So, this is kind of an odd story, and pretty personal, but I guess that’s what this board is all about so it seems appropriate. Its also pretty lengthy, but I solemnly swear that if you read through the whole thing, you’ll see just how powerful PMO can be and also how powerful NoFap can be, as well. Here goes nothing.
OK. From the day I was born, I’ve loved women. There was never any doubt in my mind that I wasn’t anything but the straightest of all straight guys on the planet (as much as anyone can be, anyways). And its not that I felt like it was wrong to not be straight or anything, it just never even popped into my mind that I might be gay or bi or trans or any of that.
I had actually discovered fapping when I was around 6 or so, maybe even a little younger, by unintentionally using a book to rub up against my little member and soon realizing that it felt amazing if I did it long enough. So I would do this on a regular basis but I didn’t really start fantasizing about girls until probably a couple of years later. And even then, it was more to like the underwear sections of Spiegel and JC Penny catalogues. Nothing too crazy.
Then, like most people here, I discovered the internet and I had access to all of crazy shit I’d ever want to see. When I started surfing, though, and began using my hand, I really only got into really normal porn and even liked looking at Solo Galleries and finding girls that looked like girls I knew in real life or someone I thought I could legitimately get with. I would still use my imagination a lot, too, and wouldn’t even look at porn every time I would fap. But I definitely would fap at least once a day.
So, time goes by, I get into high school and I began to get into weirder porn. The weirdest thing that I looked at was probably bestiality, and I think this came from the fact that I never got laid in high school and the idea of getting with an animal seemed like the only way I would ever experience what the inside of a vagina felt like. (I never acted on this fear, so fortunately, that’s not where this story is headed).
Another thing that I began doing was stimulating myself anally, and not really because I wanted to sleep with a guy, but because I thought I could like reverse engineer the feeling of something penetrating me into the feeling of what it must be like to penetrate a girl. And it was definitely an interesting experience and it felt quite nice, actually, so I began utilizing this experience in my fapping rotation but I didn’t really think too much into it.
Years later, I began growing out my hair and went to college and still couldn’t get laid. I also became much more withdrawn in college than I had been in High School, too. Even though I wasn’t a Don Juan in High School, I still had plenty of friends and not much social anxiety but in college, I felt very out of my element and it got harder for me to meet people. My masturbating habits had then evolved to looking at a lot of Transexual and Lady Boy porn and imagining more and more what it must feel like to have sex as a girl.
One day, it then dawned on me that it would be so much easier to finally get laid if I was a girl, and since I had long hair, I thought that I was almost halfway there anyways, so I began to wear make up and tank tops and pretend to be a girl when I would fap. The only problem was that I could get turned on by the idea of being penetrated, but guys, themselves, never became very sexual attractive to me. I would still see beautiful women at school and get turned on, but I never saw a good looking guy and had the same feelings. But I continued dressing up like a girl, and still never really felt that weird about it. I believe I never felt like I was gay during any of this because when I would fantasize about being penetrated, it was never as a guy, it would always be as a girl, so in a sense, it was still a fantasy of being in a hetero relationship.
When I finally graduated from college, however, I was at a graduation party, and wouldn’t you know it, I met a girl and the very next night, we went to my apartment, and I got laid for the first time. And it was ok. It wasn’t mind blowing and but I think I was just so nervous about it having taken so long that I didn’t want to mess things up. Thankfully it all went well and I began seeing and sleeping with this girl regularly for about a month.
During this time, I didn’t really masturbate very much, and I was satisfied just getting laid. I also didn’t really feel the urge to be a girl anymore, either. After a month, though, the girl moved away but still, the urges never really came back.
I ended up sleeping with a total of 5 girls over the next six months and I felt very at ease, sexually speaking.
After this time, though, I fell in to a deep depression for many reasons. One of the girls I slept with was one of my best friend’s long time crush so I lost a best friend, then I abandoned another best friend who I felt was weighing me down, and I was planning on moving to Los Angeles later that year but didn’t really have enough money and was super stressed out about that, too. I also hated the job I was working and had the Office Space syndrome where everyday was the worst day of my life.
I then, one night, had the thought that if I was a girl, I would be able to find a guy who would pay for everything in my life, and I wouldn’t have to work and I could have a life of freedom that I had always desired. I realize how misogynistic that sounds, but the idea brought me a lot of comfort. I then realized that life is very difficult for Transgendered people so I dropped that plan, and to make a long story short, I convinced myself that I needed to be gay in order to do this, and since I already liked the idea of being penetrated, it would be pretty close to the same thing and I could find a wealthy gay guy to pay my bills. Again, I realize how depraved this is, but I was mega depressed so I was super desperate for an answer.
I then began fapping to gay porn every night, but I could really only get off to the idea of being very feminine and getting dominated by someone stronger than me, but if I tried to think about the actual male presence in the fantasy, it did nothing for me, except remind me that I wasn’t actually attracted to guys. It was still easier for me to fap to straight porn and just pretend to be the girl. But, as you all know, through the continuous fapping, I eventually got those thoughts out of my mind and subconsciously convinced myself that I was just afraid to be attracted to a guy because society still thinks it is wrong and I had been ingrained with the idea that homosexual attraction should be repressed.
I then eventually moved out to LA and thought that this was finally my chance to try getting with a guy. It took me a while to meet people but I finally did and I met a guy who would be my first male experience.
