I fapped from 13 to 25 almost 3-4 times at week, always with pornography, so mine is a long fap career.. I never had a real girlfriend, and yes I’m still virgin. At the age of 22 I was diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder. My anxiety was above any imagination, my heart started with palpitations.
And my hands always shaked when emotions came out. Talking to strangers always scared me and I basically spent all these years just watching me living, in catharsis.
I rejected lots of girls because of anxiety and when they lost interest in me, for some strange reason, I always felt better and a voice said to me: “You see? She doesn’t really love you. You are just one like others for her, you should be happy to have rejected her”. All this till about 3 months ago..
For the first time in my life I really loved a girl. She was so beautiful, always smiled at me and she tried for months to make me understand she likes me.. but I was that person I’ve always been for 12 years.. no one can change so fast, even if my feelings were genuine my behaviour was (unfortunately) the same. So affer 5 months she disappeared…
I bet she thought I’m not interested and just left. When I lost her I really understood, like a lightning, that I really miss her more than everything, She is that girl you find once in a lifetime. I cried for days.. I thought of all my life, my delusions, my fears, my failures at school.. I was convinced that the only way out was death cause I saw no light in the darkness.
But Thanks to TEDx and this site, i understood what my problem was.. i always felt so proud of myself cause I never used any drugs or alcohol and now I realize that I was just like those I always derided. So i developed a sort of anger against masturbation, I blame it as the source of all my problems..this is why it was so easy for me to stop fapping.
2 months now. Today I fell my heart like if it was “covered” by some sort of protection so I have no more palpitations, even when something scared me or I’m just excited. My hands sometimes still shake a lil bit when I cant control my emotions, I guess it needs time (and experience).
But the most impressive thing is that now i want “that” contact.. I express my emotions. I laugh hard. I can sit at the table and having conversation without being embarrassed. I can walk properly (yeah for same reason i could not even walk in the right way), my feet stand like rocks on the ground.
I can talk to strangers looking them in the eyes and being sarcastic or vulgar without feel shame for some weird reason. When I talk to girls i feel like i can easily kiss them or (if they ask) having sex. I think more with penis and less with Brain (and I like it) .
For the first time in my life i see a light. For the first time I really believe in something:” I will never fap again.”
Thank you my lost love. Sometimes to feel better I like to think you were just an angel came to help this poor human. I love you.