times a day at the “interesting” periods which could last for a week. In any case, I masturbated at least once a day. Whenever I was abroad or not in the house, I did not masturbate. Those days were pain. I had erections all the time…
At the age of 18 I discovered free Internet porn sites, and for the last year and a half have been masturbating solely to Internet porn. I just wanted to have fun and did not realize it was a problem. Haha, odd days. I masturbated for 3 hours per day watching porn during summer, ejaculating several times (2-5 times). I decreased the porn-time when I at school, but still watched it like 30-60 min per day with a few porn-free days.
I think I went too hard on my brain and the little guy. Two months ago, I had failed intercourse with a girl. (It was the first time I tried having sex). I got my little guy up through manual stimulation, but it went limp shortly after I penetrated her. It was… a really bad experience. I was not the least bit aroused although I really wanted her). She understood me and told me it is okay…
Well, we broke up a month later and I wandered around thinking about my ED. I realized something was wrong when I was trying to masturbate on my own and my unit rarely got to full erection even then. I searched for two months on articles about ED and the solution of ED. I read about anxiety and such, but I had no anxiety the first time I tried having sex. I read about viagra, counselling, penis pumps, hypnosis, penis exercises, everything. I did actually not realize porn was the reason until… A few weeks later. I consider it funny that porn wrecked me. I always thought the real deal (sex) would be the ultimate turn-on. Alas, I was wrong. I really felt no excitement at all and I then realized something was wrong with me. Big time.
I then realized I had only been masturbating to porn the last 18 months. I read about the correlation between porn addiction and erectile dysfunction, found this site and some others which had some success stories. I was like “F*** YES!”
I have since then avoided porn and masturbation. I have not masturbated and not looked at porn for… 35 days now.
My withdrawal symptoms
Amazing. I was having strong depressions the first week and I was nearly unable to eat, I felt ill whenever I tried to eat, as if I was about to vomit. But I insisted on eating and forced the food in. Nobody gets happy by starving, right? I got through the initial depressions after 1 week. It felt as if my penis had no life. That it basically was dead. I was afraid as hell. But after two-three weeks, the morning erections started returning. They were not strong at all (Only like 20% strong) but they have improved and I would say they regularly are around 70% (Sometimes around 80-90% if I dreamed about the girl I had the failed intercourse with, I dreamt about her 3 times in one month).
Well, Life is better. I also innitally thought about porn scenes and such in the beginning of my recovery. It was a slight bit annoying, I even thought about it at class and at seminars. But they have slowly faded away and rarely occur these days. I initially felt nothing when I saw girls. I have started to notice them again recently. I have stopped being shy and I often wave at people I barely know nowadays instead of thinking, “Should I greet them or should I ignore them? We do not know each other so…”. Perhaps my brain is starting to find other sources of pleasure…
I have learned quite a bit on this site. Therefore, I am patient and expect results. I do not know I long it will be before I have fully recovered, but I will do my best to achieve results.
I noticed after a few weeks that I had a better ability to focus than before… I then started reading on this page and about dopamine. Seriously, no wonder I have been a slight bit slow and sluggish in the past few years. I am right now having a slight insomnia, I tend to wake up a few times at night. I had restless legs, but it has disappeared (or does not occur very often).
The changes seem to be reversible and I hope they are. I may forever be prone to porn and masturbation, but I will do my best to never relapse.
A few days ago, I got angry for the first time in 6 months. One of my friends got angry because I had been at the university doing a test (which took longer than I initially believed it would) and started using a bad tone. I got really angry and told him to f*** off and that he was an ignorant piece of s***. Perhaps my hormones are starting to return. I realized it afterward. Maybe I am recovering through this!
Initially, I did this in order to be able to have sex during Spring. But now I am doing this in order to become smarter, healthier and more virile than ever. I have decided to stop eating candy and such for a while and I will rarely play videogames. I occasionally meditate. I also made a resolution to not drink alcohol for 1 year and I intend to keep it. I will give away 1 liter of tequila today to one of my friends. Hopefully, I will start feeling like a teenager again. I am at the end of my teen years and I am entering adulthood. This is my rite of passage. Hopefully my final rite of passage.
by iamclean
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