I feel like most of my life revolved around sex and porn. I started fapping at a very young age, i don’t know exactly what age but i think at about 7 years old, i didn’t know what i did back then, but i remember it felt good (some sort of orgasm).
When i was age 10 or 11 or so my parents got a subscription to a magazine bundle, which included Donald Duck, which i read then, but also 2 or 3 dirty magazines. Whenever my parents where not around, i was sitting behind the couch looking through the magazines to find the dirty pictures. Every week new magazines came and i was just waiting for that moment to be home alone again.
When i was around the age of 12, i got my own television in my room and the single reason i wanted that, was to watch the dirty shows on TV after 23:00. Every day i was checking the TV guide to check if there would be anything dirty on.
I think at that time also the internet came along, and we had connection to it quite early (i actually didn’t care for it when we got it). At some point i decided to search for pictures of famous female celebrities and soon i found naked pictures, which i wanted to fap to, but i couldn’t, because the computer was in my dads office. But then i printed the pictures, and fapped to them in bed before I’d go to sleep.
I put all the pictures in a dirty magazine i saved, hidden somewhere in my room. Whenever i got bored with a picture, i would search for another on the internet, and printed that. And my dad was confused why the ink of the printer was gone so fast every time.
At the age of 15 or so i got my own computer in my room, and that’s when things got worse, i switched from pictures to videos and fapped at least once a day. My parents could come walking into my room at anytime so i remember i had alot of close calls of them discovering me fapping.
Also at that time i desperately wanted a girlfriend. I had no clue about the effects of porn on my brain, but i thought that when i had a girlfriend, real sex would be much better and i didn’t need porn anymore. Well, i was wrong about that.
At the age of 17 i had my first girlfriend. She wasn’t hot but i just wanted a girlfriend at that time. The first time sex was horrible. I knew before we were gonna do it, so i told myself to not watch porn that day, because i wanted to perform good the first time. A few hours before she came to me i couldn’t resist and PMO’d. I couldn’t get it up when we had sex, it was just terrible.
But as stupid as i was, i thought it was because she wasn’t sexy enough, and i dumped her.
A few months later i got my 2nd girlfriend. She was really attractive to me at that time, unlike my first girlfriend and i really loved her. I had great sex with her and i had no ED problems or anything. I got rid of my porn collection and i thought the porn thing would be over. I couldn’t be more wrong.
I started watching again, more and more hardcore stuff then before. Eventually my girlfriend found out about it and she clearly told me she didn’t like it and told me to stop it. Well i told her i would stop but i didn’t, i just tried to hide it more from her. Even sometimes when i was at her place i would watch porn when she wasn’t around.
At the age of 20 (still had a relationship with her) i realized for the first time that i had an addiction. I tried to quit several times, but never lasted longer than 2 weeks or so. The urges were just to strong.
I actually had a very good relationship with my girlfriend but because of the porn i just wasn’t attracted to her anymore and i just wanted someone else.
The young girlfriend #1
Then something happened i still hate myself for, a 14 year old girl started to show interest in me. At first i thought that was cute, but i didn’t show interest in her. Later i was starting to like her, but it was really bad, because i was almost 7 years older. But eventually i got a relationship with her, my parents didn’t approve of it at first but later on they were okey with it.
But the worst thing is, her character didn’t interest me much, i just wanted to have sex with her. We had sex quite fast after we got a relationship and it was amazing, because i was having sex with a girl that was different then any girl in a porn movie, since she was much younger, she was actually a part of my addiction. I was also still watching porn heavily and more hardcore shit then before and it was really starting to affect my social self. I was scared to meet people and to talk to people, more and more. She never knew about my addiction, but she broke up with me because of how i was because of my addiction: a very selfish, scared piece of shit.
Young girlfriend #2
Well that didn’t change my mind, a month later i got another much too young girlfriend, she was 16, i was 22 at that time. At that time, i thought she was really amazing, the sex was great, and she wanted to watch porn with me. So we watched together and i was thrilled to have a gf who wanted to do that with me. But because of my addiction, i always wanted more and i asked her to do things from the porn movies that i liked. And (because she was actually a bit fucked up in the head) she did everything i told her.
But i just kept wanting more and more. Eventually, she broke up with me, i’m not really sure, but i think it was because i only wanted sex her and wasn’t interested in anything else.
As you can probably tell right now, porn made me objectify girls very badly.
My addiction didn’t stop. My parents divorced and to cope with that shit i just fapped. I was watching more hardcore stuff to the point that i couldn’t find exiting stuff anymore. I had rule for myself that i would never go into the really gross stuff. I did watch some weird stuff though.
Then, some time later, i met a girl, she is now my wife. I was 23, she was 22. She wasn’t as hot as the girls i had before, but she was, let’s say, normal and good for me. She isn’t into porn and she doesn’t forbid me to watch it, but she doesn’t like that i did.
From the age of 21 i had a steady job, i saved alot of money (i always downloaded my porn from usenet) and at the end of the year, i bought a house. This was a very big step in my life. Because my gf didn’t like me watch porn and i had alot of work to be done in my new house, i made the decision to quit porn, forever.
I had quit for about 6 months. My life changed dramatically. I was able to talk to people once again, people close to me said I’ve changed and i felt great and had the energy to work really hard at my job and on my house.
But when things settled, i got hooked to porn again. I got my own computer room in my house, and the first year i lived there by myself, my girlfriend was only here in the weekends. So during the week, i could watch porn anytime a wanted to, without anyone disturbing me. These were my darkest days. I went to work, got home, ate some food and i was fapping to porn from 18:00 till 01:00, woke up at 07:00, capped till 08:00 and go to work. I was also watching porn at work on my phone while on the toilet. It was insane.
From the age of 26 until 28 (July this year) i tried to quit several times, but never longer then a month or so. But now, finally, three months ago, i decided this HAD to stop. Me and my wife married a year ago, and we are thinking about taking children. I can not be addicted and have children. It just had to stop, permanently. So i did. And i stopped for 90 days now. And i am fucking proud of myself and my life has changed dramatically this time.
So let me tell you what happened in those 90 days (no superman shit):
- From sloppy sex to great sex with my wife again.
- Much happier with my life
- My wife is much happier
- I perform much better at work
- I made a new strategic plan for our company (and the boss liked it)
- I really helped a family member in dire need
- Started taking cold showers (they are amazing)
- Started meditating (headspace)
- Started working out more
- Much less trouble talking to unknown people
- Less anxiety all the time
- Can deal with problems much better
- Learned about this awesome nofap community
How i did it
The meditating and the cold showers are really helping me to get though this challenge. And I’ve learned about the 3 brains we have. And i really see the most ancient brain (the lizard brain) as an animal now, that is tamable. That doesn’t apply to porn only, but to all things that you might want NOW and give pleasure, but give no happiness in the long term.
Because me and my wife don’t have sex that much, i did fap a few times during the 90 days, but without fantasizing, and it’s all about quitting the porn to me anyway.
However, the next 90 days i will go hard mode. No fapping whatsoever allowed.
I’m really glad i wrote this. It’s alot of text but just writing helps my recovery.
Some tips for the ppl struggling:
- Meditate, it really helps
- Learn how your brain works, just learn how your body works, it helps
- Write, i never wrote shit, but now i do, it helps
- Read nofap posts everyday, so it sticks in your mind
- Get a nofap buddy for accountability
- Just don’t fap, just don’t do it…
TL;DR: Struggling with PMO for 17 years, dragged 2 girls in my addiction, feel awesome for quitting for 90 days.Glad i wrote.
LINK – 90 days, my story