November 27, 2012 –It’s day 25 since my wife found my porn collection and left me taking our 5 month old daughter away. So the background, this will be a long story but I have have really appreciated being able to read everyone else’s stories and I know sharing mine will help me. I am 28 years old and have been happily married for 2 years to my wife who i met 6 years ago.
We have a beautiful baby girl who just means the world to me. Being a Dad is the most amazing and rewarding experience you can ever have.
I started using porn probably at about age 14. Stealing a picture mag every once in a while from my older brother. When I was 16 we got the Internet and a friend told me where to go to get the “good stuff” for free. He gave me a website where you could find just about any fantasy you desired.
My soft-core porn use quickly became very hardcore. I was going through a lot of emotional issues at the time with my mother being absolutely insane and basically emotionally abusing me. No physical or sexual abuse but just a lot of stuff for a young teenage boy to handle. I was feeling very powerless at the time and I quickly found that my porn turned to some very extreme stuff that I think played into a male power fantasy. Things got real bad and I started using very extreme borderline illegal porn.
After a while I realised how bad things were and dialed it back to more ‘reasonable’ porn, which was still very extreme.
12 years later, now married I didn’t think about my porn use much it was just something I did. I used porn at least once a week sometimes more but I didn’t think it was an issue.
Then my wife found some images I had on my computer and freaked out. My wife was sexually abused as a young teen. I am very familiar with her history as I have been helping her get over the effects for our whole relationship. It took me years to actually get her to trust me, because i had a penis i could not be trusted. Eventually she did trust me and we worked through our issues together.
So when my wife found images of girls that looked to be younger than morally appropriate (I am trying to be tactful here) she freaked out and left. She felt that if i was looking at images like that, that I would be a danger to our daughter.
It was only then that I realised that my porn collection was a big issue (understatement of the century).
I was referred to a specialist psychologist to help me get off the porn and make sure I was not a threat to my daughter. Not by court order or anything just from a psychologist my wife and I saw together. He helped me work through some issues and agreed with me that I was not a threat. I know in my heart that I would never hurt my daughter. My wife and I started reconciling and after 8 days apart we moved back in together.
Things were strained but we love each other very much so we were able to work together and move forward. I started talking to some of my close friends about my porn (something I have never done before) and everyone agreed that it was not as bad as i thought. I was not a monster but a normal guy. Its normal for guys to be attracted to “barely legal” girls its how we are designed as mammals. Everyone agreed that it was my wife’s abuse that was making things worse and I just had to support her through this trying ordeal that stirred up all the old emotions. I would of course have to dial back the porn to appropriate material but that was it.
To put it bluntly I had been lying to everyone, including myself, about just how bad my porn collections was. I had kept telling myself that everything was legal (or most of it) and everyone was happy and there was no violence in any of it. It’s all fantasy so whats the harm.
4 days ago things were going really well. I was being more honest with my wife, we were happier and things were looking up.
So I suggested we go through my porn collection together so that we could move on, and then I could put an axe through my harddrive to destroy it all. She wanted to go through it and I didn’t see the harm, she’d already seen the worst of it.
So there we are going through the images and they just keep getting worse. The girls get younger and younger until I can’t guarantee that they are actually just 18 years old pretending to be younger. I started breaking down, i went into the fetal position and cried. I had been deluding myself to think that this was normal.
Then we went through my videos and things got worse. She checked some to make sure they were ok, it was all very extreme but nothing hurting anyone, until we found the ones that did. Videos that I had downloaded years ago and forgotten about. Real sick extreme stuff. Thats when I just went numb. I couldn’t believe just how far down the rabbit hole I had gone with this porn collection and until i got found out I thought it was normal.
She got very angry, not just that I had it but that I had lied about it. I had told her there was not anything worse. She couldn’t believe that she had come back to me, she felt sick just thinking that she had started kissing me again and talking about the first time we would have sex again.
The next day she sent me a link to YBOP and things started to make sense. Even though I have hurt her so badly she still wants to help me. Everything he was saying about how porn affects your life got me thinking. I have never had a good sex life. I can not O from sex. It has only happened 3 times in my life. My wife has been the only person that could make me O even with a HJ and only then a couple of times. No one could ever go fast or hard enough. I would often choose porn over trying to have sex with my wife and she is a beautiful women. My libido has been terrible for years. We rarely have sex and when we do it is often a struggle for me to get it up or stay up. Often I would go soft during. But again I never stopped to think that any of this was anything other than normal.
So after going through YBOP things start to make more sense. I need to get rid of the porn for good. No just going back to normal levels going back to nothing. I can’t be a husband or a father if I have this deep dark secret part of me that is watching horrible things in the middle of the night.
