Before saying anything at all, I need to say thank you. If it weren’t for this community I don’t know if I would have ever been able to slay this demon. When I was going through the rough part of my reboot it was all of you right here that kept me on track. But this isn’t the only reason I need to thank all of you.
The other I reason is because you all helped me find my purpose in life. At least my purpose as far as I understand it. I have wrestled my whole life with trying to answer the question of what the heck I was supposed to do with myself. I have been blessed in more ways that I can count. I have talents, privileges, and passions that I have tried to never take for granted. However, up until now, these blessings have filled me with fear and anxiety. It is as if I could never shake the feeling that I was stuck in the shadow of this massive karmic debt. I felt I had been given so much and unless I could do something positive with it all, then I would be a monumental waste.
This feeling caused me to become mildly obsessive about self-development. I felt as if I needed to constantly better myself so that when my purpose finally appeared that I would be able to handle it. However, this desire ran head first into my porn addiction. This crisis between my morals and my inability to overcome this problem (and my intense libido in general) caused a massive spiritual conflict within me. The ensuing journey for truth is something I can only refer to as “wild”.
I studied every bit of wisdom that I could get my hands on – Hinduism, Buddhism, occultism, Norse mythology, most of the major schools of philosophy, and many of the modern self-help systems & spiritual classics. Every single step brought me a little bit of what I understand to be “Truth”.
Despite all of this inner growth, I was still stuck in the cage created by PMO. What I know now is that I was stuck in the prison of the comfort zone. I stopped projects as soon as they got too uncomfortable. I was stuck in a fear based motivation paradigm. It was the fear of being useless & of not fulfilling my purpose that continued to move me forward. But you can only go so far with fear being the only thing pushing you.
After college I tried to put my degree to use and got a great software engineering job. I wasn’t going to change the world in that position, so I quit three months later to pursue my dream of becoming a life coach. I did a lot of things wrong, but fear was the biggest thing in my way. I couldn’t commit to a niche, and I couldn’t put in the hours each day I needed to in order to make it work. I could always get work in school done because I had the fear of deadlines pushing me along, but when I was making my own schedule, goals, and assignments, I just couldn’t seem to figure out how to make myself work hard.
I realize now that this was a direct result of my porn addiction and a life of playing videogames. I was the slave of immediate gratification and the idea of voluntarily pushing through discomfort for the sake of longterm gain (without some sort of fear driving me forward) was just a foreign and seemingly insurmountable obstacle. I felt I was an excellent coach (coaching came as naturally to me as drinking water), but running a business and actually getting clients fell outside of my comfort zone so I was blocked.
In addition, it is very difficult to become a coach without a specific niche or target audience. I just felt like I didn’t know who the heck I was supposed to serve. So in the midst of a failing attempt at a dream and the horror of returning to a passionless 9-5 job staring me in the face – something clicked inside of me. I don’t know how to describe it other than a “miraculous synthesis”. I returned to Catholicism, the religion of my birth, but with the truth of all the other religions and philosophies I studied burning brighter than ever. To use a cliche’ line, I found Jesus. Or rather, He found me.
From there I was blessed with the ability to see all of my failings with such striking clarity that I was humbled in such a profound way that it transformed me at my core. Instead of trying to become this all powerful individual through self-development, I just wanted to learn how to actually serve that voice of highest Good. It was then that I began my quest for 90 days. I began to learn how to transmute suffering. I learned how to face my demons and let them chew me up and spit me out. I learned how to find the Judas inside of me, and embrace him with love. Through surrendering to this Good, I found my purpose.
Maybe some of you are familiar with my Sacred Sexuality Project. I started doing a vlog on youtube. With the help of this community, I’m getting close to 40k views & almost 1k subscribers. I can’t express my gratitude to all of you for your support enough! On top of that, I’ve had people basically line up for coaching without ever even having to ask. I feel as if every single part of my life has led me to this point and prepared me to try and help within the context of this issue. I think this problem has screwed up enough stuff, and I want to do everything I possibly can to start making things better.
Oh, and I can focus and tear through work like a freaking monster now. The master habit is the driving force behind my work ethic now and that fear prison has effectively been crushed thanks to NoFap! I’ve got some cool things planned that I’m really excited to share with all of you 🙂
This post is already getting too long, so I just want to thank you all again from the bottom of my heart. There’s so much more to say, but I’ll save it for another time. To sum it up, I just want to serve you all in whatever capacity I am best able.
Stay Clean
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