So I just watched porn. I don’t know when the last time was because I haven’t kept track. I haven’t been having lots of sexual impulses lately and quitting porn def helped. But mostly because I was addicted. And I thought I needed it. And just like any other addiction, I think you build a tolerance and a addiction to porn. So,like cigarettes or meth or alcohol, if you don’t get your fix you get withdrawals.
Let me tell you how badly addictions have affected my life
Porn was my first addiction. And by far the worst. Because I was sexually abused at an early age my body and mind were hyper sensitive to sexual arousal.
And I don’t know how many people here know me, but I am a ****ing stud muffin.
Which means that sexual stuff has always been around me especially as an adult.
The issue is that my sexual abuse started before I was 6 and at age 9 we had a computer
This was 1995. We had a gateway with a Pentium processor, windows 95,a ****ing CD player ,32mbs of ram,1.66gb hard drive and I think a 166mhz processor
And not only did that bitch play Myst and ChronoTrigger it also played titles such as
Jizz Movies Literotica
And my buddies dad had playboys under his bed
And like that, I was addicted at a young young young age
And because of this addiction, and other factors in my life from living in poverty, I had no idea how behave in a proper sexual manner.
Which means that when I was molested as a kid,and nobody helped me out, I figured it was cause everyone watched porn and just kept sex a secret. And I as I write this I see that this is probably true
So when my babysitters kids started touching each other and stuff I thought it was normal. And when their mom said it was nbd I figured that was normal too
And I kept up a number of inappropriate “relationships”
(and I use that in the capacity that a 9 to 15 year old kid could)
One of those was with my friend and the first time I ever had an orgasm was because my friend got molested (I imagine) and then I was kinda ****ed too now , because he was showing me what he learned.
Which actually isn’t molest but experimenting (I’ve been brainwashed,truly)
Another one was with his younger sister who was 3.5 years younger than me. I think. It could be more. It was wrong. Age did matter.
To my defense this started when I was 6/7 so it really was kids experimenting
So at age 15 where I was watching porn as much as possible and fapping 24/7 and still living in poverty, I was confronted about touching my friends sister and I admitted to everything and I said it was part of a larger problem
But nobody wanted to hear that. And in a days I went from being popular to being a rapist. A child molester. A monster.
But I was never called a hurt child. Or a victim of abuse. Or a human being.
And so, just like in porn, my ****ed up view of reality got even worse
And I was still addicted to porn. But only porn of people having normal sex. Because I was lonely and wanted someone to love me
Two “trials” later, with 28 years hanging over my head (not even charged as an adult) I was put into a home for junior youth sex offenders. And I was 17.
And I was still addicted to porn. And had no idea how to have a positive healthy sexual relationship
And this place was hell on earth
Absolute hell
And I was still addicted to porn
I graduated after 14 months and got out and had a semi healthy life.
While I was there I was “molested” by a staff member once. And then when I got out’ my therapist (who was the best therapist ever ) “molested” me.
And I couldn’t say **** because of those 28 years man. And I was still a victim. I was ok with it. Because she was smoking hot.
With her clothes on.
Then college. And I still couldn’t have that great of relationships.
Because I was addicted to porn
I started to have ok ones but I still felt guilty about sex because of that awful fourteen months in a level 12 group home.
And when I was 20 I met a girl that changed my life and showed me how to love again
But I was still addicted to porn. And I had no idea how to stop having sex with everything that moved. I didn’t understand the full encompassing nature of pornography addiction. (I still don’t but this is a great thesis idea for my doctorate)
So I cheated. I stopped being attracted to my girlfriend. I had sex with a couple prostitutes.
because I was addicted to porn
eventually (due to poker porn and prostitutes) I had to start over and join the army.
So in Mar 2009 I enlisted.
In the US Army
And I became a US Army Infantryman
And I was still addicted to porn
In fact I went through withdrawals in basic. From porn and probably poker tbh. It was so bad that I almost went AWOL
And life went on, I got deployed to Korea and for ****s sake, poker prostitutes and porn.
My college sweetheart and I were over
I was lonely as ****.
My buddy died.
My body broke down.
I started to grind online.
And I was still addicted to porn
So I kept my vices and I was lonely. But I started to make amazing relationships over the phone. I met the est girls ever! People I knew from friends of friends and suddenly we were close.
Ah Vanessa
But even those relationships were not healthy. And I couldn’t have healthy relationships at all. I am kinda in my first one since college.
Because I am no longer addicted to porn.
I beat that ****.
And it gave me the power to do whatever I want in life.
I stood up to all the abusive people I had let me in my life
I started eating healthy
I got cut
I lost 18 pounds and my body feels great.
Omg my already amazing body is so so so much better
And I am great in bed again. Seriously. I am one of the best lovers ever. Just ask any number of women that I have really connected with.
It’s amazing
And I met a girl that has shown me how to love again.
Wendy
(My stomach is fluttering a bit as I see her smile and laugh in my mind)
I can have good relationships again!
Because I am no longer addicted to porn
I started playing poker the way I wanted and I ****ing crush !
I’m getting rid of all my other anxieties and bull**** mental leaks that porn and society have given me
I pay really close attention to my body and my mind and my spirit!
I don’t need to sleep 8hrs a day
I HAVE SELF CONTROL
I’m not impulsive!
I BEAT DEPRESSION
And I am ****ing happy.
Every single day is better than the one before
Because I am no longer addicted to porn.
And now I can do whatever I want. I make the rules of my life. I am no mans servant,especially not my own body or minds.
My soul runs my life now
Because I am no longer addicted to porn
Thanks for listening and for anyone who is reading this
Never give up on your dreams
DHCG86
LINK – I was addicted to Pornography
by DaneHolmes
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