I first discovered nofap before I even knew I had porn-induced erectile dysfunction about 2 years ago. I could only make it a few days or weeks at a time at first and then I would binge for long periods between attempts.
I was depressed and socially anxious and I didn’t know why. Then, I met a girl, and despite being very attracted to her, I could not get hard. I chalked it up to whiskey dick and fatigue and eventually found my way back to old habits. Several months later, I had gone a few weeks without PMO and asked another girl on several dates. We got intimate and the same thing happened minus the fatiguealcohol. I thought that maybe my regular weed smoking was the reason so I quit that and assured her that I would be ready once the THC cleared my system in a few weeks…A few weeks passed and still no boner. I finally realized the damage that PMO had done to me psychologically and physically. She just didn’t turn me on nearly as much as pornography despite being beautiful.
After a little more than a month and several “failed” attempts, I was able to get hard enough for penetration and had brief disappointing sex with her. Still sex! 😉 For the most part, each time we had sex after that was better and better. Just the other day before she left for the holidays, we had sex for about half an hour. I feel very close to being healed.
I took the opportunity after that to talk about whether we would be exclusive to each other. She replied, “I guess so”. I pried. She said she doesn’t think she’ll have sex with anybody else but would be okay with me seeing other people. I think most guys would be elated but I felt crushed. Earlier that night she jokingly but not jokingly offered to have a 4-some with a couple I had just introduced her to. When I asked her about it later, she revealed that she was serious but knew it wouldn’t happen (because of me). I can’t help but feel that she just wants to hook up with another guy. She’s starting to reveal a low self-esteem and I’m realizing a relationship with this girl wouldn’t be healthy. So I left with the agreement that we’re just fuck-buddies. We lost our virginity to each other so it hurts me that she doesn’t care about me hooking up with other girls. Part of me doesn’t believe her. Part of me wants to find out.
Despite being hurt by her, I feel overwhelming gratitude for what has transpired. I overcame an addiction that was desensitizing me to life. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt emotions this strongly and I’ve never welcomed them like I do now. I don’t identify with them anymore or let myself become a victim. I feel like a man now. I tried nofap for 2 years and despite failure after failure after failure, I never gave up. I’m getting choked up writing this now. It was so fucking hard but I did it and it’s not over. Every day is a fight. Never give up.
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