I still can’t quite believe I’ve lasted this long. I last fapped on January 29th. I’ve had a lot of cool experiences this year (working for a television station, working for a newspaper, meeting new people).
And it’s insane for me to think that this all happened after my last fap.
I’m much more focused nowadays. I can read through a novel in a matter of days (which is a big thing for me). I used to buy tons of books with the intention of reading them and never bother. In the last three weeks, I’ve read 4 books, and am currently reading another. Eventually plan to read all the books I own.
My moods can be quite unpredictable. One day I could feel motivated and happy and the next, quite down. It has more to do about my body image (I’m a bit overweight) and the fact I currently don’t have much of a social life. Still, I try not to dwell on the negativity and keep myself busy. Things could be much, much worse than they are.
I can get erections without much difficulty these days and feel I finally might be ready for sex. Still have my worries of trying it out in case I’m unable to, but somewhat confident I should be.
All in all, I’m very happy I’ve lasted 8 months. Back in January, while mired in the pit of PMO despair, I honestly could never have imaged this day coming. But it has, and all it took was the choice to reclaim what my pr0n habit took from me – my life.
I’m happy to take any questions you have.
LINK – 8 months today
I hit rock bottom in mid-April.
After pledging to out myself as a fap-oholic didn’t stop me fapping, I bit the bullet and I decided to tell a few of my friends about this addiction – one which I had dealt with in private for 6 years. ‘Porn’ was never my thing, what got me off were nudie pictures of women and this is what I grew up fapping to and got hooked on. My friends were supportive.
Unfortunately, even this didn’t stop my PMO habit and I fapped about a week or so later. Relapsing for the umpteenth time, I was utterly dejected and felt completely beaten. Later that day, I got drunk at a get together and told a few of my friends. They were confused at first (naturally), but they too were supportive. This was rock bottom for me and is was the instigator behind this 90 day run.
I’ve noticed a great deal about myself during these 90 days;
*I’ve identified my triggers – namely what causes me to fap – and have been able to control this for the most part (in my case, its simply staying away from the internet when the cravings come).
*In the last 90 days, I’ve gone on 3 nude image binges after seeing something NSFW on reddit and its amazing/terrifying to feel the change that happens when you do it. A wave of primal cravings engulf you and demand that you fap – a very difficult feeling to back down from. Its like your addiction is working independently from your will – which is precisely why your will must be strengthened. You must show it who’s in charge.
*Fantasizing is another habit of mine that creeps up now and again when I’m in bed, night or morning, and I’ve found can increase your cravings and lengthen the flatline. Its best to cut those out when your realise you’re doing it.
*Apart from a few examples, my social anxiety has actually worsened which I attribute to chemical changes in my brain from going without PMO. To try and combat this, I’ve thrown myself into exercise and reading – I’ve lost weight, look better than I ever have and am dealing with anxiety, improving my concentration and keeping nagging self doubt at bay by simply keeping my brain occupied.
*My penis is thicker and longer for the most part, but some days it looks like a flaccid flap of skin. Morning wood comes and goes (I had it today but can’t remember the last time I did).
*The absolute worst parts of PMO withdrawal for me are the long, seemingly never ending flatlines and crippling, debilitating headaches I get regularly. They pass after a few hours, but man are they intense.
I’ve been flatlining essentially since day one and I’m taking this as a sign I have a long ass way to go. PMO completely ruined me and I’ve had to build myself into normalcy from the ground up. I have advanced a great deal in these 3 months, but am still a WIP.
I do intend to pursue dating, to learn and socialise more and get myself in the shape of my life. I’m not out of the dark yet, but I know the dawn is ahead.
UPDATE 2 – One year!!! [long post]
Unbelievably, it’s been over two months since my ‘300 day’ post which chronicled my reasons behind doing NoFap (you can read that here for a more detailed account).
