I am 25 years. Been PMOing since 11. Got first gf at age 18 and second at age 21. Broke up with last gf in january. I never really felt depressed in my life, but regarding getting a partner or seeing my future I always had many doubts. I always felt I was single by choice; girls choice. Which, as many of you might know, is a shitty feeling.
It makes you want something so bad that when the very first oppertunity arises to get what youve been wanting for so long, you cant think straight and accept everything you can get. Hence my 2 gfs both had issues, and therefore brought me down as well. My last gf litteraly left me standing empty handed after four years. I was heartbroken even though I also knew the relationship was going nowhere.
I was shure about one thing: I was never gonna feel like that again. First off course I blamed everybody else, but later I found out it was all on me.
I felt really great in my life when I was about 18 years old. Everything was going well. Since then I allways felt like carrying a burden around. I tried everything to get rid of the lack of energy; eating more, dieting, working out, taking rest, more friends, less friends I had tried it all but nothing changed. Until I found the last difference between my life and the feeling I had then; PMO. I didnt PMO for a year when I was 18. Maybe that made me feel good about myself?
And this is why I started this streak. Let’s see if altering the last variable finally makes me feel good again! I got to this sub and saw superpowers; fog going away and people feeling great.. I wanted to see if this was true.
HOW I DID IT AND WHAT I WENT TROUGH: First things first, if I was gonna make it I needed as few distraction as possible. I was still going theough the breakup and had previously quickfixed tthose emotions with porn. Also if my ex would be at the door.. Well you know what’d happened. Knowing this of myself I got rid of all the dirty stuff that I still had of her. All pics vids and conversations, I deleted every copy of it. It would be a major magnet pulling me back into my old habbits. I also deleted all porn sub reddits and decided: no more porn. I read often enough that edging is a problem, so I decided to put every temptation as far away as possible.
One more important thing: I told my friends what I was doing and why. Their compliments would help me on the way. And maybe their actions could prevent somthing bad happening.
Now I was ready to start the journey and see where it would take me. The first week was pretty hard. I used to M every 2-3. Days so halfway through the week I got thoughts like; “Let’s start in 2-3 days.. It doesn’t matter you can always start again”. Around day 7 the urge was real. It took discipline (because that is what it comes down to when you get that feeling) to stand up and do something else. Week 2 and 3 where the hardest weeks of the whole challenge. My body was begging for some relief. My brain was showing the best bits of my ex and all forms of porn in my memories. The combination of those two made it almost impossible not to give in. I edged 3 times in those 2 weeks. But I kept telling myself: “Don’t you ruin this! Keep the streek up!”.
Man did I regret deleting all porn of my ex back then.. But I’m sure by now, if I’d have kept it I would’ve relapsed. I alsorealised edging wouldn’t get me to the 90 days. So I decided to quit doing that again. It was logical (not simple) “If you want to make it, you have to stop doing that”. Week four still had urges, but not nearly as intense as in week 2 and 3. Man that shit was intense. Now something else started happening; my body wasn’t going to get stress relief the way it was used to so my behaviour started to change. I didn’t know what caused it at first. Wherever I went I was no fun. Family, friends my nephew who I love.. I didn’t care at all. All I thought was that I had fucked up and that I needed a partner to make everything in my future right again.
I was starting to deal with the problems I caused myself!
It took me 4 weeks to get trough this phase. Urges where not really there.. The challenge was not really hard but I kept thinking; “If I quit it might make me happy again. If this is life It sucks”. That’s what made it hard. But I was really dealing with things there: the breakup, my other gf, my life in my desperate phase (11-18 years. Not one single kiss) but also my social character towards others.
Anyways I started to see how it all connected to eachother. How my feeling of desperation and an urge for approval is coming through every aspect of my life and most importantly: how porn and masturbation is just a quick fix to feel those emotions I need to get from others. How I am getting the appreciation and attantion, that girls have interest in me, but I dont see it because all my functions are numbed down. This realisation came over time. But it’s here now.
The last two weeks of the challenge where easier: I started to crawl out of the terroble feeling. And the last three weeks I can say that I am a little happy. Not fapping was no problem at all the last 5 weeks. Seen a lot of girls in yoga pants and summer dresses, even when some friend shows me porn by accident I don’t care.. I got my streak and I wont break it. I now know what that does to me.
WHAT I GOT FROM IT: So are the superpowers really true? Well.. Yes and no. Yes because I am feeling good. I know I will feel better than this in a few weeks qause it’s still getting better. There is clarity and energy. But it’s not as much as others proclaim it to be.
The advantage is in how I see things now. I’m at rest about my future and future partner. I can choose whoever fits me. It will be allright. All because this challenge forced me to process my pain and insecurities. And that worked.
I now know that what made me feel good around 18 is the fact that I didnt PMO for a year. So I plan on doing that; no PMO ever. Except for when I meet the one. I will kindly ask her how she is doing and I will pick up the signs she’s givingm If it is no fit then it is no preblem I will meet her some day. Offcourse I want it to happen right now but I have time I am above things now I will never feel the way I felt a few months ago again.
Thanks for reading I really hope this gets you through that moment when it comes to you! Or helps you prepare for what you will face. Not fapping wasn’t hard, it was all the shit that came along that made it difficult. Just ask me any questions if you have them. Happy to answer. Thanks for all the people I saw on this sub, you’ve helped me a lot.