I have been participating in nofap for a while now and I believe it is time to unleash my story to you all in the hope that you will continue to support me and perhaps shed some light on my past. I should say initially that I am now doing extremely well, have a girlfriend, lost weight, got better grades and have pretty much turned my life around.
I am 22 and have been watching porn ever since I was 14 when my friends first introduced it to me, they said it was normal to watch it and that I was weird if I didn’t. This almost immediately led to constant porn use. I remember how I would download pictures on to my phone to use at school.
I was excessively bullied at school and hated my life at this point, the only thing that kept me going was the love of my mom, she had split up with my father when I was three and had brought me up from then on-wards. I never had a good relationship with my father from since I can remember, he was an alcoholic and I later found out he would spend money on prostitutes and beer whilst my mom was at home looking after me as a baby.
I believe my lack of father-figure has had a lot to do with my addiction even though I had a step-father by the time I was 6. Although I was grateful to finally have a father, he wasn’t exactly a role-model and had little confidence in himself.
The bullying followed me throughout my school life and it was only when I was about to leave for college that it stopped. By this point I was using porn almost every day to numb the pain, it was soft-core and seemed normal at the time because of my age. However, suddenly I found camming sites, from here onwards I feel my addiction became something I completely lost control of.
I would sit in front of my webcam for hours searching for a girl to cam with and in the beginning I would successfully find plenty to play along with which only fed the urge (little did I know the damage it was doing to my brain). I now fear that there may have been a chance that I was recorded and the shame haunts me all the time, to think a young and naive me could have been recorded, unlikely but possible.
17 and stalking different web-cam sites in search for a partner. I found several cam sites that I would attend in a night sometimes staying up to as late as 5 in the morning. One site was partially a dating site, I would get contacted by lots of people asking to go on cam, I thought it was all normal because I was ‘finding myself’ or ‘exploring my sexuality’… my mind was just clouded by porn and dopamine. Then the worst happened, I was one day on a fapping spree and found a guy who claimed to give free NSA blowjobs I proceeded to message him with the thought in mind that I was ‘exploring my sexuality and should at least give it a go’. This was after going out with some really cute girls and having the best time with them ever, but being dumped just before this happened. I now know I am straight as I hated the experience and have only had girlfriends since but believe porn led me to this vision of a false sexual reality.
I look back wishing I would have never have gotten in that car, I was on a high and had no idea what I was doing, as I was driving to his place I remember how stupid I was being but urged for the ever-more forbidden hit of dopamine. I walked in and 10 minutes later walked out with the shame of what I had just done in order have an orgasm. There was nothing good about it and is probably the worst mistakes I have made in my life. Anything could have happened and it was extremely dangerous.
I later went to college where access to unlimited internet and alone-time forced me into seclusion. I didn’t go out at all as I did not go into halls, I was outside of the campus and spent most of my time watching porn, playing video games and generally being sad. By this time my mom had split up with my step-father and things got really bad, I became extremely depressed and my excessive use of porn made me completely numb. I used porn in order to keep myself happy, I remember even considering it a medication. I found some awful sites that I would visit regularly and pretty much exceeded my own understanding of sexuality.
I left the first year of college with the realisation of what I had become. I then started to pull myself together and get in shape, limiting myself to one fap per week etc. The next year of college came and I was getting better, things were looking up, I would go out more and socialise but would still fap once or twice a week, this time without the old porn use and had managed to re-gain my original sexuality.
However, one day the bomb hit and the one thing that turned me completely around was a weekend when I invited some old friends over. We had been on some nights out and got drunk and were having a great time. To cut a long story short I walked into the room one night drunk and as I got my laptop out I heard my friends whisper “he’s probably going to watch a little bit of tranny porn”.
My heart sank and I became obsessed with the fact that they had found out about my dark secret, all with the realisation of what I had really become in comparison to reality. The real world hit me and I found all of my old porn site accounts, deleted them, deleted my porn stash on my computer and disconnected myself completely from my old life with the realisation that if I carried on I would have to live with a false label all my life.
Looking back I am quite glad this happened, if it hadn’t then I would never have realised the full extent of my addiction. I don’t think they have told anyone as we talked it over partially before they left and I explained that the videos they found was some friends pulling a prank on me. Either way I haven’t seen any of my old school friends in a few years and probably never will. I don’t care if they tell people as at least now I am making myself better and have finally managed to pull myself together. Although I am shamed of my past and extremely embarrassed I would like to think that if it did come out they would understand or at least would not make a big thing of it.
Cut to now, things have completely changed, I enjoy life so much more, I have quite fapping and porn completely and can feel myself getting better. I have real emotions now and enjoy keeping myself happy on a daily basis as I put my past behind me and get on with the rest of my life. I am young and don’t want to waste my time worrying or thinking about what I have done but move on and believe in what I can do and where I am going. My mom and I are doing great too, she is really supportive of me (i haven’t told her about my addiction though) and keeps me going 🙂
I have a girlfriend now that I really enjoy spending time with and have the best relationship with, although it is early days I still think of her as a great companion. I doubt I will ever tell her or anyone else of everything I have been through in the past as I believe it is what nofap is for. I am completely focused on my future and want to make the best of it. I have also gained so much more confidence, lost a ton of weight and have great plans for the rest of the year which I am looking forward to.
I hope that in 5 years time I will have moved on completely and I can look back knowing that it was just a dark time in my life that I left behind a long time ago.
If you guys have any words to share please feel free, I would love hear them but please consider my feelings whilst you do so as this is a delicate matter for me.