Age 28 – 9 months: From aggressive hatred to spiritual calmness

I am 28 and come from Europe. This is my first post ever and I want to share my experience with you. My post will be long since I want to share every bit of detail with you. This journey has made me consider life in so many new ways and it has, indeed, made some huge changes in my life. Only for the better.

Short PMO background: Began as 11 year old to magazines. Trading and swapping with classmates. Saw no harmful thing about it since everyone was doing it.

Heard about nofap at the beginning of April 2013. Had to consider it for a while, and it wasn’t until I saw the YBOP six part videos, that it finally clicked with me.

Let me start out be telling you who i was prior to nofap: Since 8th grade I have been the shy pimple-face guy that never showed up for any parties or social activities. I had a small hand full of friends that I relied on, but i didn’t dare to speak to girls and in the few incidents that i actually did would be utter failure. So I fapped instead. Didn’t really know why i did it, but it felt good. I also relied heavily on video games. Played N64 and sega all day long when coming home from or when i skipped school. skipping homework as well. Guess the divorce of my parents made me delve into porn and videogames even more heavy.

Fast forward to highschool. I found out what alcohol could do for me. It killed the anxiety that really had a good grip in me. I drank a lot when going out: tons of beer. At the same time i began to develop this sort of anger-filled mood. Being aggressive as hell. Listening to death/black metal all the time. Would never take off headphones when in public and i seriously hated everyone. Pure hate for no reason. Just hated them. I hated my mother, my father, my sister and all people i didn’t know. Bear in mind that I was fapping every day at least 2 or 3 times.

Girls  : I always hated girls deeply inside. I saw them as evil and calculating. I would only loosen up if i felt they were ready to jump me, because then i knew i would get from them what i wanted. Orgasm. I literally only wanted their body and i would do everything to talk them into bed. Think i have been to bed with 50+ girls through my life. Never felt love. Never could. Only felt disgusted with them as soon as i had fucked them. Dumping them. Moving on to the next one. Hated to be rejected. Once ended up in a psychiatric hospital because of an “anger-attack” from rejection. My emotions were basically one big fucked up mess. I felt as if i couldn’t control em. Had 2 real girlfriends, but i were never in love with them. I would always cheat on them. Hated when they made demands and future plans about them and me. Because in my mind i had already dumbed them. No one was good enough. The only girls i fell “in love with” were the ones who looked like porn models. I would love their bodies and faces and I craved them so much and wanted to fuck all the time. Eventually they dumped me. I have never experienced ED or any sort of that. The sex has actually always been healthy, but my emotions was blunted. I didn’t care about girls emotions. It was one big mess.

Socially: The last couple of years has been a bitter fight every day. Thats the way i saw it. I still hated people and i would often end up in stupid meaningless discussions with people. It all culminated in 2010 when i ended up in a fight. The guy punched me and i punched back. Police arrived. i got fined for fighting in public space. The funny thing is that i was looking for the rush. my mind was like: “hand me someone i can have a fight with”. That was my mind at the time. And i knew nothing better than leaving a party early to go home and play call of duty all night. Still fapped 2-3-4 times a day. I could be cruel to my friends and family as well. Always picking on them, suggesting that they were stupid morons who didn’t knew shit about life. And i felt good while doing so.

My view on porn at the time: I liked it. Why would’t I? I didn’t see at as harmful in any way, but I remember a few years ago I was like: “why am I doing this?? Im not even horny.” I tried to stop because i felt it was pointless, but two days later i fell in again. I never escalated my “taste” in porn. mostly i would save nude photos on my hard drive. Had 13.000 in the end. Like i said i never had a problem with it, but again, there was this distant voice saying: “its weird. you shouldn’t do it”.

All in all i was a sadistic asshole to my surroundings. I hated everyone, but most of all I hated my self. I couldn’t commit to any girl. I was depressed. I even went to see a shrink, but little did it help. I surrounded my self with negative stuff. Got into racism stuff like white pride mentality and neo nazi stuff. I looked at gore videos on the web, people being molested, decapitated, shot, hanged…and i didn’t know why i was seeking it.. I felt ashamed afterwards. Hated my self. had nightmares. hated people even more for being so naive. hated girls for Being so light minded about life. Thought about suicide. Seeing my own funeral. at times i felt possessed. it sounds stupid, but thats what i felt. Like some scumbag was talking through me all the time. (im not religious in any way btw) I was seeking evil everywhere. Always looking for a conflict. always fapping 3-4 times a day.

Nofap: I began Nofap on 22nd of April 2013 and it has been the most important decisions of my life. I have had A LOT of sex since I started and my mood has increased although I still see improvements now and then. But the biggest change for me is that i feel the core of life. Nature feels so much stronger now. I can observe birds in the sky, looking at trees leaves swaying in the wind, feeling the chill of the winter air, observing water in a glass, the feel of fresh grass on a natural field…. and so on.. its fantastic. I can feel the inner core of my self. My body feels alive. I am exercising as hell now. doing 100 pushups everyday no matter what. going to the gym as well. I have a massive body now, but its exercise for the sake of mental health. not vanity. I can now look at girls and men with a sensation of love. It sounds weird, but i love everyone, because they are my fellow humans. We are all in the same boat. I can now talk patiently with my parents without snapping out, getting angry. I feel spiritual and calm most of the time, and it hurts me to watch the news because of so much shit going on around the world. It can make me tearful. That would have been impossible only 10 months away.

2 weeks ago i decided to quit everything regarding sex, flirting, dating and so on. Don’t know if that is a late flatline or so, but the way I see it I just need a huge break. Maybe 3 or 4 months of pause. Because I know that im still not fixed. Because i have abused so many girls emotionally the last many years and i need further reboot with-in my reboot. I won’t try anything with any one until I feel truly ready to give true love. I’m done having one night stands…. Had enough of that. only makes me emotionally confused. I want to fix my life further. Focusing on my education. My friends and my future in general. Relationships, sex and every thing in that matter is put on hold.

How i look at porn now: I had one relapse after 2 months. without porn. It felt boring and unstimulating. Didn’t really see it as a set back because i had already committed so strongly to nofap so i just moved on telling myself: “well, was that nice?….hmmm, no… good. Then don’t do it again”. I dont hate porn. I just see it as something I have to avoid. Fine if some can control it and live a good life, but i can’t. I have told about nofap to all my close friends and out of 6, 3 are practicing it. some with a better understanding than others. Porn is what porn is. a product of a “free world”. I would wish to see it go bankrupt some day.. just like Mcdonalds, haha.

Future visions: I will improve even more as a human, as a friend, a colleague, a family member, as a father for my son and so on… Thanks to the Underdog for talking about life visions in general. It inspired me a lot.

It has been hard to write this post and it might seem difficult to read and maybe a bit messy. sorry for that if so. But it felt so good to tell all of you. all of your success stories is what have helped me to get to where i am now mentally. And i will keep improving. Love to you all and keep doing what you are doing. don’t fall for temptation. Big hugs!!!

LINK – 9 months of nofap — From aggressive hatred to spiritual calmness.

by Spectre28