And what I’ve been missing was simply, my soul. Years of PMO have stripped me of who I am. Leaving behind an empty shell running on autopilot thinking about nothing but the next “fix”. I was a ghost chasing shadows, wondering why everything felt so unreal, wondering what was wrong with the world and when is it going to end.
I’m forever grateful to this subreddit and everyone here for showing me the way and proving that it is indeed possible. I’m never going back again to that living hell.
UPDATE 1 – Goodbye NoFap.
I’ve always seen these threads around but I never thought I’d be posting one myself.
Before I found NoFap I was broken. I was so over masturbation and Porn. I managed to pull off a 6 months hard mode streak.
For the first 4 months, I was feeling better by the day. I was slowly getting out of the hole I’ve dug myself into.
After 4 months however, something changed. My mood started to get worse and my overall depression was coming back. By month 6, I felt almost as bad as the time I used to fap, if not worse.
At this point my brain figured, “If you feel as bad, might as well fap”. So I did. I know a lot of people will down vote this post because of this, but I felt a lot better the next day. Every time I tried to get back on NoFap, My mood gets increasingly worse until I fap. And since porn is not a factor in the experience. I don’t really feel any shame.
To each his own. I understand that not everyone feels this way, but I’m sharing this for anyone else feeling this way, this might be the answer.
I will forever be grateful for the things I learned here and the people who helped me. I want to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I’m now off to PornFree.
TL;DR After 6 months hard mode streak, fapping without porn stabilizes my mood and doesn’t leave me with any shame, I’m off to PornFree.
Back on my streak, I was on the top of the world. Nothing could touch me. Nothing.
And then it happened. One of those sleepless nights and I give in. Since then, I’ve been spiraling down like a crashing helicopter. I tried to get back on another streak, but I couldn’t. Pressure was very hard every step of the way. Even as I am typing this, I’m having doubts if I can do it again.
Even without binging or porn, I’ve started losing my confidence and will in everyday situations. I can no longer hold posture, or exercise properly. I realized I have to go back, there is no way around it.
To be honest, at this point I’m just sad, not depressed, but sad. If I fap, I slowly start losing who I am. And if I don’t, it is a slow torture and typical horny sleepless nights. 4 nights/week to be exact.
Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t.