Week 3
I realize now that it was never about the porn. Nor was it about accomplices in bed. It was about the rush of those precious few seconds of orgasm and the blissful exhaustion right after.
Today is the third week of abstinence from sexual activity, the lot of it. Though thoughts creep into my head various times throughout the day, they are gentler and more sensual in nature; a soft peck here, a light touch there. I am now master of my compulsions yet what bothers is me is that I am now a slave to my emotions more than ever. Masturbation’s self-sufficiency prevented me from feeling so vulnerable.
It’s possible that this is a trough in the wave of recovery. The following weeks will tell for sure.
Next day
There’s a Futurama episode of the same title that starts with Dr. Zoidberg, the resident doctor, behaving out of character. While at the gym, he takes over a heavy set of weights from his friend and proceeds to do bench presses with it. He demands more and more weight until even his friends were piled up on top of the barbell. He powers thought it and snaps the barbell with his claws. In a fit of aggression, he then tears apart the entire gym. It is later revealed that it was mating season for his species. He is to be rushed back to his ancient home world, which will later erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.
Anyway, I had a Zoidberg moment of sorts today. I wish I could pin all the blame on it being “mating season” Sticking out tongue but it wasn’t just aggression that I was experiencing, I was also angry. But regardless of whether my anger was brought about by aggression or the other way around, there is still anger and behind anger is hurt. I am hurt that I have squandered romantic relationships and precluded forming new ones. I am hurt that I denied myself good sex for years. That is time that I will never get back.
Week 4
Hello. I’m starting my 4th week in high spirits. I’m in a much better emotional shape compared to the random spurts of anger and aggression I’ve had the week before. I’ve replaced masturbation marathons with vigourous exercise and lots of time outdoors. Highlight of the week: I went to go see the muppets movie at an outdoor theater. It’s amazing how something so simple can be so uplifting.
It doesn’t even seem like I’m counting days anymore. It’s like being at the cusp of getting over a bad breakup where you don’t look behind at the past and you’re slowly starting to get back into the present and have something to look forward to in the future. I’ll admit that I have the occasional fantasy about a real girl, only I’m not acting out a porn scene with her. I’m not sure how detrimental to the recovery process fantasizing can be but I do entertain them for maybe a minute or two, then let it pass.
Speaking of fantasies, I feel like I can get an erection if I actually think about doing the deed with the girl in my head. I don’t want to tempt fate, at least not at this point.
Some other observations: not a lot of morning wood lately. Not horny either. Lately, I’ve just been watching (in a non-creepy way) and admiring those beautiful creatures called women.
Next day
This girl I’ve been wanting to get with turns out to have a boyfriend. She was even hesitant to tell me. I can feel myself coming to a slow simmer. Interesting to see that this is my default reaction when things don’t go my way. Now I’m wondering if I’ve always been a hothead and that compulsive masturbating helped to keep it in check by making me numb to most emotions. Scary thought. So much for starting my fourth week of abstinence in a good mood.
In any case, this will be a good test of mettle.
Week 5
I was feeling angry again so I chose instead to go home and simmer in my emotions. It’s not as overwhelming as before but I still felt like lashing out at anything and everything. As I dissect my anger further, I find that it is again about foregone sexual opportunities and relationships. The point is that my mind keeps going back to sex.
I have no real urges to masturbate or look at porn. I’m not even counting days anymore. But I guess I still a ways to go before being fixed.
Outlets will not always be available when bad moods strike so what I’m really trying to do is acknowledge the emotion, then let it pass. When I get hungry, and I know that I just had a big meal barely a couple of hours ago, I can rationalize that I don’t have to eat at the moment and that I can wait it out. I have complete control over this and I hope to be able to do the same with sex: that I can’t at moment because I’m rebooting; and with mood swings: they’re imbalances in the brain and that’s all they are.
Week 7
It’s been smooth sailing after the crazy dips and peaks in mood of the second week. I can say I’m generally in good spirits for the most part. Except, lately, I’ve been craving touch and intimacy. The urge for it has never been this strong and it’s actually making me depressed and cranky that I’m not getting any.
Before abstaining, I’ve always thought this to be a sign of weakness. I thought, I could get off by myself, I don’t need anyone. I’m concerned that this neediness would show through my gestures and in social situations and nothing puts people off like that needy person. I myself despise it.
