I wanted to share my story with you, but it won’t be as short as expected, due to a lot of basic information to show you, how i got to this addiction. So, let’s start right away: Since i can remember, abuse was part of our family. I started to participate reality and being aware of myself being a person when i was 11, same age when my parents divorced.
My mom was the product of prostitution and was locked in with her grandma, who was so depressive, that she only lived isolated inside a dark place, together with my mom who was not even iner her teenies, there to take care of her. She never was able to be a child, fed with toxic mindsets.
My dad met her one day at a marriage, and was that shining, strong white knight she dreamed of, but also a narcistic douche. I don’t know when he became an alcoholic, but i know he was an ex anabolic abuse – army – career person and had quite aggressive tendencies.
So in the process the marriage didn’t go very well, my mom born children to be less lonely and make them feed her unsatisified and neglected child inside of her. If we didn’t deliver (we weren’t even able to understand, we were fucking children) we got beaten, with all tools you can imagine, or locked away. My dad never was home due to wrok, the reason for her longing after someone (us children) being with her and a chance to bind him more to us, his family.
At some point he changed his job and lived home with us, my mom told him daily how bad we behaved and how hard our beatings had to be (5 children btw, it was like sessions of screams, tears and fear of how hard it will be), because as a man, he can hit harder. I don’t remember alot of these things, but my older siblings told me that some of us even got unconscious or once a bone broke. The weirdest part for me here is, noone noticed. No teacher, educators, or other daily life people. It felt like being delivered to this violence on a daily basis.
It became so bad that we copied our parent’s behavior. I was the only one, as youngest, who got some love from my mom here and there. A hug, a kiss, or being the only one allowed to cuddle with her. It came back in jealousy. My sister told me in tears how they tortured me till i cried, (tickling, while being held to the ground, till i cried, or being suffocated with a pillow) 4 vs 1. They knew if mom hears me crying, she’d come and beat the shit out of them, which fed their jealousy again, because it shows love towards me. So they started to cheer me up again, made fun till i laughed, so they could start all over. This went on for years.
In my youth i started to compensate these wounds with eating, i got obese and got bullied from a lot of people at school. My dad dragged me to all kind of doctors to help me lose weight, i was the sign of his misbehavior, he couldn’t take it. It never worked, so he told me how ashamed he is, how embarrassed of his son being so fat and not agile or skillful. He wished i never became his son. I found out that me and my older brother were actually unwanted accidents.
After a while (at around 13-14 years) to become more popular and getting less bullying and to escape the hate of my dad, i started to do drugs, to leave eating behind. I started smoking, alcohol, weed, mushrooms and had my first porn contact. I don’t remember a lot of my youth, i know it was all about drugs and getting these feelings to shut the fuck up. Porn was part of my life from then on, but not daily, due to not having access that easy. We didn’t own a pc or internet, and magazines were hard to get lol.
In the following 3 years my dad changed job 2 times again and started to drink on a daily basis, without hiding it. My sister told me how she sometimes found him crying in the kitchen in the middle of the night, chugging booze. It was his relief of stress, besides picking arguments over totally useless topics, such as: You cut the vegetables wrong. Gays and immigrants are bad and how fucking retarded everyone except him is, at work, at home, everywhere. He started to become more violent once we were able to win the arguments and parry his toxic influence he had. He started beating his new wife. Us, his own sons had to threaten him to never do that again, or we would beat him up. From then on i noticed more and more what a broken man he actually was. My own father lost his masculinity, his power, his role towards me.
When i started my training (around 17) i left drugs behind, because it didn’t benefit me in the training and i had to be clear minded to not kill someone during my shifts. My porn use became a bit more and in that time i already noticed (but didn’t realise why) that i had less interest in girls than others and i had ED when it came to action. I even secretly thought about maybe me being gay, and felt bad about it and confused, while it was judged being bad by my father all the time. I swapped drugs for more alcohol, and i almost became addicted. I emptied a bottle of whisky daily, for around half a year, till i noticed it was really bad for me and i’d become addicted, liver deseases etc. I was afraid of the consequences.
After 1-1.5 years i swapped some drugs back into my suppressing routine, because i became good enough to not let harm happen to patients, even while not fully clear minded (i never used drugs at work, or was drunk). That behavior slowly faded and porn became my new nr. 1 suppression. Later i had a girlfriend (from 21-23), she was beautiful and awesome, we even moved in together, but i barely had sex with her (damn me), due to my addiction, but i still didn’t realise that porn can be a fucking addiction AND was the reason for my missing libido. Nobody tells you. In school it’s about cigarettes, alcohol, drugs. But porn? LOL
The relationship ended after 2 years. Her father died in an accident, age 51, her whole life changed; there was no space for me anymore. We had a tough time for about half a year. She cried every night in my arms, unable to sleep, i spent every night awake with her, keeping her save. We had to drive 4 hours one way on our days off work and empty the whole house, garage and workshop including 3 bikes and a boat. Her mom went to court, because after their divorce, they didn’t split all the valuables with a contract, there was no evidence she ever got anything. She took that chance. So we went to a lawyer and fought her as well. 2 Life insurances didn’t pay, because it was an extreme sport accident. It happened in the USA, so we had to manage a lot of paper work to get his body burned, and the ashes flew over to Europe. All that happened 3 Weeks before Christmas. Fucking great. But we were able to manage all this, but the relationship didn’t last. I just hope she is well.
