WHERE I WAS. My story is typical. I watched porn for the first time when I was 10 or 11. Since then, pornography has accompanied me for 16 (yes, sixteen) years. I don’t wanna go deeply into details. You all know how it is. I’ve been struggling for years. I had couple of decent streaks but every time addiction found a way to confuse my spirit, mind and body.
WHERE AM I NOW
This year I’ll be 28. The last three months were different. I’ve made it. I was able to start process of real change. For good. I feel it deeply inside. Moment is decisive. If you go through it you’ll never come back to darkness. You know how brightness looks and feels like now. There is no way back.
STORY OF THE LAST RELAPSE
Last time I relapsed in December 2016, seven days before Christmas Eve. I sniffed some drugs night before and went to a techno party. I relapsed in the morning. It hurt badly because I had long streak until then. It was my final fall and the beginning of my success story.
Yes, I met a girl at that party. She texted me just after my relapse. Then I realized, with the strongest intensity I ever experienced, what the fuck I just did. In one moment I understood what impact this addiction had on me. I realized how I constantly missed my chances. My thought was: “You have to do everything contrariwise this time, don’t run away but step into real life once again”.
We have the most amazing relationship now. I told her my story and allowed her to reject me, but it didn’t happen. In the beginning, I wasn’t the best lover and guess what? She didn’t break up with me because of my “little bed experience”. What’s more, she waited for my readiness to do “it”.
(And guys, trust me, relationships are not only about sex. Yes, It’s beautiful, yes it’s very important, yes girls love it, but I’m sure You too gonna realize that the closest relationships are much more complex.)
I’ve fought against all my worst fears and nightmares. At the same time I’ve allowed my heart to feel and my eyes to cry. I was the most honest guy I could be. I dropped my masks of cynicism, posturing and showing off. I let myself be who I really was. That’s the trick.
Through all these years I’ve played a role. Role of a guy who was strong and role of a guy You cannot hurt. A guy who was too brilliant to allow anybody to get closer to him. A guy who hid a sticky, dark secret and who molded his masks from it.
IT’S ALL ABOUT YOUR WILL
Don’t mess it with a willpower to fight against porn addiction. It’s about Your will to open Your heart, to drop Your masks of self-destruction, to show Your sensitivity and allow Yourself to being vulnerable. The will to be the way You really are. Especially If You feel weak.
Now I feel alive, finally. When I think about these last three months I don’t even remember a single moment when I was even close to watch porn. I dedicated my time completely to immerse into this relationship. You have to do the same. It can be anything. Anything from Your dream shelf. And be sincere with yourself.
Dawid from Poland
PS. Sorry for possible errors.