I started with porn when I started to use the computer more, so probably around 14-15.
It all started 6-7 months ago (has it really been that long?) when I noticed something about me. In middle school I used to be very outgoing. I treated everyone the same and for this reason very I was wanted among girls in our school.
My friends told me I was charismatic and asked me what was my secret. Even in high school when I had problems from masturbation and porn, girls still gave me the look. But up until high school it was all about school, so I never let anybody get in the way of that. I never let anyone close.
Suddenly I noticed I was losing friends and only had a couple of close friends. Also having trouble connecting with new people, having anxiety to approach and interact with good looking girls. I was becoming girls’ “friend”, if you know what I mean. My grades started to drop and my concentration and memory got weaker. I felt tired most of the day even If I hadn’t done anything.
Then I started putting the puzzle together, seeing the big picture and staring at it mesmerized, with my jaw open. There it was, my whole life on an internet page explaining the symptoms of frequent masturbation to porn, and the side effects of extreme pornographic content. I was shocked, angry and disappointed – to put it mildly. How can something that feels so good have such bad side effects? Have they done their research properly? That’s what I asked myself. Man, looking back now, let’s just say I didn’t have a clue about what I was asking myself.
It had gotten to the point where I was doing it at least twice a day and it was always to pornographic content, whereas when I was younger it was all about using imagination. Then, the frequency was way less too, even though I have always had a high sex drive. I did it before going out because people said you don’t want to walk in all loaded and horny, that makes you needy and girls don’t like that. Well, at the time it made sense…
After noticing my problem, I started looking for answers. Researching Google with lines like: “refraining from masturbation, more testosterone when not masturbating, problems from masturbation, masturbation and porn” and so on. I studied all I could, from real studies to personal experiments. Many places doctors claimed that masturbation is healthy and it reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer.
On forums people were challenging others to refrain from masturbation for some time. People always made it a joke: “I would have 24/7 boners. I wouldn’t be able sleep. I would have wet dreams every night”… and I started seeing myself in those words. I’m really this bad? Making excuses to get myself off?
Well I started my own challenge” “A week, for a starter,” I thought to myself. The first days were hell’ I’m not gonna lie. It was straight from my worst nightmares. But suddenly I noticed changes in my mood and my self-confidence. I started talking more, telling more jokes and being comfortable in my own skin. Then it all ended, like waking up. Little did I know I had woken up few hours too early.
The road for my recovery was starting to emerge. Next time I made it two weeks, but every time my streak ended, the mental pain was way worse. Then I told myself: “31 days. That’s a full month. If you can go that long, it shows that you’re not addicted to porn and you’re master of your domain.”
The charismatic me was back, full of energy and horny as hell, not the “boner 24/7” horny, but the “I’m ready to rule the world” horny. I worked out harder, studied better, got my confidence back and lost every doubt I had in me.
Everything was fine up until my scheduled day. 31 days were up…so now what? Well I used porn again for the next couple of days. But now that see it, I needed those days to make my full recovery. After 4 days I started from 0. But it felt like I was starting from infinity.
This time the days didn’t matter. It was day 40 or so that I got up from my desk and felt unbelievable power, the amount of testosterone running threw my veins, the control I had now possessed my body.
Couple of days ago I watched porn after 10 weeks of nothing, not a single picture. I’ll quote from my other comment:
It was like meeting an old friend, but you notice that you have grown apart from each other and don’t enjoy each other’s company anymore…and therefore do not want to meet again. I saw what I saw after 10 weeks and wasn’t interested.
Where I Am Now:
87 days of no masturbation. Confidence on a whole new level. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like—I can look you in the eyes and listen to what you have to say. I feel more comfortable around a flock of girls rather than boys. I’m going to the gym constantly, putting on some size and strength. The best part is, I don’t feel the need to have someone in my life. I’m enjoying it as much as I can and it seems to drive the girls crazy.
I’m not gonna have a masturbation plan. I don’t feel like I need to masturbate, even when I’m horny or under stress. I don’t like the fallout, and I know my body can take care of itself (wet dreams). k Having to time ejaculations puts pressure on me, and that is one of the reasons I failed on my earlier 31-day plan.
Quoting again from my another response:”How to let go of you harem?”
Just take your computer, and look at the screen from one side. What do you see? A side of a screen. There is nothing there, nothing behind it. That is as close as you’ll get to those women on the screen. When you realize this, and I mean really understand what I mean, you will pop out of that harem-loving set of mind.”
Well, it’s almost been a third of a year for me: No masturbation, No orgasm. I wish I could say it has been smooth sailing, but it hasn’t. Like every addiction in life, it takes more time to fix things than break things.
Guys, it’s official, I’m 100% sure I’m not addicted to porn and masturbation anymore. How do I know? Well I’m horny but I don’t feel the need to masturbate and porn seems artificial and fake. I don’t block any porn sites or anything, because it would make me more curious to break that wall. It just feels like bad acting: if it were a movie, I wouldn’t spend hours and hours of my life watching it. That said, there is always a possibility we might give in under pressure and stress, we’re human after all. I could open another tab just now and go to a porn site and end my streak. Not a chance. I’m over that phase…
What made me think of writing again was, to me at least, a funny fact: that I couldn’t remember for the sake of my life what porn video I masturbated to for the last time. It just showed me how much I’ve grown from all of this. How much my brain had fixed it’s internal wiring.
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