I’m not yet at 90 days but I can feel change surging through me. I’ve become a different man from the days that I fapped.
I think before I started nofap I was living a life cloaked in darkness. I was ignorant of my surroundings, ignorant of my own misery, ignorant of the things that kept me from realizing my potential.
Now the darkness is lifted. I survey my surroundings and find myself alone at the bottom of a dark well. The grand parties, the social life, meeting wonderful women etc… This is all located at the light I see at the top of the well.
I struggle now to climb out of it. I’ve realized I’ve entered a state of learned helplessness in my life. I don’t know where I’m going, what I’m doing.
Fapping is no longer a problem for me, but now I have become aware of other problems.
I realized I pursue women, and sex not so much for the sake of romance but because I desire acceptance. For me it seems the act of sex is the ultimate act of being accepted, of feeling belonging. This is directly tied to my childhood traumas where I was bullied and never made that many friends. I finally found friends later in life, but they were all outcasts. Now that I realized I want to live a healthy life they’re dead weight due to their stagnation.
I need to find belonging and I don’t think sexual relationships are the answer. Somehow I need to obtain my sense of belonging through other means. I don’t fit anywhere, I sought to change myself to become someone that would belong and it didn’t work. I think it made my life much worse because I didn’t understand what people really wanted from me.
Now I’m tabula rasa. I have to discover my identity. Having a job, an apartment, my own car; these are just things. They don’t define me. I’m 26 and it’s time for my rite of passage. It’s time for me to somehow define my existence to discover my sense of belonging within myself. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it but it’ll be the longest most painful journey I’ll ever embark on. But It’ll be worth it. At the end of that path lies new friendships, new experiences and healthy romances. I just need to understand how to take the next steps. I need to know how to climb out of that well.
Its incredible, this was all brought about because I had ED and DE with an escort. Now I’m on a spiritual and emotional journey of discovery and it’s all thanks to this subreddit.