I am 25 now. I started viewing porn when i was 14 i guess. My friend gave a CD with some porn in it. I was thrilled and excited watching it. It was something so new. And i was soon hooked to it. Back then it was hard to find porn videos but getting hands on pictures on the internet was quite easy. I started fapping way before watching porn and porn just added to the excitement of fapping. As the internet grew, so did the amount of content and the ease with which i could watch,download and store porn.
This is going to get a little too detailed. So do not cuss me. I want to share my experience with the intention that it might in someway help. Maybe or maybe not.
When i started masturbation as a kid, i did not even know that what i was doing is called masturbation. I did not know it involved a release of sexual tension etc etc. Hell, i did not even know the word mating and what goes into having sex and other sexual related matters. Then through porn i have learnt a lot of stuff.
Before porn, i used to masturbate to the sensation of feeling good.It was just my soft hands on the head of my penis. Thats it. I did not have any images of women in my mind nor did i use my imagination or creativity to conjure up fantasies to fap to. Hell, the first time i saw my cum i freaked out. I thought i had some disease or something.I opened Brittanica Encyclopidea and searched for what it meant. I was that ignorant when it came to sexual matters at that time. But once porn came in, my masturbation and porn became very close buddies. I started imagining stories,fantasies, including details of how and when and where to have sex, while masturbating.
After years of watching porn, the imaginative power or the need for it gradually decreased. The porn became so creative that i did not even had to imagine things.So the times i had to jerk off using my own imagination reduced and my fapping and orgasms needed porn to succeed. And i was not aware of this consciously. Whenever i wanted to masturbate my brain needed porn. It was asking for it. Only when i had no access to porn that i used to imagine things to jerk off to which was seldom.
I used to wait for opportunities to look at porn and fap.If my parents tell me they are going out for a few hours,i used to get so excited.If my roommate says he is not coming home for the night i used to be so happy.If nothing else i had my mobile in my pocket from which i could access from anywhere,any time. All just for that release of dopamine.
THIS is how it affected my brain :
My brain formed a strong connection with nude women and people having sex to me have a hard on and jerking off, that whenever i came across a sex scene or a sensual scene in a movie i used get a hard on. Well, you can say its natural for humans to get aroused by nudity coz its ingrained biologically. There is nothing wrong. But in my case i did not want to get aroused.I just want to watch the movie and not get embarrassed if i am watching with some friends. I used to think “what the hell is going on?”. “Brain,please stop. I am not horny or even aroused a bit. And i do not want to jerk off or have sex or anything. Please relax and go limp”. It needed much effort on my side to lose the hard on.
(THIS video helps to explain a bit. And also, there was a recent post here in pornfree which was excellent in explaining the science behind porn addiction. I forgot to save it. Will post it here if i find it. )
But it happened time after time. I did know why.I regret badly about the countless hours i have spent searching, browsing, ,downloading, edging, masturbating to porn. It is such a bad cycle. What starts with just a few hot pics ends up being four-five hour long sessions. And what did i get in the end ? Pleasure of course. but with equal amount of regret that i have wasted so much time for those few seconds of ecstasy.
Secondly,the outlook i had about women had changed. My brain used to conjure up sexual or lewd imagery of girls or women i came across in magazines,films and most importantly in real life.
I used to hate myself for thinking and imagining sexual things about every other woman i met or even had a glance about. i could not appreciate nude art, i could not look at a sex scene as a part of a movie, i could not appreciate women as they are. I started objectifying women. Which made me feel very very bad and i felt like a low life.
I was also in a relationship with my ex.The sex was good and i was pretty satisfied with it but i still needed porn to fap to. I did not understand why. Well, we broke up. But for various other reasons and nothing related to my porn addiction.
I was so fed up that i recently gave up porn. I said “Hell with you. I ‘m done with you.” Porn ruined me enough. I do not want to lose control over my emotions. I do not want to objectify women. I no longer wanted to lose control of my own dick. Fuck. I couldn’t even control a hard on.
It’s been a month of me porn free and the changes are quickly apparent.
- I no longer have the urge to masturbate as frequently as i used to.
- I no longer get hard-on when i did not want to or when i was not aroused intentionally. ( like when watching a movie etc )
- I have started appreciating women more than i ever could. The emphasis on the need for understanding their inner beauty (thoughts, emotions, outlook, views, opinions) has increased substantially. It was present before too but not as much as it is now.
- My imaginative/creative power has started to come back. I do enjoy coming up with good fantasies while jerking off.
- The orgasms i am having are more enjoyable and satisfying because the pleasure is guilt/regret free. I do feel ashamed or feel bad. Because i am doing something (masturbation) in a natural way.
- I started appreciating nude art/photography for what it is, which i have always wanted to and i am so happy about it.
- Most importantly, i no longer need porn to satisfy my sexual urges. My masturbation sessions make me much happier now.
All this happens because our brain is hooked to dopamine. The “happy” chemical. Porn addiction is similar to any other addiction in terms of the chemical physiology.
I urge everyone here to first learn about what goes inside our heads while we are PMOing and stuff. It is very very very important because a better understanding of the science of addiction will help letting go of the porn much easily. You will have the reasoning with you to tell your brain to stop doing what it does. And it will listen.
I am against nofappping because there is nothing wrong in masturbation. It is a natural process and has been documented in other animals too. It is a problem when you associate it with porn. And it is bigger problem if you cant masturbate without it.
My sincere request: DO NOT listen to naysayers who will say things like “Hey,its ok watching porn. And use it as a tool for masturbation. There is nothing wrong in it.” It IS wrong. Let me elaborate.
Porn viewing is not wrong politically,socially,culturally,ethically,morally or legally. But it IS wrong when it comes to your conscience. It can be morally wrong if you keep objectifying women. It is wrong in ways that it affects your personal being, your relations and your professional work.
Porn viewing is wrong because it alters your being. It will have an affect in your thinking. Your viewpoints. Your opinions about women and sex. Which you do not want. It is very much worth it to come out of this crap. You will have many positive changes in your life. Keep going, Never ever give up.
This subreddit has helped a lot. You guys and gals here are superb. You have given me strength and more importantly, through your shared experiences, gave me reason why i should quit porn.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.