Before this streak of 77 days or whatever I’m on, I had been relapsing pretty badly, I even wrote in my journal about it. I’d completely fallen off the wagon and was in a general spiral of self destruction and malcontent. I know we’ve all been there so I will spare the details :p. I decided for the 5th time or so this year that enough was enough and this time it stuck
I left the job which I hated on the 11th April. I stopped smoking cigarettes, stopped smoking weed and stopped using prescription painkillers on the 21st April and have not gone back to the ciggies or the painkillers (I still enjoy the occasional spliff with friends, but I’m no longer smoking every damn night of my life). I’ve also not MO’d since that date, neither with nor without P, and the overall change in myself has been absolutely jaw dropping. I have also started going to counseling for the various mental health problems I spoke about in my journal, but that’s still in the early stages, so won’t really be taking much effect yet. Regardless, I’ve finally done it . As well as this I’ve been using mindfulness, though I’ve not been as strict as I could have been about that. Oh well.
So obviously for me this was about more than a PMO addiction, it was definitely a symptom of the problem rather than the problem itself, but as with all self destructive behaviours it had the ability to feed the monster within and fuel the externalities of it as well, resulting in the brain fog, negative thoughts in general, lack of connection to women, low libido and selfish sexual attraction – that focusing on the tits and arse of every girl on the street and treating women like fucking trading cards. Whenever I did ‘get lucky’ I would be rock hard during foreplay and lose my erection either as soon as it came to intercourse, or I would lose it very quickly after we had begun. Most of the time, however, I wouldn’t be even able to hold conversation with a girl and if I could I would definitely not be able to escalate that to anything and I was generally scared to flirt.
Enough of the negativity!
Quite soon after leaving my old job, I had a job offer through a friend of mine to work behind a bar, which was a little bit scary, but I did the interview and got offered the job that day so Ive been doing that since June 7th. It has forced me out of whatever shell I was in at the time and my confidence has absolutely soared. I have never been this successful with women, flirting has become my natural mode when it comes to talking to girls and every time I’ve gone out, I’ve come back with a handful of numbers. I’ve got girls numbers when they’ve had multiple other guys (over)flirting with them, I’ve pulled girls who have had several guys trying it with them that night and the other night on my way home from work, I bumped into a girl who I’d not seen for a few months, ended up having a few drinks at hers and the rest, as they say, is history.
Obviously, not having had an orgasm for 2.5 months made me quite sensitive so I was a bit quick off the draw. I think I lasted about 5 minutes until I orgasmed, but I didn’t lose my erection so I carried on for another 10 minutes until I came again but again I remained hard so kept on going until she pushed me out . Spent the next day in each others’ arms watching films and dozing – the one thing I’d wanted throughout all these years of porn addiction – and it was so easy and natural to get there.
And you know the other thing? Unlike whenever I had had sex before, I didn’t become overly emotionally attached to her and didn’t make an idiot out of myself. There was none of the selfish egotistical pride from before. It was just a nice thing which happened between 2 people and that made it a closer experience than I have ever had before.
She was pretty complimentary about my technique too, so I suppose all those years of PMOing had some benefit xD
Keep strong all, if I can do it you guys definitely can!
THE POST – Wow, what a change!
INITIAL POST – Day number 4, I’m writing this instead of relapsing!
Heya, just thought I’d write this down somewhere so that I can have it to go back to.
I’ve been looking at internet pornography since I started downloading jpegs on Morpheus and kazaa. That was around 2001 and I was around 12 years old (what is this?). I’d had a pretty crappy childhood, I was never raped or touched or anything but there was major dysfunction in my family and I’d had thoughts of running away as young as 9 years old, so I found something which got me out of my head for a bit and just kept using it over the years. I’m not going to go into details about it because you all know the patterns and cycles that 13 years of porn addiction manifests itself with. And you all know how some of it can make you feel about yourself.
Now here I am at 25, 13 damn years later and have been through every stage of depression you can think of; short of actually killing myself. I’ve decided that I’ve had enough of this version of me. I’ve been quite lucky really in this ‘attempt’ at getting rid of my PMO addiction in that I didn’t make a concerted effort to actually stop. I got lucky on my 25th birthday which of course ended in my boner flopping around uselessly and me blaming it on drink. Again. But it did gave me a spurt of confidence which I really really needed. Turning 25 having spent a large portion of 24 suicidal and your entire adolescence depressed due to family issues is a difficult thing to do and I needed something to give me a confidence boost or I could be spiraling in the other direction again. It’s amazing because I’ve finally made the doctors appointment that I’d been intending to make for years to talk about counseling and maybe anti depressants, I’ve started exercising again, I’ve stopped smoking weed and I’ve stopped having cravings for pornography.
As I said, I didn’t really make any concerted effort to stop masturbating this time so I’ve done it 3 times in the last 3 weeks as opposed to before where I would be tugging it at least once a night. I’m not going to class those 3 times as relapses but I’m working to understand what it is that made me do it. Each time, I was feeling confident and good about myself after a few days off, I’d have a session and start feeling lethargic the next day and have no confidence, and that different pattern has made me realize how bad this addiction is. The day after I use, I walk around showing similar symptoms to those of a heroin or crack addict the morning after and before they pick up their next fix.
There’s been another catalyst too, my company have just employed a new girl and we’re getting along really well. For once, there’s a girl who is actually making me feel positive about myself and who I actually want to impress and be cool in front of. I’m still not sure if asking her out on a date is a great idea, we’re a small company (typical, eh?). But now that someone has brought out my good side so far and hidden the depressed person who is addicted to looking at nasty, objectifying, dehumanizing images of exploitation, I don’t want to let that demon back out.
For the very first time in my life, I’m spontaneously feeling good about myself, I’m effortlessly taking several large steps towards self improvement and I’m actually laughing and smiling again. Wish me luck