During my journey of over 350 days of complete celibacy (no release) I´ve improved myself in so many ways I can´t explain. Met likely over hundreds of people and made many good friends. Started new hobbies and got rather fit also. I consider myself a new man, upgraded one,
20 years old. But. I realised few weeks ago that I´ve yet to tackle my biggest demon. Now when I think about it, almost all of my actions are motivated by getting validation by others, mostly from girls. I´ve noticed this habit in so many of my daily activities that I feel really scared and betrayed by myself.
I´ve always been showered with attention and compliments since childhood. My parents are very warm and good persons so they did the best they could for me. I always got praised for nothing. It doesn´t help that I happen to be very good looking guy so this stream of attention (in form of stares from women) is endless and has continued to this day.
This has conditioned me to believe that if I´m not getting noticed or paid attention to at any moment, I start to feel anxious and uncomfortable, like there is something wrong with me. I might think that someone might hate me at a social gathering if he/she doesn´t talk to me much. Everywhere I go in public, I notice that I scan the environment for pretty girls and see if they stare at me. When I sit at lunch, I tend to position myself so that I can catch girls looking at me. This makes me sick to my stomach.
The thing is that, when I´m not getting compliments, I start feeling that I´m inferior in some way. It is fucking ridiculous, I´m studying at my dream university, I´m skilled in multiple instruments and hobbies, I have good social skills and lots of friends, and I know that I´m good and honest friend and a person.This is not to brag and get compliments again, just to give some perspective. On paper it sounds good but I can still feel inferior to a junkie.
I´ve never had a girlfriend and I have limited experiences with girls. I´m happy with my life at the moment and don´t necessarily want a girlfriend or anything. Maybe it is that my unconscious thinks that since I´ve had no girls, I´m not good enough and therefore must strive to improve myself again. I don´t know, am I trying to prove something? If I were to get involved with a girl, I can´t surely say if it would be for status or attention or pats on the back from friends or would it be to get to know the person. Considering that it would be wise to stay away from relationships to prevent damaging other persons, but then again, is it the inexperience making me behave like this?
This attention seeking problem is so embedded in my daily life that I find it hard to change it at all. It sounds impossible for me to walk to grocery store and back with tunnel vision just minding my business and not trying to eyefuck every girl on my way. Although I know the change is possible, I managed to stop watching porn and masturbating altogether and never plan to go back because of the huge positive impact on my life. This issue though, stems from something else. This issue feels much more harder and complicated to beat than porn usage for me, because I can notice it in almost everything I do. I don´t know where to start. I would be really grateful for advice from guys who managed to change their behaviour in a healthy way.
Some of the reasons [I quit porn] were: social anxiety, feeling inadequate, feeling like a slave to my desires, saw every woman as fuckable objects, drained me of my drive and motivation and much more. I pretty much can´t stand the idea that I “need” to do something, that I can´t resist doing something when the urge arises so it was a complete cold turkey 180 degree change and there is no way I´m starting again. One of the best and hardest things I´ve done for myself.