I’m a 27-year old PMO addict who has been trying to recover for the last 8 months. I’ve had a PMO addiction for well over 12 years. Drug addiction for 10. Online video games for another 6-7 years.
Age 1-13
-Normal Kid. Very social and happy with life.
Age 13-16
– Started to PMO a lot. Mostly to fantasy and any TV show, magazine or newspaper that resembled any semi-hot woman. Social anxiety began.
Age 17-21
-Began to smoke marijuana daily. Then Crystal Meth. Meth+Porn is absolutely addicting. I would literally PM for 24 hours straight.. or more… can u believe that? Then, when I couldn’t go any more, I would literally visit every porn shop in the city within a 10-hour period. Then PMO for another 24 hours. The things I have done… I can’t speak of. Social Anxiety got worse. A lot worse.
Age 22-26
-Stopped meth but continued to smoke marijuana. I’ve held the same job for about 9 years now to pay for my PMO habit. I then really got into massage parlors. I’m talking about weekly or twice weekly massages with “happy endings.” I could get off to a woman giving me a HJ, but never through sex. I had porn-related ED. My social anxiety reached an all time high. I more or less cut myself off from all my friends and family , except holidays.
December 1st. 2010.
-Paid to have sex with the hottest college-girl escort I have ever laid eyes on. But I couldn’t get hard. And when I did, I came in about 30 seconds. Left her house feeling like a complete loser and moron for wasting my money.
I came across Marnia’s article Was the Cowardly Lion Just Masturbating Too Much? as well as yourbrainonporn.com.
I realized that most of my problems were probably from PMO (and drugs or a dopamine rush in general), and it was time to do something about it. Gave up PMO (December 7th). 9 days later (December 16th 2010) I gave up marijuana forever. I also began to run, exercise daily and eat healthy. 23 days later (January 2nd 2011) I gave up cigarettes forever as well.
My confidence climbed so much it actually hurt me—as I decided it was OK to get a massage, which ended in a chaser effect and relapse. Binged hard.
Jan 1 2011 to July 10th
– For the next 7 and a half months I would go 1 or 2 weeks of no PMO then BINGE HARDDD. Again and again and again. Same tune different week. I did however continue to stay sober from marijuana and cigarettes. I also continued my daily exercise of running and lifting weights, which got my body fat under 9%. My social anxiety would improve a little, then get worse. My attitude and emotions were up and down a 100x over.
July 10th to August 4.
– I’m now 24 days sober from all PMO. Again. Longest I have ever gone without PMO.
I signed up for fall semester college night classes, and plan to see that through until I graduate with a degree. I’m not satisfied with where I am in my life. I painted my condo that I recently purchased and have been adding to my wardrobe. As well, I have been putting money into my savings account and Roth IRA for the 1st time in my life. (Almost accumulated 1000 dollars). It’s amazing how much you save when your not buying weed, cigs and porn.
I feel very energetic and my social anxiety is at an all time low. I speak with woman more often in the gym now and once a week go to the movies with my best friend.
I’m still not where I want to be. I always have that thought in my head that says, “Just ONE MORE TIME” – thinking of PMO. But I won’t let it happen this time. What’s stopping me? I am going to college in 41 days. School for the 1st time in 10 years. With my social anxiety that seems like an CRAZY idea to me.
However, I feel that by stopping my PMO habit that anxiety will cease to exist by the time my 1st day rolls up. At least I hope so. If I relapse on PMO, I’ll be to frightened to show up to my classes that I already paid for. I won’t let that happen. NO WAY! NOT THIS TIME!!!!!
[Day 30] I was watching some drama flick when for a brief moment it showed woman nude dancing in a strip club scene. I got this rush and my heart started pounding like it was ready to pop out my chest. I then shut off that movie and watched something else. I barely even looked at the woman and I got all these flashbacks. I get this “rush” way too much from every day situations. A curvy woman on a beer advertisement in the liquor store? A cute asian woman in a movie? A pretty woman in a commercial? Everytime… I get that feeling… like Dopamine is being released into my blood stream. Is this normal? Would I feel this way If i never looked at porn? Did porn permanently screw up my thought process? AHHhhhhhhh I hate it.
PS. I have been addicted to porn for 10+ years, so I guess I shouldnt expect drastic changes in 30 days.
[Day 35] First day at college. Longest I have gone without PM -AND- O. Overall I feel better each and everyday. I’d say I am at about 50% to full recovery mentally. I find it easier to laugh, joke at work, socialize and just be myself. My confidence level is through the roof. I walk with pride, I make eye contact with anyone who crosses my path, and I speak loud… Maybe too loud.
Physically I’m 100%. Super duper hard morning erections, even spontanious erections at times. Which is pretty awesome considering I had the worst ED ever about 8 months ago. (Quitting smoking weed and cigs probably helped).
The first time I went without PMO (8 months ago), ED was my biggest concern. As soon as it came back I was always touching it and playing with it which eventually led me back into PMO. This time around I really have ignored my penis, without much effort too. The second week was pretty rough but since then I can easily ignore my erections. I run a lot…A LOT, and work out a lot. I’m sure that must help relieve the tension.
My last blog entry I mentioned how seeing any even remotely cute woman on TV, commercial, liquor store ad, walking through the mall would give me a huge pump of andrenaline or…. dopamine rush. The moment I seen a sexy woman, 2-D or 3-D, I would get this feeling in my heart like I’m looking at porn. I wouldn’t necessarily get an erection, but that RUSH was definitly there. Now, I still get the feeling, but less so. I feel like that “rush” some how coincides with my anxiety.
Today was my 1st day of college (after workin an 8- hour shift). My anxiety was pretty weak considering the situation with all the beautiful woman walking around.
Since my first stint of PMO soberness which led to quitting weed and cigs I have lost a considerable amount of weight. I’m down too 7~9% body fat, and gained quite a bit of muscle, which really gives me confidence. Especially today, when I turned quite a few heads at college. It makes me laugh a lot. I love it. I love the feeling of laughing again. A real laugh.
by snakehandler
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