I last PMO’ed one year today. This is the longest period I’ve gone without masturbation since I started fapping over a decade ago. It’s so surreal to think I haven’t masturbated in a year. Last night I read some of my older posts on here and was taken aback by the utter desperation in some of them, speaking about the hopelessness and helplessness I felt. Reading that now, it seems so alien. I can barely remember feeling that way, but I did. Back then in the state I was in, today would’ve been a pipe dream.
My pr0n habit was very severe; I’d use multiple times a day, every day. I suspect I’d be one of the worse offenders here, due to the level of issues I’ve had from chronic PMO. It resulted in social anxiety, impotence, depression, lack of concentration, lack of motivation, incontinence, etc, etc. The various goals set for this challenge (30 days, 90 days, etc) all passed and didn’t have much of an effect. I’ve been flatlining almost since day 1, which should be an indicator for how physically and mentally messed up I was.
I have seen improvements – overall, I’m generally more calm and relaxed, less anxious. My penis actually resembles a penis now rather than a spongy, flaccid piece of flesh. I’ve had four wet dreams in the last year (one in July, August, September and a few days ago) which I’m assuming is my sexual response rewiring itself. I feel confident that I’ll be back to normal at some point this year if I stay the course but there is that uncertainty too. Whether I’m able to date/have sex or not in 2015 is irrelevant because even if it takes another year I know I will get there in the end. My concentration will return, my incontinence will go away and I will be the best I’ve ever been.
A year in, I still much advancing to do. The cravings for sexual imagery are still there and it rears its head occasionally. I’ve gone searching for it now and again throughout this reboot and still fantasize fairly regularly (thought not as much in the last month or so, I’m trying to control it). Even when I was rebooting I would still cling to it, telling myself how I might be able to PMO one day if I advanced far enough in my recovery. However, as a full blown addict who now realises the severity of their issues, I accept that isn’t going to happen. I can’t say for definite that I will never, ever masturbate again in my life, but I can’t see a time when I will ever PMO again. The desire isn’t there anymore and I know what I’d be giving up if I did. I never would’ve thought that would be possible.
Those of you who are struggling through their reboot, keep going. Quitting cold turkey from an addiction is the hardest thing you will probably ever do and it will take a lot of time and a lot of patience. However, regardless of how bad off you are, recovery is within your grasp. It’s cliche but true; if I can get so far, ANYONE can.
I recently passed a year and a half in my latest NoFap streak; the longest I’ve ever lasted. I’ve seen many great benefits, both physical and other.
Physically, I noticed a great deal of sexual difference. My penis became thicker and longer (to how it used to be years ago pre-PMO) and erections were more frequent. I would experience arousal more often and sexual frustration, too. A while back I began thinking about easing myself into masturbation again. I checked YBOP and found the following post from Gary Wilson where he states eventually most will have to test themselves by ‘MOing to see how they respond.
I weighed up the pros and cons and came close to doing it a few times over the last number of weeks, eventually backing down because I was naturally apprehensive. But frustration reared its head again earlier and I decided, that after all the thought, I was going to do it and this would be the night.
I was flaccid and didn’t respond to stimulation straight away, so I decided not to do it and went to sleep. I woke a couple of hours later with an erection, went to the bathroom and then came back to my bedroom. Again I was flaccid, but started stimulation. I eventually got hard and went for it. It felt unusual not doing with a death grip or any fantasy, but very pleasurable. I switched with both hands but found it felt better with the right (I’m right handed). When I came it was intense and hurt slightly, likely due to not ejaculating for a year and a half. I went flaccid almost right after.
So, any regrets?
Honestly, not really.
Gary Wilson has said you don’t count success in days, but the progress made in that length of time. I felt enough progress had been made, and enough time passed, where I could do it without reasonable fear of a relapse. It was an experiment I felt I would eventually needed to do at some point and I simply needed to know. Its too early to tell the effects of fapping but presently, I feel very relaxed. A chaser effect will no doubt follow but likely not strong one. I’m confident I’ll have that in check anyhow.
Long term, I don’t think I’ll go back to masturbation regularly, but I don’t regret doing it either. Its back to day 1 for me, but only numerically speaking.