I have had no urges to masturbate lately but I was actually considering it this morning not because I felt like I had to or wanted to get off, but that maybe it would lessen the craving for touch. When I was masturbating all the time, I actually had an aversion to it. But for the time being, I’m going to continue my streak. There’s no danger of me breaking the streak and relapsing in the short term unless I decide to experiment and see if getting off would make me not want to be touched.
Week 10
I broke my abstinence sometime during my 9th week. We fooled around for a bit with lots of touching and kissing. It didn’t take a lot to get me erect, but after not getting any for what seemed like an eternity, I was very sensitive. The sight and sensations of her rubbing herself on me was too much and I had to release before penetration. That was a first. Unfortunately, life interrupted before we could successfully try a second time. After a long two months, I was expecting mind-blowing sex but I’m a bit disappointed after that.
What is interesting though is how I felt afterwards. All I wanted to do was to bask in the afterglow of orgasm and just lie in the sun. I was giggly, blissful, even. I had a nap, woke up and felt a strange case of blue-balls, probably from that last attempt at sex. I thought, what the hell, might as well scratch the itch so I took to the internets and got off to some porn. Strangely, it didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t as intense as I remember it to be.
I was wary of needing a chaser but even after masturbating to porn, I have no overwhelming urge to watch more and masturbate. It’s been a few days after I had orgasmed and I’m still on a kind of high from it. I’m glad I didn’t experience any of the adverse neuro-chemical hangover that some people on here have reported having after orgasm.
This is not to say that I’m back in prime working order, though. Even though I feel good and I have no conscious desire to have sex, the old addict brain is still working behind the curtains. When I see an attractive lady, it’s not uncommon that I will picture myself doing her in some vaguely porn-style manner. I suppose with years of being on the internet and having seen so many body parts, you can easily picture any real-life person naked. It’s just a matter of mentally photoshopping a face to the appropriate body type, which leaves me a little jaded sometimes, even with respect to naked beautiful women.
Week 10 It’s been a most interesting 10 weeks. The first couple were a bitch to go through but if anything, it showed me how dependent I was on masturbation (and porn) as a means of coping. The harsh mood swings were a sure sign of imbalance in the head.
I’m lucky to have coasted by on pure will power so I will say to those still struggling with their habits: it’s possible. Think of why you’re doing this for yourself. I’ve always thought that it’s much harder to just count days into a reboot than it is to have a long-term payoff in sight. I was looking forward to having good sex and that was my motivation. And guys, if that’s not enough to motivate you, I don’t know what is.
Even if you’re single and the prospect of sex with a partner is not on the horizon for you, the changes in personality that come about from freeing your head from porn and masturbation obsessions will no doubt help attract a mate.
ED isn’t a problem anymore. I can even masturbate without the need for porn. I’ve always thought that when I get to this point that I’ll be masturbating furiously and having sex like a crazed addict, but my body’s sexual satiety mechanism is working just fine and is in control, presumably because my brain is back in balance. Much like with food, I can stop eating when I’m not feeling hungry anymore.
I should also add that prior to doing this reboot, I would experience sporadic pain in my left pelvis, like there’s something in there that’s shifting positions. I haven’t felt this pain since then.
I regret all that time that I lost being consumed by my addiction and compulsion. Now that I’m myself again, it’s about time I go out there and get a slice of everything I missed out on.
Week 11
I’ve been on the hunt for a new job all this month. The interviews all require multiple stages, each of them very technical in nature. I have been under much stress preparing for interviews. I have noticed that this week alone, I have edged 4 times. No porn was involved, of course. Now that my sensitivity is back, I didn’t feel the need for porn as a tool.
There’s an article on here that links to an article about an SFU researcher’s addiction experiment. There were popular experiments in the 60’s that involved putting rats in boxes where they could administer drugs to themselves. The conclusion from these experiments was that drugs are irresistibly addictive. This researcher thought that it was actually the rats’ environment that drove them to addiction. He tests his hypothesis by building a rat park – a rat eden, where rats could roam about in a cage two hundred times bigger than a standard lab cage, where food was plentiful, and had at least twenty other mice of both genders with whom to socialize. He found that his subjects ignored addictive substances in such an environment (edit: it’s on wikipedia).
I’ve spent the last few days mostly studying, being isolated and confined like a rat in a Skinner box, masturbation being my drug of choice. No wonder I felt like self-medicating. I don’t recall feeling that urge when I was out on the beach with friends and not having to worry about interviews. Makes complete sense to me. But I have job offers and am starting to narrow them down to the best ones.
If you’re struggling with porn/masturbation, figure out what your stressors are. See what you can do to reduce it and maybe the urges will subside.
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