This has been harder than any break up I have ever had to endure. Basically, I started fapping to porn at age 11. I am 30 years of age currently. I never had trouble getting women but it was the combination of both porn, fantasy, internet dating and multiple sexual partners that were not fulfilling me spiritually, financially, or making a better person as a whole.
I have always been into women. I was a chubby kid growing up. I always had a chip on my shoulder and even though I started bodybuilding when I was 14 and changed my physical being I always still had that I have to prove myself to the world type of thinking. Even though friends, family and women saw a different being, I always cared too much about what others thought of me.
Basically at a very young age I would say 8 or 9 I started experimenting with making out and touching and other sexual acts but didn’t cum until I was 11 on my own. So I was a revved up hyper sexual being. I came from a family who never showed one another affection in their marriage and never said I love you to one another. To which is why I also think I have a hard time looking at women as human beings.
I had sex when I was 16 and had only got crazier with it as age came. I have been with over 300 women and I have never took the time to get to know them unless it was to sleep with them. 75 percent were just hook ups and some long term relationships.
The porn I was watching was shemale porn even tho I didn’t have the desire to sleep with them which a couple I did escalated to where I even started questioning my own gender. If I wanted to be a guy anymore. When I cut porn out 130 days ago and attempted nofap I would still have strong desires. It wasn’t until recently when I really got serious with someone who I explained everything to that totally understood.
I haven’t gone past 3 days of not cumming in 12 years. Now I am on day eight. I have gotten it under control to where I feel so amazing all of the judging and negative thoughts are gone. That started to finally go away on around day 5. I don’t have any urge to want to be a woman either. I think a lot of that has to do with what porn you are watching and of course every time you have an ejaculatory orgasm.
For the first time in a long time I am just starting to get “It”. The mastery of oneself is to be in control. Sure you can be like everyone else and never ever try to fix yourself and be a better person comfortable with who you are and fixing yourself for the betterment of your own existence. Or you can face your demons and never use excuses and point and blame people for how you are and who you are becoming. Going through absolute hell can sometimes be the only way human beings change their ways. Some learn and some just do not.
As I type this on day 8 I literally feel like a completely different person. I almost never want to orgasm again in my life. Every time we cum we are losing nutrients and vital source energy. The reason women and men are attracted to you all of a sudden is no different then when you are inspired by someone of great power. You have an energy that you give off even if you aren’t speaking that people are drawn to. We really are all animals and we operate subconsciously. Most women say and do the exact same shit when they find someone attractive. Bat their eyes, scan the face and body, laugh at shit that isn’t funny and of course say the same shit when you have them in bed and they don’t want you to think they are whores.
Having so much experience with them in that way has not left me feeling like I have accomplished some great feat. However, when you go through personal growth and learn from your wrongs you find yourself learning a thing or two about people in general. We all have urges and we all have desires. We now live in a world where were bought hook line and sinker on products. They are sold to us by using deceit. The deceit would be on our our most basic ways of survival. Appetite and reproduction. Its very easy to give into these things and never question that but it takes courage to say this addiction to orgasm especially if you are a man to say life doesn’t have to be about casual sex.
I have battled with this hardcore and it took a couple of wtf moments to wake me up. The calm, cool and real you benefits will come. Just stay true to yourself and don’t give up on whatever you want out of your own life. You have to fix you first before you can help others.