As the tittle says I’ve done it, I have managed to stay clean for 90 days. However I need to point out that during these 90 days I have had sex with my gf quite often.
Now I’d like to share my thoughts with you. What has changed and what has improved? Aight then, here we go:
1. DEPRESSION AND MOOD CHANGES – well that was a big problem for me. Porn escalation has lead me to constant depression. I didn’t want to go out, nor talk to anyone (especially with males). Been taking antidepressants, visiting a shrink and a psychologists. Improvement was rather ephemeral, couldn’t really count on it.
That has changed, a lot. I can talk with everyone, of course some intrusive thoughts occur, but they are less frequent than they used to be. Mood swings are too less frequent as they have no reaso to appear (since I don’t analyse nor check everything all the time). I am generally “happier” with my life.
2. ED AND SEX DRIVE – still difficult to say honestly. My ED is cured, but on other hand I don’t have random erections which I wanted to reclaim. Generally, whenever I’m close to my gf, be it cuddling, kissing, or whatnot, even holidng hands – it makes me horny and I get an erection really fast. But still, it’s not the kind of erection I used to have before HOCD started. I mean, I used to get instant erections whenever I saw a hot girl, or simply imagined some hot chick in my mind. Now I need to be close to my gf in order to get an erection, I can’t induce it with thoughts (at least not as fast as before and I didn’t really try that much cause I didn’t want to “check” stuff). Nevertheless, it’s still something, right?
3. EMPTINESS AND EMOTIONAL NUMBNESS – actually my porn addiction helped me to recognize these two. For quite some time I’ve been totally deprived from certain feelings. It’s obvious that I couldn’t love anyone, nor that I knew the meaning of love. I know how it sounds, but trust me, there is a big difference. I remember times when I simply couldn’t be bothered to “care”. Like there was nothing that could possibly interest me for real. I remember when my grandma was really sick and my entire family was like “I hope she’ll be okay” or “I don’t know what I’ll do without her” when I was like “I… can’t… feel… anything” or “Why it doesn’t upset me at all?”. Now I can simply feel more clear. I know when I love and I know when I care. Also I care and love my gf and my family much stronger. Enough of this emotional bullshit, let’s go further
4. SELF-CONFIDENCE – I’m way more confident about myself than I used to be. “No more mr Nice guy” hah. Sadly this made me argue with some people and eventually end certain acquaintances.
5. CHECKING RITUALS – thats the hardest part. Even though I stopped watching various porn types to reassure myself, sometimes it is still really hard not to check things in your mind. I try as much as I can and I see some improvement. However I am aware that these 90 days aren’t enough for me to get completely cured. Heck, who knows if I ever will be completely cured. As for now, it ain’t bad.
Ask me questions if you want and I’ll try to answer them as soon as possible. Good luck guys!
December 19, 2013
Initial post (and journal) – It’s now or never.
February 02, 2013,
I’ve been reading this forum for quite some time, and I’d like to share my story with you guys. I am 22 years old and I’ve been battleing OCD since march 2012.
It all started when a girl that I wanted really much, dumped me. Well, to be exact, she ran out of my bed when we were about to have sex, (without a word of explanation). I got both depressed and obsessed about her. Kept messaging her, asked her to tell me what went wrong, what did I do wrong? Will she date me ever again and so on. She deceived me for months, finally telling me that it ain’t gonna work.
I started to watch porn and masturbate compulsively. Used to spend hours on all kinds of stuff that I found horny. But slowly, day after day, it became more and more boring. I switched to sex chats and video chats. It turned me on for quite long but I got bored of it after some time. I trully hated women back then, they were only sextoys for me, didn’t want to have any deeper feelings for them.
Then, suddenly one day, when I was online on omegle some gay dude started to say nasty things to me. It felt wrong yet kinda different, so I was like “the heck, let’s see how it goes, it’s only a random chat”. And yeah, it wasn’t only a random chat, at least not for me. I started to blame myself, kept thinking about it “why did I do that? Did I need it? Maybe she left me because somethings wrong with me”.
It lasted like that for more or less 3-4 months. Panic attacks, ED and so on. When once my mother saw me lying on my bed staring at the ceiling. She asked me whats wrong, and I started to panic. Felt like shit.
I started to visit a psychiatrist and a psychologist. It helped a bit. Therapy made me understand obvious things which HOCD complicated way too much. In the meantime I met my current girlfriend with whom I am in love.
I sometimes still have panic attacks, but it’s easier when you know someone loves you and cares about you. I want to start a new life. Yesterday was the last time when I PMO’d. Sorry for my lame english, I’m not a native speaker. Wish me luck.