I made a short post of my story when I started the challenge. Here, I want to tell you a bit more about it, what have changed during those 100 days of nofapping and what are my next objectives as some problems persists.
I’ve been fapping since I was 12 and watching porn since I was 13. I am now 26. During the years the intensity of the videos I was watching was increasing, nothing illegal, nothing inappropriate, just surrealistic and that was part of a phantasm. Over the years, this habit increased in time spending watching porn and/or fapping and it reinforced my expectations of a sexual encounter, and what I didn’t know at the time, of my sexual arousal too. I taught my brain to expect “this” to be excited. I would fap at least once a day. Sometimes, once every few weeks, I would end up fapping 3 to 5 times during the same day. I’m an introverted person and have been a shy person for most of my life. I was insecure, and had low self-esteem. As if all this wasn’t enough, I am ADD-PI, but didn’t know that until a year ago. It affected me a lot during school years and with my social interactions due to my impulsivity and emotional immaturity (which comes a long with my shyness and low self-esteem). I was a melting pot of ‘reclusiveness’. I didn’t know how to express my feelings, nor did I know how to recognize them and understand them, deal and cope with them. So, procrastination and laziness came along. I would just go towards the easy way : fap. Or even watch porn without fapping.
But in my inner self, I was trying so hard to get out of this prison. I was trying to understand what I had, I knew I had something, but didn’t know what. I had to find the source, to understand it and get the means to fix it, so I could feel and be better. Or simply, be myself. All of this created some kind of rage, pent-up anger inside me which turned me into someone mean with people, most of the time in a bad mood, always criticizing things around me, never satisfied and rigid (things were either white or black).
When I got diagnosed ADD-PI with an IQ > 99th percentile, I felt the biggest relief of my life. I know the IQ is relative, but still. I had a lot of difficulties at school and I always knew I was capable, but never knew why I wasn’t able to perform as good or better than others. This diagnostic informed me that 1. I am relatively intelligent and therefore capable and 2. the “thing” holding me back this whole time was, in part, ADD. I had enough information to know what to do and work on it, and I did.
I had to work on my emotional impulsivity, my tendencies towards procrastination and laziness, my bad habits. In other words, take my life back in control. That’s when I realized I had an addiction. Being imprinted by laziness and procrastination I would just escape into fapping and watching porn. Like a real addict, I had the urge to keep on searching for more. If I liked a pornstar I had to learn more about her and watch a lot of her movies and so forth. I could stay hours behind the screen, until 2 – 3am, looking, searching until my eyes would just close by themselves. I had over 900gb of porn on my external HDD. I couldn’t watch a movie more than 1 – 3 times, it wouldn’t be exciting anymore, so again, I always had to look for new, new, new, more, more, more. This affected my social skills, not that I had a lot anyway, and prevented me from approaching women. I had my first sexual relation at 21; then, second time I had intercourse, I was 24. I had a few relations afterwards, but most of the time I couldn’t get an erection, or keep it, or would orgasm in less than a minute. This would add more anger and frustration to what had already been built up over the years and I would make a scene out of it and be aggressive; not towards the person but I would punch the pillow or throw it across the room and swear. Believe me, that would frighten the shit out of the woman I was with. Then I would just sit on the bed, calm down, realize what I have just done, apologize. They were OK afterwards because they knew I wasn’t a violent/aggressive person. They were surprised to see me react this way because they knew it wasn’t me, at all. So did I. I was ashamed. This happened twice, each time with a different woman. After all of this, I couldn’t end up in bed with a woman ! I was scared and ashamed that I wouldn’t be able to get an erection, or that I would orgasm in a few seconds. So I ended up building anxiety and started over thinking everything. It was a never ending evil loop.
Then one day, a friend told me about nofap. I read about it and decided to take the challenge 2 weeks later. Since then, I haven’t fapped nor watched any porn videos or pictures. I started to workout, clean up after me (room, papers, clothes, dishes, studying, meetings) (still not perfect but in good process !), get organized, feel better, calmer (big difference !), more confident, have a better self-control. I was able to flirt with women in bars just for fun, even if I didn’t end up with their numbers. The important thing was that I would approach them, make a move and most importantly, feel confident. Then, I started seeing someone… I had no problem having an erection, at all, really, no problem at all. I was amazed and so happy and proud ! Then I started seeing someone else (after ending the other relationship). Same thing, no problems at all having an erection. I would even, sometimes, stay erected after achieving orgasm ! This boosted my ego > 9000 !
One of the most amazing thing I was able to do, which I didn’t know I was capable to start with, was having an orgasm by imagining a sex scene with my SO without touching myself, just by thinking. I did this because she asked me if I ever tried this and I was curious about it. so while she went to take a shower, I stayed in my bed thinking about her and what I would do to her when she would come back. It demanded a lot of energy and took a lot of will to stay focused on the story I was thinking about and not get distracted. It took me 45 minutes to finally get to orgasm ! But damn I was hard as rock the whole time. I couldn’t believe it and ran to the bathroom to tell her (she was drying her hair) and show her the sperm on me. Anyway, we were both amazed ! I tried it one more time a few weeks later while we were on the phone but we hung up and she told me to continue (we sometimes give each other orders and stuff i.e role playing, etc.) by myself without touching myself. Took me around 30 minutes this time.
So anyway, I have a few objectives left. I know they’re possible, I just need more time to achieve them. One of them is to continue the nofap challenge for as long as possible. Second is to try to improve my “stamina”, because I still orgasm in a few minutes, sometimes < 1 minute with penetration (with or without protection) but can last 20 – 40 minutes if I’m getting a blowjob or handjob. This is frustrating for both of us because we’re not enjoying it as we should. Well, she can deal with it, I can “finish” her up in other ways, but it’s not the same. Also, If I end up getting a blowjob and a few hours later we end up having sex I can last 15ish minutes. Thing is, I don’t want to have to get a blowjob to be able to last “normally” 10 – 15 minutes. Any suggestions are appreciated as I still can’t figure out how to improve my endurance.
Voila. Here’s my story so far. As I see it, it’s a 95% positive change in my life. I’ve never felt so good, nor been in such an amazing well-being state in my entire life. I know 100% is impossible, but my goal is to reduce the gap as much as possible.
As you can see, NoFap isn’t the only thing that helped me get my life back in control, but it’s a part of the process and it’s with little successes that you get a bigger result. My advice to you, as would Churchill say : never never never give up. Take one step at a time, be patient and with time and perseverance you can achieve almost anything. There’s always a door open, no matter how many doors get closed in your face. There’s always hope, as long as you’re alive.
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