I am on day 101. I began watching porn out of loneliness in 2004 when I was 15. I felt lonely and socially awkward at the time. Being treated badly by “friends” at school and surrounded by beautiful girls who were beginning to have sex, my self-confidence began to plummet and I began to watch porn as a lazy way to escape reality.
I never had any moral qualms from what I was doing. It was just something that made me feel good. I would normally watch/ jack off to porn 2 or 3 times every day from this point.
Before I began watching porn I used to have vivid fantasies of getting with real girls. Within a year, these fantasies had disappeared along with the urge to want to put myself out there to get real girls.
The effects were gradual and slow but occurring. In 2004, I received the high achievers award in high school for the end of year 10 exams. By mid-2005, I was barely passing anything. My concentration declined, sociability declined and I felt neurotic. My friends had begun to treat me worse, and with low self-esteem, I felt the need to impress them and fit in.
I barely passed the final year of high school and with disappointed and confused parents, enrolled into a minor college course instead of university in 2007. I couldn’t become motivated because I couldn’t think clearly. It was around this time I believe I developed depression. Every morning I would wake up groggy and with little social life, would fix my urges by looking at porn. Constantly in a state of mild dizziness and confusion, I wanted real girls, but my life was in a mess and I didn’t know why I felt so sick and dazed all the time.
In 2008 I began to take control of my life although I didn’t know the cause. Pissed off at my academic failures, I began to make sure I studied everyday regardless of how sick I was. I realised that if I exercised heavily I would be able to reduce a lot of the symptoms. By the end of the year I had passed all of my allotted subjects and gained 20kgs in muscle.
But doubts remained. I still had days of extreme irritability and looking back on it now, as my fitness improved so did my porn use. After an injury relating to overtraining occurred, I had to stop the weights. My previous symptoms returned full force.
By the end of 2009, I had a chance to lose my virginity for the first time. I was 21 and she was a friend who couldn’t understand why I hadn’t lost it. It was at this time that I discovered I was impotent. Being devastated but chalking it up to a bad experience, I moved on. Later on I would discover that I wasn’t always impotent, but of the times I did have sex I had no feeling. My dick felt like your arm would if you had slept on it all night. It was easy for it to lose its strength completely.
Believing I had a major confidence problem and desperately sick of feeling more of a mouse that a man, I joined the army in 2009 and was sent to basic training. It began to go downhill after 6 days. I certainly wasn’t used to the environment I had put myself in but began developing symptoms no one else around me was. My hands began to shake, I developed flu like symptoms and began to tire far easier than normal. I developed insomnia and my brain slowed right down until I felt one level above being retarted. I began to do stupid, clumsy things followed by panic attacks. Above all else, my dick for the first time in years was super sensitive and very annoying. I couldn’t explain any of it and neither could the doctors there. (I didn’t tell them about my dick) Unfortunately, I was going through withdrawal symptoms and in possibly the worst place to receive them. My commanders thought I was a pussy and pushed me hard to bring the best out in me. It was impossible and I began to physically and emotionally break down. The doctors knew I wasn’t on any substances, diagnosed me with severe stress and sent me home a failure.
It was on the plane ride home I began to think of what had happened. I knew there was something wrong with me. Was it porn, masturbation, a lack of confidence and sociability? One of them? A bit of everything? Was I just naturally weak? I didn’t know.
Trying a different tactic, I entered a degree at a university in 2010. I began exercising again and completely eliminated porn. Not knowing what felt normal anymore, I believed that having continual cravings was the natural state for any man. To satisfy them, I only masturbated to fantasy or pictures, which was on a daily basis.
Throughout 2011, I was still fairly impotent but concentrated on studies. I ignored my problems, but made a vastly greater effort to being social. I even moved on campus at university. It didn’t make me feel better. In 2012, only masturbating once or twice a week ONLY on fantasy, I decided it was a confidence issue and joined a pick up artist community to meet and attract women. One way or the other I was going to find out if my confidence and impotence could be improved. It was at the end of 2012, I discovered 3 things at roughly the same time:
* “The great porn experiment” Gary Wilson(TEDx) on youtube – I stared into space and couldn’t speak for a while after viewing it.
* The physical issues could not be relieved through Viagra – The packet said 1 and I took 3. Nothing happened.
* The sadness, confusion, impotence, lack of sociability, motivation could have had, at its base, a porn addiction. I was sad as a kid because I was shy and unconfident. Impotence and low sociability from a porn addiction kept me there.
After many relapses, on the 20th November 2013, I began my most successful attempt to date. I believe I am now cured of most of the debilitating effects of porn addiction.
- Day 26 – edged twice
- Day 28 edged twice
- Day 66 – Wet Dream, first one in 9-10 years
- Day 72 – Wet Dream
- Day 86 Wet Dream
- Day 89 Wet Dream
- Day 89 Edged Twice
- Day 90 Had Successful sex with sensation
- Day 93 Masturbated to orgasm from sensation only
- Day 95 Wet Dream
If I had sex now it would be successful. There is still some brain fog but nothing like I had. The grogginess has gone and I feel like I have more energy and can stay awake longer. Women look much better. I feel more extraverted than I have in a long time.
I took the time to write this so that others who may identify themselves somewhat in my story may find an easier time discovering the true source of their anguish than I did. Had I never found yourbrainonporn.com, I would still be the same person I had been for far too long.