So in only twice in my life I have had this feeling before. The first time, when I relapsed it was back in April was during my biggest reboot (40 days), since then I haven’t felt that way…until two days ago! I am feeling that passion for life again, for only the second time in my life REAL Libido. In this reboot attempt, it has only crept up on me in the last couple of days.
You know when you are fighting urges to PMO, its a empty but annoying horniness. But now, when I imagine this girl I am dating, or if I talk to the cute cashier and flirt with her, my dick feels strong and warm, I have this giddy urge in my stomach, chest. I feel powerful and happy. The natural ebb and flow of life of every moment feels normal.
Of course, the human condition is not a state of permanence of happiness…that is not what I’m advocating. What I am trying to convey is that the bad times don’t feel as bad, the good times feel great….and in every second of every day I feel more content with who I am, who everyone else is, what humanity is, and what life has to offer.
Even during the worst parts of this on-going reboot: I got sick, depressed and felt like shit…even then I felt capable of handling my problems, looking at the future and still enjoying my present moment (girls and friends still responded well, despite me feeling like shit over a few weeks)
- magnetism with women (insane, can’t explain why…)
- deeper more commanding voice
- more empathetic (legitimately care for people now)
- people literally walk up to shake hand at my church and engage conversations
- friends are more receptive to my needs and we are closer
- I take pride in my appearance (clothing, grooming, exercise) without feeling conceited…it’s a normal drive to do so
- only recently, a warm bigger penis…that rises to the occasion
I JUST FEEL GOOD GUYS!
This may be temporary, I may hit another flatline, I may or may not. But even when I’m not feeling this good, I’m feeling really good about existence. NO P, NO MO, only O from sex is the way to go. Recondition yourself to your prehistoric man. The natural state = the right state.
Actions born out of thinking are DISTRACTIONS. My advice: DO. We are all programmed animals, OWN your feelings and LIVE in the rush of life, fix what needs to fixed…nothing more.
I will not wish you guys good luck, only the inspiration to DO. The rest is up to you.
His journal – Grab life by the BALLS – 25, Severe PIED and Fetish
July 20, 2013
I’ve been a member here for a while, at times with high motivation to quit PMO and others with low addiction related motivation (I’m going to quit! – then relapse a few hours later). This has been my case for a year now. The story below will explain why only now I decided to start a journal.
My primary reasons for quitting PMO:
1) Fix my PIED, I cannot get hard with women when I PMO, flat out.
2) Fix my sexual wiring, I cannot “vibe” with women when I PMO, there is no energy or chemistry
3) Fix the spiritual, social and functional part of my psyche, I cannot focus or be productive when I PMO (grades and career suffer as a result) – I also feel anxious and depressed when I PMO.
A little about me *TRIGGER WARNING*
Like most of you guys here, I started my sexual exploration with porn at the age of 11 on high speed internet. Where I may be a little different though, was that as far back as my memory serves, I always had an innate bondage/kidnapping fetish. At the age of FIVE I used to masturbate to the niece from Inspector Gadget and April from Ninja turtles when they used to get tied up. I also even tied up my toys LOL. But it felt good, so what did I know? Throughout school I imagined kidnapping the hot girls in my class. Once I hit puberty, my fetish was so strong after finding all the nasty shit on the internet. I really never wired to real women in any sexual way. I never even escalated from vanilla porn, seeing a naked woman did nothing for me – they had to be tied up. Today I have escalated to CARTOON BDSM – where there are not limits on what can be drawn: rape, torture, kidnapping, piercing, choking etc. I even started having dreams where I imagine girls ball gagged. Just seeing a ball gag gets me hard (even in cartoon form) but seeing a real woman naked does not…THE FUCK!
Ironically, it was around this exact time (Grade 7) I developed a STRONG sense of apathy and depression. I used to be respected kid by my peers and friends, in the top of my class in terms of work ethic and intelligence and so forth. In middle-school I became the exact opposite of what I was, and would look forward to the evenings where I was home alone and look forward to my PMO sessions. I developed anxiety in high school and university, to the point where I started failing, and got through by the skin of my nuts. I now have 1 course left and may end up failing it due to the last couple of weeks of PMO and where I am at mentally.
Luckily though, I have a good full time job at a law firm (as an intern, due to connections) and am otherwise content with my day-to-day, but I am still a dreamer and feel so much fire burning deep within me to accomplish so much more with money, women, friends, socially… hell LIFE and so forth. During my best no PMO streak, about 40 days, I was a totally different person, pulling in chicks right left and center, for the first time in a long time I was the alpha male of many groups (friends, group projects, etc.) and it reminded me of how I felt as a kid. Forget that superficial stuff, I felt DRIVEN to make money, and believe or not I had LESS of an ego, and genuinely liked talking to people, felt like helping out more, volunteering and more! Even my PIED had massive improvements as this girl I really liked in one of my groups also dug me and gave obvious signals (we were flirting so hard in the lab) and I got hard just talking to her. Yet I relapsed when life was just starting to get good…why? This is the definition of addiction, when things are good we still turn to the bad, for some deep seeded reason or behavioral conditioning in my case.
Anyway, my life could be described as wasted potential or wasted opportunity, I see people younger than me and way less “intelligent”, “creative” and hell even “good looking” (not bragging here) – and you know what, I envy them. They have accomplished so much, unselfish work (humanitarian, research). Honestly I respect them for being where they are, but why not me? Is something really fundamentally wrong? Well, after what I experienced on no PMO, I believe my problem is porn addiction. Period. Now at the age of 25 I don’t want to be like this anymore, I want to be the best ME – and it’s no good looking back otherwise I may have not come to this realization. I had other host of issues with health, which were due to diet and stress which probably didn’t help my depression and anxiety, but I have fixed all those to a point where my life improved dramatically.
Still though, something was still missing, or rather still present…FUCK PORN.
Just this last week, I called in sick to work and skipped my classes for 3 days and ended up PMO’ing and gaming after a relapse. I felt so pathetic. Probably one of my lowest moments. But then things got worse: My dad called from the emergency in the hospital, and out of the blue I hear he may have cancer and is in a bad condition. Here I am jizzing into a tissue, looking at pixellated CARTOONS being raped like some self-gratifying troll and my dad is out suffering with a life threatening condition. A whole burden of responsibility just shat its way on me and my own father I was not there for. I felt like crying.
I was invigorated to change, but this time for real.
So here I am, 1 day clean and I don’t just want to, but I NEED to go forever, and it’s not just for myself – but for the people in my life, past, present and future. I look forward to your guys support – because I will need it.
I will post as often as I can with “DAY ##” updates, things to do with what I did and how I am feeling.
Thanks for reading, all the best.