It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on here. The last time I wrote anything on here was when I wrote saying I lied to myself and to my loved ones about any PMO substitutes. My brain was trying to deny that YouTube or any social media was a PMO but through various comments I read online I felt I knew the truth and had to come clean.
On march 22 ( I write down my goals) I restarted my counter: completely free of everything. Since then, I feel lighter, cleaner physically and mentally. And many changes have happened throughout these few days. Since March 22 a few days later I recently got laid off and I felt depressed but I felt it was for the better. I felt this was a sign from God that I could be a better man and leave all of the bad vibes and memories behind.
I was a month unemployed and spend that time focusing on myself and trying to understand what triggers me, what causes my thoughts etc … I found that a lot of different things that triggered me as a kid had more history behind it such examples would be : when I was in high school I was afraid of being home alone I would Do PMO, I was always bored and Doing PMO would pass the time so quickly and eventually it became a strong habit that I would became numb to it and felt it was normal to do it. I also did it a lot when I felt stressed or angry, sad any negative emotion. I would play video games take a break then PMO and go back to games and repeat every day.
As I get a better understanding; any negative emotion will generate a negative action. As a kid I would receive bad grades, phone calls from teachers, so to make myself feel better I would PMO for hours till my parents came home. So fast forward to my unemployment period this month, my mind tried to make me relapse so it made me remember all the times I failed in my life. It was telling me “you felt much better doing PMO it won’t hurt if you do it once.” Remember when you felt happier just binging on YouTube or P” “you have no job now you’re bored you can PMO”.
But I kept busy in any way I could find whether it was helping my dad or my mom or cleaning my room, lawn, reading, and when I was home alone I would leave my house so I wouldn’t have bad thoughts or past memories to make me sad and consider relapsing. I took as many precautions as I could. Even if I overthunk it it was better to cover my own ass than be tempted. I also focused on how I could be a better boyfriend and a better son (I finally admitted to my family that I had an addiction and since then have been nothing but helpful).
I always thought doing things alone was more helpful but seeing it from both ends it’s not. Getting help is a HUGE step to recovery and I don’t regret it and I WISH I had help years ago even before I knew I had a problem. Since then I feel I finally forgave myself and had peace with myself. I remember when I finally forgave myself. It felt like the end of Harry Potter when he and Voldemort are fighting and Voldemort finally lost.
After 11 years I don’t have urges to M anymore I don’t have urges to watch p and if I do or did, I finally know how to communicate with my loved ones and the bad thoughts will fade. Secrecy is a huge factor to PMO so always let go of your secrets and fears. Fear is an entity that appears through the darkest of times, it grows in the dark and when you are in the dark it consumes you. That’s why I believe many people are afraid of the dark.
Since then I told my girlfriend everything our relationship has been nothing but happiness: no anxiety though she still has questions if I do think of P or have urges but that’s normal from the PTSD of four years of lying to her constantly. Before I would have had thoughts and images of P but I realized it’s what I’ve seen and since I understand myself better and talk to my girlfriend and counselor about them.. Now the images are so faded they rarely come they don’t scare me anymore they don’t tempt me or phase me.
I know how to overcome my anger and my negativity towards myself and my loved ones. Things have been so much better and I got a new job and I’ve been abstaining from any substitutes and no more YouTube, no googling, no TV. I hit pure monk mode during my laid off time as well.
It has been over 40 days since I’ve seen any virtual stuff. But I realized I love my life better without technology so I’m not gonna check off any days anymore for that. I realized how desperate people are for technology and realized everyone has the tendency to have an addictive personality, and makes me feel much better knowing I’m not that guy anymore.
My work has improved dramatically since my last job and I have more focus I’m more attentive, better memory. Anything that any success stories have been written on NoFap as to how their life has been better without PMO I will say this ITS ALL TRUE!
It has been over 60 days since my last PMO substitute and has been over 120 days since any real PMO and now I can say I have lived a life of PMO and no PMO and I will say this with 1000% certainty, I will never go back to P at all my life has changed so much and I will never forget my accomplishments and obstacles to get here. All of you have helped me in any way possible through nofap, through your replies, to your posts, your comments all of that has given me guidance. So to my girlfriend who has stayed with me through all of my lies my addiction my anger sometimes my thoughts of dying
I thank you for everything you ever done and stayed by my side and has never doubted me in thinking I’m not capable of anything new. Thank you for believing in me to the bone and thank you so much for your support and sticking with me through the bad and worst of all times.
To my family who finally understands why I was always angry in high school, so secretive, isolated from my family gatherings.
Thank you for your guidance.
To members of Nofap. Thank you for your wisdom and the people who have replied to my comments my feedback, I hope all of you have found peace with yourself and keep going and never give up!
We all have the power to become someone better if we take the time to ourselves. Never lose focus on what you need in life to succeed. Never give up on yourself and remember there’s always someone out there who loves you no matter what and that’s God. The devil has taken over us through PMO his time is up now its god turn and you’ll see life in a brighter view.
Stay strong all of you and you can achieve great success. If you fall get back up stronger never stay down.
Good luck people!