It’s been a while since I’ve been here and I’m thrilled to say I’m cured of DE and PIED. Abstinence from porn has cured both my anxiety and inability to orgasm and now I’m in what I hope is my perfect relationship.
The only trouble is I’m having a hard time letting go of the guilt and shame of my past experiences; chiefly my inability to have orgasmed with partners without use of fantasy. I feel this has massively cheapened the connection I wanted to have with my past partners (but was the only way I could maintain normal relationships). One of these relationships was with a very dear friend of mine who I still see regularly and I feel very guilty (I didn’t at the time, as I wasn’t having “normal sex” per se and so the whole fantasy thing was just “normal” for me), as if by using fantasy to push me over the edge I was cheating on her somehow.
I also have a hard time dealing with the resentment i have towards my parents who are partly responsible for these issues in the first place, and am sick of hating them for it and just want to get on with my life.Those of you who know me will know I have crippling OCD and so this may be exacerbating my feelings. I just want to make a new start and stop feeling so terrible.
Well done to everyone trying here and wish every one of you makes the recovery I’ve been so lucky to have.
BY – apc27
INITIAL POST – My Journal (updated regularly)
I’ve started a new relationship with a girl I have really strong feelings for, but I’ve been having sexual issues which has really set my confidence back. I’ll say a little bit about my history; I’m 27 years old, and since my first time I have had delayed ejaculation. I started on internet porn around 13 and I’ve had to fantasize certain scenarios to get over a certain pleasure threshold (once I’m there I can focus on the girl and bring myself to orgasm through looking at her and sensation). This hasn’t really bothered me too much as when I was younger it meant I could last for ages and I had no problems maintaining an erection.
However, on our first time together with this girl I got dreadful performance anxiety and now I have trouble maintaining an erection when we’re together. She takes a lot of time to get “ready for entry” so theres a lot of foreplay involved. I won’t lie, I feel there is a lot of pressure for me to perform in this situation, but luckily she is amazingly understanding. When we kiss and cuddle I have no problem getting erect but when it comes to penetration my system panics and shuts down. Thankfully we’ve had one successful session when I was drunk which was incredible but I also had a tab of viagra which my doctor prescribed me to get over the psychological ED. I think my body is starting to resist viagra because I experienced ED again recently when I was dosed up.
Here’s the thing; I’ve recently given up regular porn use. I haven’t been a heavy user (I define heavy by once or twice every couple of days) for a few years, and I now have a strong moral objection to the internet porn culture which has colored my views on pornography as a whole (I also suffer from OCD so my moral compass is on constant overdrive). As it stands now I look at porn maybe once a month, and its been this way for a few months now (I recently ended a longterm relationship so am attributing my drop in porn use to possible depression too). Is it possible I’m in the middle of a flatline? My libido seems to require a kickstart every now and then as I don’t get spontaneous erections nearly as often. I also can’t achieve a sensation-based erection, which I used to be able to do. I’ve taken steps to improve my erectile health such as more exercise and giving up smoking, is there anything else I can do? I really hope I’m not in the middle of a flatline because I really like this girl and don’t want to put our sex life on hold for fear of losing her. Thanks.