My wife is very upset/angry/hurt. But she still loves me. She has said that it is up to me if we stay together or not. If I can change and get rid of this demon, if I can stop all the lies, then we can work and we can be together. She will hold onto me for as long and as tightly as she can, but if I keep lying to her, if I don’t get off the porn, then she will have no choice but to take our daughter and leave.
So day 25 of no P and about 10 with no MO. I am going to go 90 days minimum with no PMO and no P for life. My wife is willing to do whatever it takes even if that is no sex for a year, for me to get better. I love her so much but I am afraid any sexual contact will set me back. I need to reset to zero and means zero sexual stimuli for a while.
I have realised just how bad I have been for so long. I have hurt the person that means more to me than anything else in the whole world in the worst possible way.
One of the hardest things is just realising how much i have been turning a blind eye to everything that I was doing. I always thought I was a good guy with good morals and ethics, but how then could I have been watching and enjoying all this messed up stuff.
So the lies stop now. I will not hide anything anymore. I will not use P again. I will get better.
And above all I will keep my family. I don’t know what I would do without them.
February 18, 2013,
Hello my fellow rebooters.
I am officially calling my reboot a success. After 90 days of no PMO I have successfully realigned my brain, broken my porn addiction, and had the most amazing sex of my life. This reboot has done so much more for me than fixing my penis, it has saved my marriage and maybe even my life.
For a detailed version of my back story you can read it in my journal here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=4575.0
The short version: I had been addicted to hardcore/extreme pornography since age 16 (I am 28 now). The addiction has given me minor ED, inability to O during any sexual encounter that is not my hand, decreased my libido, and stolen a lot of my manliness.
When my wife found my porn collection it almost cost me my marriage, she left me taking our baby daughter away, and I went into a depressed mental breakdown with suicidal thoughts. My life got back on track when my wife sent me a link to www.yourbrainonporn.com
So after 90 days of no PMO (with more than a little support from this amazing forum), my wife and I are very strong together. She understands my addiction and is very supportive. We have started having sex again and it is far better than sex used to be. I have so much more desire for her now. I want to be intimate with her and not sit in the dark with my computer. My brain feels healthier, I can think clearer, I have less anxiety (although I do still have some, but thats other issues). There was so much in my life that I wrote off as me being weird, that I never knew it was wrong or broken in the first place. But it seems that each day I am finding something new that porn has taken away from me but that my reboot has given back.
With my reboot I went complete. No orgasms including sex, no exposure to sexual images or material (looking away or avoiding all movies that contained any nudity/sexual content), no fantasizing, no checking out chicks on the street, no touching my penis in any sexual way.
So my secrets to success….THE RIGHT HEADSPACE.
The classic “mistake” that I see on other rebooters is that they miss masturbation or porn. They think that they have to deny themselves this awesome feeling that you get when you masturbate.
Going 90+ days without any sexual release is hard for normal people. For us porn addicts its even harder. During reboot you will be in pain, your balls will hurt, you will get mood swings, depression. You will get massive cravings for porn and masturbation. You are literally trying to change the chemical in your brain. Your brain will try and trick you into looking or doing something you shouldn’t because it is being starved of dopamine. If you in any way think of masturbation or porn as something you miss you will break.
Porn and masturbation destroyed your manhood. Why would you miss the thing that has given you ED, or anxiety, or whatever reason it is why you are here. You need to want to give it up, but more than that you need to not look upon masturbation as a good thing. Don’t fall for your brain telling you to test your penis because you’ve been in flatline for a while. That’s your porn starved brain playing tricks on you! Your penis will be fine. Its not going to break because you haven’t touched it, its going to get better. Every day that goes past that you don’t touch your penis is another day closer to you being better.
So ask yourself this, “How bad do you want it? Do you want it or do you just kinda want it?” Watch this video!!!! It really helped me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=FpwyrhZ7VnQ
Rebooting is hard, but I never questioned it. I never wanted to give up. I felt the urge to watch porn, or masturbate, but I never even thought about giving in because I didn’t just want to give up porn, I needed it. If I didn’t then I would have lost my family and I would go through anything to keep my family. I needed to get off porn as much as I needed to breath and I am successful.
And my quest isn’t over. I am going a lifetime without porn and like an alcoholic I will need to be vigilant.
Hello my name is WhiteWolf and I am a porn addict. I have been off PMO for 91 days now and I have never felt better I would like to tell you all that you can do it. You can change your brain. All you need is the right head-space and you can do anything.
My friends you are not alone in this, and if anyone would like my help, support, or advice I will be here.