Started PMO at 14 when my dad got us high-speed internet and I discovered torrents. I would download dozens at a time and MO several times a day. My mom only had dial-up, but I made do with random pics of naked celebrities or MILFS. This habit continued on through high school, where I was totally apathetic to having sex, or even a girlfriend for that matter.
I got a good job and moved out at 21 (still a virgin) and was awakened to the dark, abyssal pit that is tube porn. This became a daily thing for me, and with an extremely diminished social circle I indulged to the point of addiction. My totally ‘meh’ attitude towards women continued, exacerbated by the endless supply of instant pleasures from the internet. In my mind I didn’t need a girlfriend, or to go through all the trouble of finding one, because I had thousands of them at home. All of them beautiful, horny and rarin’ to go. They would never judge me or reject me or play games with me, they just wanted to pleasure me. They didn’t care how long I last, or if I’m inexperienced. In my twisted brain they were perfect and all I needed to sexually fulfill myself is a couple mouse clicks and 10 minutes with my own hand. So simple, so easy. A quick dopamine rush and I’m good for the day.
Fast forward to age 24 after having almost no success with the ladies in the years prior. I finally got my first real girlfriend, someone I had known for over a year beforehand (that’s right, broke the friendzone barrier!). The first 13 or 14 months with this girl were just amazing and she took my virginity. Sex was very trying as first. I couldn’t finish at all. Then slowly started to go softer and softer when we did it, with thoughts of pornstars flooding my head, becoming untethered from her and from reality. I knew porn was the root cause of my issues, it had to be. I’m a healthy, active, young guy. There’s no reason I can’t maintain a hard-on with a gorgeous naked girl in my bed. I tried on my own to quit, but to no avail. The habit was too engrained and I was living alone at the time, so I had no accountability. The sex got better and eventually I could cum every time, but it wasn’t until I started my NoFap challenge that decent sex became awesome.
Last October, (about the time I stumbled upon and took up NoFap), I fell into a deep depression, mostly due to my own view on my life. I didn’t seek treatment, thinking I could endure it on my own, and this took a huge toll on the relationship. We broke up in July and I’m still reeling over it since. Trying to move on, date other people etc. but it’s so difficult and I miss her and the dog we adopted together more than anything. She’s already seeing someone else and it looks quite serious, which makes it all the harder.
So here I am at 90, not where I want to be in life, but feeling like things will only get better from here. Obviously I’ve only skimmed the surface of my journey and experiences along the way, so I’d be happy to answer any questions people might have!
He answers a question:
Thanks man, I really do appreciate it.
I honestly don’t feel the strong urges that I used to at this point. They peaked around the period that you’re at (day 50 – 65), so from my experience you’re in the 9th circle of hell right now. But I promise it will pass, and that’s why I’m convinced this thing is for real. Don’t get me wrong, I still get rushes of sexual energy, but it’s for real women, not for porn. I have no desire at all to look at pixelated girls for my own perverse satisfaction anymore. It will pass.
The thing I noticed the most is the complete eradication of social anxiety. In my PMO days I was perfectly happy to just stay home and fap the night away in hobo-like seclusion, but now I crave human interaction. I want to be with my friends and family more, I want to go out and meet girls, I want to play my sports as much as possible. As cliche as it might sound, I just want to live more. And it feels great!