Where to begin? This has been a long and crazy journey. This is a long post, stick with it and I’ll tell you a story at the end. I am 30yo male, I guess I started whackin’ around the age of….11? I would say I’ve been whackin it once a day for as long as I can remember.
I don’t know I’ve always been very sexual. You know I’d be listening to Prince and Red Hot Chili Peppers talking about sir psycho sexy.
I’ve had a history of womanizing (using girls & sex for comfort) and obviously a string of relationships that didn’t work out (although I’ve been faithful in several – I’m not a complete asshole)
I started NoFap because…I don’t like anything to have control over me. When I was a kid i decided I would never smoke or even drink coffee because I didn’t want to NEED something. Two years ago I quit booze because I wanted to see what it would be like to live without it and FRANKLY, ever since then I’ve had two addictions – porn OR computer games. I could give up porn but I would go in a video game hole…OR I could quit video games and become a porn monster. Through the power of NoFap, this community, some discipline and hard work I quit both, and now I can quite honestly say that there is not a single thing that controls me – I am free of addictions (although forever wary of them sneaking back up)
WHAT WAS THE PROCESS LIKE? Fucking hard. shit, dogshit hard. What’s it like to wake up from a dream and enter reality. The emotions all came back and I kinda wanted to cry and laugh all at the same time (I still do) I had depression – I had extreme happiness – sometimes within minutes of each other – I realised I wasn’t quite as ‘laid back’ and ‘cool’ as I thought I was! and actually had to work at getting that back. I’m still dealing with this shit actually.
But you know what the one thing I’ve said throughout the whole process is I feel ALIVE. The fog has lifted and I wouldn’t change that for anything despite how hard it has been;
I remember standing in a shop with the worst case of blue balls I’ve ever had.
and I remember even today being so horny I could cry.
HOW HAVE I CHANGED? for fucking years I’ve felt numb, quiet, nothing to add, no jokes to tell, not really bothered about adding to a conversation. I could REMEMBER at one point being funny but that had somehow died in me, I figured it was because I was getting older, I was just becoming more serious NOPE, I was simply just kinda numb, but guess what, I’m back bitches.
I’m not interested in porn, I looked at porn earlier, and my penis was like “dude, I’m horny but this? not interested”
I no longer objectify women on the street, I’m still into them for sure! but something has changed…My brain is like cooling now, it doesn’t see something sexually arousing and get all freaky and start demanding endorphins. Now it knows there’s simply work to be done, you know like conversation.
I NO LONGER CRAVE SEX ALL THE TIME, I CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR ME TO REALISE I CAN GO FOR ALL THIS TIME WITHOUT SEX OR RELEASE. I CAN GET THE FUCK ON WITH MY LIFE!!
I remember standing in a club and a girl came up to me and she CLEARLY wanted to have sex with me (she was drunk and unsubtle) and I remember thinking for the FIRST time in my life “I don’t NEED to have sex with this girl, I’ve gone this long without sex – and just because this girl WANTS to have sex with me doesn’t mean I SHOULD” That might sound weird to some people but for me it was a revelation. It’s happened several times since, I have even met girls where there was a mutual attraction and opportunity and we didn’t have sex, because well I guess that’s not the fucking be all and end all of existence. And that well….fucking is not the be all and end all of existence.
I can tell if a girl is into me or not, the attraction is immediate and obvious, like a new sense, if there’s an attraction it’s like the girl and I are on the exact same level of understanding, awkwardness is gone, not because of a gain in confidence but instead just a kind of…clarity.
SO I think that’s it, this is a terrible piece of writing I apologise. I should probably add in that about 30 days into this, I had sex with two different girls in one weekend. then maybe 30 days from that there was some more stuff but not sex. since then I’ve just been working on this every day.
Some days (especially if I had been out the night before or in the company of a lady) it was INCREDIBLY hard…but you know what the whole thing changed for me, it became less about NOT trying to wank off and more about trying NOT to need to be comforted, you know? becoming comfortable with discomfort as a wise man on here once said.
I think we can all agree that the problem is not just that we want to rub our penises, the problem is that none of us want to face ourselves, we want to run home to our mothers, to our comfortable little world of control – where we decide when we get pleasure and we release endorphins if we want them. well FUCK that – I’m armour plated – I just stare at the void of being out of control, of NOT being able to have sex when I want, not being able to pleasure myself. I take the pain of being alone and I use it as rocket fuel to meet new people, do new things and create stuff.
I suppose the final and weirdest change (and some of you lot call it superpowers) is just the girls, I don’t think it’s that I’m more confident?! I don’t really understand it….the girls are just kind of into me. I’m sorry they are – they know something – they can somehow tell. which leads me to my story;
So now, LITERALLY just now (I have just come back in) – on the eve of my 90th day. I walk into the supermarket next to my house, in through the door and straight up to the sushi section. There’s a girl standing there absolutely stunning. And the sushi looks less than inspiring…so I say “that’s a lot of sad sushi” and she’s like “yeah”
I walk off, over to the salad bar, she appears and neither of us are impressed with the salad – in fact the only thing we’re both interested in is each other, I mean she’s absolutely stunning…she says something like “this is depressing, there’s a sushi place down the road I might go there”
to which, gentlemen, I reply something like “well I’ll meet you there”
I walk, she drives (two blocks) we sit down, we talk until the sushi bar closes – she gives me her number and we’re going to try and meet up over the weekend.
NOW what the fuck is that, is that not like a movie? Would I EVER have done anything like that before? no. not on your life…because I was too shy…possibly? because I didn’t have the motivation…perhaps….because I would have felt like a sleaze and there is NOTHING like talking to girl knowing that you’re not after sex and you don’t need it? I don’t know – I don’t know why it happened – I don’t even know where my brain was when it happened I was totally in my own world before we started talking and I didn’t even MEAN to start talking to her (as crazy as that sounds)
and the best thing, and I swear on my life over dinner she shows me a picture of her at a playboy body painting thing. It didn’t turn me on or anything, body painting doesn’t – but I mean, why did she show me that, how did she know I wasn’t a maniac pervert?! PLUS…I don’t ever recall a period in my life where I met a girl in a damn supermarket convinced her not to buy her food in there and took her for dinner instead….in fact….it sounds like the smoothest thing I ever heard and if I saw it in a movie I’d call bullshit!
WHAT IS GOING ON?
Something has changed in me and I can’t put my finger on it but…it’s fucking great and I have to at least in part attribute it to my efforts with NoFap.
I’m not going to give you any advice, you know how to do this, keep your hands off your shit.
What I can tell you is I feel a million times better.
I CANNOT tell you if it’s helped with my occasional PE because I’m not having regular sex but frankly I don’t care anymore, I wanted to be free of sex, and free of porn and free of lust and right now today that’s what I am. When I meet someone special or even someone I want to have a fling with sex will be like a fucking teeenie tiny part of a much bigger interpersonal experience just as it should be.
Ask me what you like, sorry for the long rambling stupid post, kinda been a long weird day.
Keep at it guys, porn is seriously worthless and frankly dumb.