I’d also like to add that I would still get attracted solely to girls I would see on the street, but if I ever tried to fap to them, I would get a terrible anxiety attack and think that I wouldn’t be able to orgasm as hard so I would switch back to thinking about getting penetrated and, during the orgasm, it was great, but afterwards, I would get additional anxiety because I still knew deep down inside that I wasn’t really attracted to guys. But again, I pawned this off to the idea that it was society giving me these demons, not my inner sexual desires.
So, back to the guy I met, I wasn’t really attracted to him but he liked me a lot and was also rich, so I gave it a go. Obviously, I chose to be on bottom. And, honestly, the sex wasn’t really the worst thing ever and was actually pretty cool, and I finally had someone who was attracted to me which gave me a sense of comfort. But anytime we weren’t having sex or if I wasn’t fapping, I still could not for the life of me get turned on by the idea of getting with a guy, but by this time, I had repressed recognizing my attraction for women so much that it was hard for me to get turned on by them anymore, either. I eventually began to think that I would never be sexually attracted to anyone ever again, which was literally the worst feeling in the world.
So, as time went on, a long with smoking copious amounts of pot (which I had always done since 16, and which also helped to form the deep trenches of my sexual anxieties), I found a cocaine source and began just doing drugs in order to get myself out of my sexual funk and thought that the coke horniness would allow me to see past my anxieties and I would be able to accept that I was gay. Unfortunately, this never happened and I just got even more depressed.
Eventually, though, I had a mentally unstable friend come and stay at my apartment for a while to help out with rent and he ended up having a nervous breakdown and went totally ape shit on our bathroom wall with a hammer and chisel before throwing my TV out of my 6th floor window, so I was obviously let out of my lease early and, being jobless and living off of the last little bit of my savings, I decided to pack up and move back home for a little while to reassess my entire life.
I’m from a really small town so when I got to my parents, I at once loved the silence and peace from the city, but I was also insanely bored. I kept smoking pot on the reg and I continued my battle with my sexual demons, via seeing which sex I was more attracted to when I would fap. And I would fap constantly throughout the day. So basically, the whole time I was in LA and the four months I was home, I was a fap machine working for the ultimate goal of finding out the sexuality I most craved. Obviously this was a terrible method of self discovery and only led to more depression and confusion.
Then, a knock from the spirits of heaven came down and I was invited to move in with my brother, who was having some health issues of his own, in order to help him out around his house and stuff. I knew I wouldn’t have access to weed, and I thought that getting out of my hometown would also help me to clear my head.
As I drove to his apartment (about ten hours from my parent’s house), I did a lot of thinking about what was going on in my life and I began to really weigh out the things that I wanted out of existence. I realized that I was just mortally afraid of having to fend for myself financially and having to work for the rest of my life in order to survive and as goofy and lazy as that sounds, this notion terrified the shit out of me. And on top of that, I finally allowed myself to realize that I had been attracted to girls the entire time but was just afraid that I wasn’t manly enough or responsible enough for a girl to ever want to be with me or think that I was worth relying on for anything. It was the first time I’d really been honest with myself and for a brief moment, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But the journey didn’t end there.
I eventually got to my brother’s place and decided I was going to continue thinking about these things to see where they would really take me.
Quitting weed was easy since A) I had no choice due to not having a supplier and B) it had begun making me super depressed and worthless anyways, and had been since I was in LA. I then stumbled upon NoFap and began seeing that what I had been doing, masturbating excessively to different types of porn, had been digging trenches into my brain and had convinced itself (myself) that what I felt while I was looking at porn was what I was really sexually attracted to in real life! I realized that all of my sexual and purely fapping urges were nothing but illusions and constructs I had been building up in my mind over the course of my entire life to that point.
I was shocked but it all began to make sense.
I then immediately began NoFap and have made it about a month and 4 days. The results have been incredible. I eat healthy now and have begun a regular routine of yoga and running and slowly but surely, my sexual preference has completely reverted to that of being turned on exclusively by women.
And again, there is nothing wrong with being gay or being attracted to the same sex, but after feeling such huge anxieties about it and not being fulfilled by even having a male partner, I have found such relief in being able to safely be attracted to women again. To finally feel like what I used to when I would think about the future romances that are still in store for me.
I love the beauty, the femininity, the movements, the kindness of women- all of it, just like I did before I was heinously addicted to fapping and it feels just as natural as it was before, too. I could not be happier or more relieved right now had it not been for NoFap and the powers of self-analyzation.
So, to kind of end all this, it hasn’t been an easy journey, but I feel like I’ve learned a lot about the nature of attraction and feeling repressed and looked down upon by society (as well as myself) and just about the nature of humanity in general. Above all, though, I’m most excited about the fact that I’ve rediscovered who I am and what I was actually meant to do on this planet and I really don’t think I would have been able to do it without the help of reading through this board and going through with NoFap on my own.
Now, I don’t even think about guys at all anymore or get stress pangs when I see a beautiful woman who I can now accept being extremely attracted to.
PMO is a dangerous thing and can really confuse people out there who are searching for an answer, just like I was. I thank you all for lending your tales of woe and encouragement and I wish only the best of luck to anyone out there who is struggling with these similar issues.
You have to be strong and want to find out more about yourself, but with courage and commitment, it’s more than possible.
I want everyone to be true to themselves, and I hope that my story can help someone out there just like all those other stories helped me.
Thanks everyone, and thanks for reading!
And good luck.