First of all I’m 30 years old. Roughly 2 years ago I was at my life’s lowest. I reached a point where I couldn’t even have a beer anymore without having a severe panic attack let alone smoke anything containing THC.
Put this song on in the background when reading this for added value. 😉 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8tGCVavS5s
I of course thought the worst, tons of doctors appointments and ER visits later I decide that I’m definately about to go insane and it’s all cause of weed. I quit smoking instantly and start spending all my waking hours reading psychology and diagnosing myself with every personality disorder that exists, changing which one depending on my mood.
Summer came, I didn’t feel human all summer, I spent all of it fighting away compulsive thoughts that I didn’t want in my head, thoughts that frightened me to the core. I ended up reaching a point where I actually started fearing to be around people cause I was afraid I would have a psychosis and just lose my mind completely possibly hurting someone.
I didn’t see it at the time, I really had no idea cause that’s how blind you end up being. not even when I was watching porn in my grandmothers livingroom on my laptop, surrounded by relatives sitting 5 feet away did it occur to me that I had a severe problem.
Believe it or not, it would pass a couple months even at this point before I suddenly during a smoking session that wasn’t a horrible experience for a change; suddenly realized that the reason I felt so good in certain times of my life was cause it was periods that I, due to uncontrollable forces was away from PMO for longer stretches of time.
MOAR READING MUSIC: http://www.radioforest.net/radio/frisky-chill-feelin-frisky/5406 I completed my first reboot, through various ups and downs that won’t be included. Suffice to say the 90 day journey was the most difficult time of my life. Not cause it was so hard to stay away from PMO, which it was.
It’s really facing yourself that is hard.
It was hard cause as my memory started returning. I also started realizing what I have been doing with my time for all these years.
So long story “short” I end up at the 90 day mark, unshakable confidence and massive ego. I walk around with my newfound confidence in complete narcissist mode, I think everything can’t possibly get better.
Everything is awesome and women fall over when I walk past them, everyone wants me. “God I rock, I quit porn and now I have SUPERPOWERS(!!!) and the world is my doorstep. I can do anything! WOW I’m awesome, no one is as strong as me, I quit PMO, haha I wonder if there are people out there who actually still masturbates?! HAHA LOSERS!! Go get laid instead like a real man HAHA! God I’m really awesome, who wants to say hello to my little friend!?” Finally I am enjoying life again, finally it’s my turn to be alive. Finally I’m human! Right?
I hope this hits a nerve with alot of you veterans out there, cause it should.
Thankfully though one day in a not to distant past it hits me just how much of an energy thief I’ve become. I talk and talk and just won’t fucking shut up, all night long babbling about my own problems and what I did this week. Throwing in some questions and some feigned listening at the end to not be rude. “It’s okay thought cause I’m so happy and I love my life so much now!”
Constantly laughing even at stuff I don’t find funny just cause I’m in such a good mood, constantly seeking deep, emotional conversation, whining about the raw deal I got in life (which wasn’t really that bad. Everyone has scars.) I just wear people down into a nub during the course of a night with the force of my energy and personality. And when they start avoiding me later I go: “hah, fuck them they’re insecure. I’m better than them now I bet they watch porn all day, fucking hippies!” I start developing a god complex basically.
It hits me suddenly and out of the blue, it’s like my eyes are just suddenly unveiled. almost tempted to say I achieved enlightenment.
Suddenly it all makes sense!
Basically what I’m trying to communicate here is, the challenge doesn’t end with NoFap. It just fixes a hole in your energy, a drain that keeps you at a state of barely living. NoFap gives you a new sense of confidence and security. You’re fearless. A force to be reckoned with. You can intimidate people with a single look.
It gives you a new identity.
But the mental, and some might say, spiritual problems that made you turn to porn are still there, now simply masked by newfound confidence. You forgot all about the inner child, the scared little boy/girl you’ve carried around inside you for all these years. The little kid with hopes and dreams, talents and desires that he/she was born with. The kid that got picked on, made to feel worthless and meaningless.
There is a real identity inside you that wants you to achieve great things, but your bruised ego is blocking it from doing anything at all except comforting itself with porn and now it’s rebelling. It’s telling you to be a man, stop fucking touching yourself you shitkid.
Then you have the inner child, the one who ran off into the woods with all the talent cause you scared it off. The part of you that makes you feel a knot in your stomach, that feeling of fear that appears randomly sometimes when you’re being challenged or see someone that you don’t like. That’s your inner child crying cause it’s scared, take me away to the porn please so I can feel safe again!
You need to approach this like it’s a scared child that knows you only as someone who has caused it pain in the past. You must regain it’s trust so you can heal together and finally let go of the anger and sadness you have inside you so your creativity can start blossoming. You must make the child forgive you for what you put it through.
If this makes no sense when reading it might mean that I’m a terrible writer or it might mean that this is a subject that you actually need to pay attention to cause it’s important. Lets not kid ourselves if you’re actually having problems quitting with something as trivial as quitting PMO then you issues and you need to work them out.
And now for why it’s crucial to not only stop PMO, but also the continuing sex obsession that I got, and alot of you will get when reaching 90 days. When you start attracting women left and right.
You need to learn that your energy is not something you throw away on something as useless as getting off. The sexual desire is your gift in life, you have a much higher than usual sex drive which means you have much higher than normal energy levels too. Which means that if you stop wasting it.
You can move mountains. You find the thing you love doing, you start singing, painting, start studying to become a dentist with a newfound fire and passion you never felt before. Art flows out of your soul.
Sex seizes to matter. You stop getting involved with toxic women who you wouldn’t even touch with a ten foot pole if it wasn’t for the fact that you’re self destructive and damaged on the inside.
You will notice alot of woman you were attracted to physically no longer interests you cause you get attracted to how they make you feel instead, looks seize to matter.(to a certain degree anyway, I’m still a shallow bastard so don’t worry if you don’t agree yet.)
Sex should be something between to people that share a connection not some quick drug fix. All this energy is the reason why some people become rock stars and why you (and me) are sitting in a PC chair dreaming about being one.
Sexual energy is a desire to act! To pursue, to conquer, to fuck on of a pile of money on top of all that shit you conquered cause you cared more about the conquering than the fucking..
So stop fucking and go conquer! I sure as hell will.
Life sucked then got awesome, started sucking a little again and now it’s on a NORMAL level and I’m using my talents for the first time in 15 years.
Be aware that the journey is long and NoFap is just 1% of the journey and doesn’t fix your core problems, and they are there. Trust me. You just can’t see them yet.
My 90 days gave me confidence and energy to pursue and a thirst for life, but I was still acting like a prick with narcissistic tendencies who spent all energy on objectifying women and fantasizing about sex.
All because I had yet to have inner peace. I hadn’t located and reconnected with my inner child.
Sex is a useless waste of time to spend energy on. You’re still young, it’s NOT too late even if that angry voice in your head tells you it is. You got immense talent and potential, you got a fire in your SOUL that wants to be let out.
That thing you always dreamed about as a kid, that dream that just slowly started disappearing cause it seems ridiculous that someone like “you” would be able to do that. It’s still right there in the heart of that kid inside you. You know that guy that you see sometimes and just think to yourself “poor guy, his life must suck.” Well you know what?
He is probably thinking the same thing about you. 🙂 So go make peace with the good old inner child now and lose the ego, become who you were born to be not this wretch you’ve become.
Alexander the great conquered the whole known world, and there you are…. In your apartment…. Alone…. Fapping….
Hope this helps. Sincerely Aawwadadwadada