October 02, 2012 – My story is probably pretty typical… somewhere along the way I consciously or subconsciously decided that videos were a better route to release than pursuing real relationships. This is a shame because I could have had a ton of them with some really great and beautiful women but usually ignored their signals, pursued them weakly, or ended up laying naked beside them full of shame. Some people assumed I’m gay, because I probably fit the profile (or at least the old one). Intelligent, good looking, charming, talented, athletic and not interested in women (unless they were gorgeous and willing to deep throat at the drop of a hat.)
A lot of this also probably stems from my childhood and family as well. Most of my family is very religious and conservative regarding sex. As a child I had a pretty active sexual imagination and whenever it surfaced I was made to feel a lot of shame about it. I also have an abusive, self-loathing older brother who made me feel horrible whenever I had a girlfriends or crushes in elementary or middle school. Before my parents divorced (age 14) I had a few sex talks with my dad but they usually involved some BS scripture (effing hypocrite) or suggesting that I’m better off jerkin it so I don’t get all the STDs and unwanted pregnancies. He moved to another state and we’ve had pretty limited contact since then.
My highschool years can be best described as dazed and confused. Heavy pot smoking, drinking and developing my tastes as a connoisseur of the adult arts. Still, I appeared pretty normal to most people. Good grades, socially active, active in sports, music and whatever else I wanted to do. On one hand, I had the confidence and aptitude to achieve whatever I wanted (I thought), but on the other hand I was still socially awkward and probably more creepy than I knew. I could attract girls and was attracted to them, but didn’t know what to do once I got close to them.
Fast forward to college, laptop computers and tube sites and you know the story. Thankfully nothing too weird (I drew the line at bukake and felt really shameful from that, although that’s definitely the direction my tastes were starting to take me.) I’ve had a hand full of sexual encounters which usually didn’t end up so well. Probably some HOCD, undoubtedly caused by desensitization. So stupid… how could I be gay if I’ve never had feelings for a guy and constantly lusted over beautiful women?
Over the past year I’ve been feeling less “independent” and more driven to pursue real women. I suddenly started craving intimacy (weird right?) and couldn’t get enough of that high experienced after a hot kiss or some fulling around or just connecting with a pretty girl. I had several failed attempts at relationships with women (who I actually was really in to and they were in to me until they started to pick up on my anxiety and some failed attempts at intercourse.) I could get like a decent semi with some really heavy foreplay but that wouldn’t hold up long enough for solid penetration. This eventually came to a head with me being unable to get it up even to porn.
About a week later my dick sort of came back to life but it was more difficult to get a decent hard on even with my favorite girls doing what I like (in porn). Then one day I had the idea to see if I could get off without porn. It took about 45 minutes and probably never achieved anything hard enough to penetrate. Later that evening a simple question typed into google led me to YBOP and it took about 2 seconds to realize what I needed to do.
The first few weeks were pretty up and down. At about 18-20 days I had had a sex dream (no emission) then a few nights later I had a weird dream that I can only describe as sleazy. I woke up in the middle freaked out because I thought I was watching porn or something (similar to when I quit smoking) and had a raging hard on for like 2 hrs, probably the best one I’ve had in years. I was super horny and couldn’t stop thinking about these girls who I was with and what I’d be doing with them right then, but resisted the urge to MO and eventually went to sleep. The next few days were great. I went to a wedding and felt like a boss the whole time. I felt like every girl there was in to me, even ones who before were repelled by me. After that, FLATLINE_____. It sucks! I feel like I’m just entering the abyss based on what I’ve read. Today is the 29th day PMO free and while I’m not really depressed, because I have hope in the process I don’t feel to great either.
I can say that although I don’t feel great, I’ve been more confident at work and when out with friends. I don’t know if this is placebo or not but it seems natural and good. I think I get a little more pleasure from normal things like music, funny things and good food too, but it’s hard to say.
I’m having a bit of a dilemma right now regarding one of the girls I’ve been seeing. For some reason she still talks to me even though she’s figured out that I’m “damaged.” We hung out over the weekend and I had absolutely no intention of making a move on her this time, which actually made it kind of nice. I thought about talking to her about what I’m going through, and I think she would like to hear it (she’s got some of her own issues). In the end though I just ended up saying goodbye and going home that night, mostly because I wasn’t feeling well. Still, I feel compelled to talk to her about it, even without the intentions of getting back into her pants (at least not right away), just to put some of my behavior in context for her and I think it might be therapeutic for me to talk to some one in person about it.
Anyways, this concludes the most recent long rambling post on YBR, I appreciate any support!
LINK TO JOURNAL – Age 26, 29 days in and staring at the abyss???
BY – thePIEDpiper
Link to reboot post – 105 days without porn, feeling like a boss
December 16, 2012
Whoooooooo!!! All I can say is damn my hip flexors are sore haha. Took this girl home the other night and got into it… Stayed rock hard I was realllllly hammered and didn’t come, but she did multiple times.
Last night, same girl, less booze. Rocked her again and orgasmed during intercourse – something I was never able to do before. Life is good.
Since the 90 day mark I MO’d twice and then had a wet dream. The wet dream let me know that I was really getting somewhere because I’d never had one before! I also got the supplement Maca man from GNC. I don’t know how much credit to attribute to that stuff. It definitely increases my energy and stuff I don’t know if I can say that it improved my erections or not because there are a lot of other variables. Either way it’s herbal and not Viagra or anything so all is good. I have the confidence now to know that I can get super aroused from normal foreplay and get it in and keep it in. It’s prettyy prettyyyy prettyyyyy cool.
Keep at it boys and you will get there!