Afterwards it became really bad. I masturbated 2-9 times daily, after i came home, i started to download good porn movies, to keep them for later. I started to isolate myself, within videogames, porn, alcohol, food and music. I rarely went out and even my friends asked me whats wrong. My whole life went into a little box, no harm, no emotions. When i wanted to change, i broke my knee cap, and was unable to work or socialize normally for half a year. More porn, masturbation and food, i gained weight, a lot. I ended up at 115 kg.
At some point (after 3 years, now 26) i lost the sensation of doing anything. I went to sports to become as sexy as porn actors, to get porn actress like girls. My motivation vanished, work and everything else became a grey goo which was so boring, I only enjoyed gaming and fapping. Gaming only worked, because it was distracting me, while i waited to be ready again for another round of porn. I slowly developed porn induced fetishes, which gave me the feeling of a even lower chance of meeting a girl who can satisfy me at all. You can’t ask for those things in the beginning of a relationship.
While browsing i came along a documentary about porn. I noticed how much it suited me, the symptoms, behaviors and feelings. So i started a trial: 2 weeks of nothing, NoFap, no porn. I failed after 9 days. I tried to change, for 2-3 months, but gave up every few days, without knowing about all this nofap and the whole range of all this and how huge the influence of this addiction is. I met a girl while gaming, from a different country even, she came over just for me, knowing about all of this here, and i had ED worse than ever. I started my reboot, and here it became CRISPY AF!
I crashed, hell guys, i crashed so hard, you can’t imagine. I felt like the most miserable piece of shit. I was anxious, cried all the time and started vomiting out of nowhere. I didn’t sleep, sometimes i was awake for over 50+ hours, while still going to work. I wasn’t stable at all, i wanted to kill myself once, it was the only clear thing on my mind, so loud and clear, while everything else just became silent. “JUMP OUT AND ITS OVER! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS!” was all i had in my mind for a few seconds. I just sat there in my chair, absent, but still trying to resist the urge to jump, even i didn’t know what resistance meant in that moment anymore. I was shocked of myself and it became worse: I lost my sexual identity, i lost myself, everything of value left, was gone now too.
Nothing in life had value left. I was left alone with myself, that person i numbed down in addictions. Then, the memories came. All i had suppressed for about 14-15 years came back up (all i mentioned above), i felt all this pain, all these wounds started bleeding again, i was drowning, sinking deep into places i never want anyone to ever witness. I felt so lost, and went to a psychologist. It was time to face all these demons inside of me and the behavior it caused. The suffering was real, but that’s what i was used to all my life, but this time, it actually felt threatening.
At that point i knew, i had to do this, i had to fight this off, me, or all this bullshit, what did i want to be? The choice was easy. The first 3 weeks were hell. After some time i first felt like a fresh breath in my head, like emotions, or value. A bit of me. It came in waves, weeks of bad feelings, and the next week of relieving upheaval. Every time it became stronger, every flatline became worse, every week after them, better and better, i was becoming myself again. The urges were powerful, damn guys, i can only tell that the biggest desire times 100 is not even close.
I got my smile back, i cried so many times, just because i felt again, i felt bits and pieces of myself, world became colorful again. I regretted my decisions, but understood how a young man can’t take all this pain, and chose survival, to fight another day. It all seemed to make sense now, slowly.
Till day 60 it was really hard, after that, it became easier, i noticed that i wanted to replace the emptiness with good things. What things? I didn’t really choose, it just came by itself. After a few more weeks, i am mostly just waiting for day 100 (Hard Mode reboot, first try, no relapse, i don’t count it as monk mode, because sports and diet was in my routine before already).
I am close to finish, its day 88 today, my view onto life and myself changed so much, and there is so much more to come. I started to dress better, lost 25kg, keeping my flat clean, work out even more, read again, meditate, travel, go out and even have dates. I am planning on never PMO again, only real sex with real women, but i am a bit afraid of the first time. Will it be satisfying? Will i have ED? What about chaser effect? I will let you know.
What i want you to learn from this is the following:
1. No matter how hard it seems, it IS doable. You CAN do it!
2. There is a reason for your behavior! Find out why you became like this, and solve it!
3. Looking for help is GREAT! Do it! Tell all your friends about it, and let a therapist guide you. You won’t be judged! When i tell my story to people, they have huge respect for my willpower and strength.
4. Get hobbies! Do things! All you wanted to do, before you lost track!
5. Cry. Cry out all the pain you can find, if a feeling disturbs you, feel it, let it in, accept it and cry, fight or do what is necessary to become and accept your own being and feelings.
6. You are NOT alone! We can help each other, be honest about all of it, and people will help. Don’t be afraid of being vulnerable. We all are, at all times. Everyone knows, but nobody admits. Warmth and acceptance will be brought towards you!
My thoughts are with all of you guys still fighting, you are doing great!
If you have any questions, feel free to ask! We are in this together brothers!