I don’t even know where to start with this. I am an addict, I didn’t even know it. I grew up all my life surrounded by drug addicts whom I loathed. I aspired to be the exact opposite of them. I never expected to be an addict myself. A sex addict, and a porn addict.
I was introduced to masturbation 14 years ago, I was 10 years old. I had access to any porn I want, my grandparents had a descrambler and I would stay up until 3 or 4 am just watching playboy. I literally would have scabs on my penis from masturbating so much. There was also internet porn which completely took over later.
From 10 to 23 I would masturbate probably 3 times a day on average. Late into the addiction sometimes as many as 10. I discovered no fap probably a year and a half ago. I had many streaks and many heart breaking relapses. One at 76 days, even on easy mode having consistent sex the addiction to porn was real. I am an addict. I was struggling with a part of myself I had no control over.
I was 23 and I found myself in a life I did not create. The need for sex, the lack of empathy, the inability to commit to any sort of routine all formed this life that just didn’t feel like me. I was lost.
For the past 307 days I’ve been on a hell of ride. My entire life has been uprooted and changed. I was in a long term relationship that was based purely out of sexual addiction. There was no love, I was unable to feel such a thing. I was a selfish machine who lived purely from orgasm to orgasm. Just as any addict life was for the feel of it. The routine of masturbation was rooted so deeply into me that even months after masturbation ended I would still come home, sit down at my computer and unbutton myself only to wonder what the hell I was doing.
As I started no fap, quickly all my fetishes that I would watch, I started to act out with my girlfriend. I quickly replaced porn addiction with sex addiction. My girlfriend at the time was pretty freaky and was into the stuff we were doing, it never got out of control or harmed the relationship however I felt like it took away from me. Something still wasn’t right. Looking back now, nothing was right about anything actually.
At about 14 days easy mode, the super powers kicked in. Suddenly I was able to speak infront of large groups with no restraint and a commanding demeanor. Who the hell was this guy everyone suddenly liked? What can he accomplish?
Then she happened. A young pretty blonde. I literally couldn’t keep myself from walking around campus getting to know her. Eventually urges took over and I ended up fooling around with her. Hereafter, it ended my relationship. I regret hurting my ex but it was a necessary realization for my future. I wasn’t happy, our relationship was forged out of sex. I was so deep in my addiction I was incapable of love.
The relationship went on for a few months after the incident. I needed the stable sex and she needed the company. After it ended hard mode began and real changes inside me started to happen. I have strong feelings of empathy I have no idea what to do with. I am madly infatuated with a woman to the point to where I can’t eat. I literally have such strong emotions I can’t deal with them. I’ve never had to. I used to just pour them out into my hand via ejaculate.
I am learning to deal with these new feelings and it’s great. I spend time with my family and I feel good about it. It’s all foreign to me. Everything is really raw. Every experience is something new. I have a new look on the world and it’s amazing. I can spend time with a woman now and instead of wanting to have sex, I have the desire to get to know her. I also now have the strength to walk away if something isn’t right opposed to sticking around hoping to have sex. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been castrated. I am a male and I think about the act constantly, just now it’s an act of passion and love, not lust and power.
This path has been hard. Really fucking hard. no-fap is HARD. It’s still hard, and it’s not the urges anymore, they have passed. It’s the blunt reality of the world I can now feel and have to deal with.
When you have been living and making choices as an addict for 14 years No-fap will uproot your life and throw you into an emotional thresher. My life has changed more than I can ever explain. It’s painful in a way, like a brisk cold on an autumn morning. It’s beautiful but it still stings like hell on your face. It’s all worth it to be human again.
TL;DR 14 year addict. Life changed more than I can imagine in a year. I can feel again, the feels are hard but worth it. No fap will uproot your life and change everything.