Wow. So that was pretty intense. After 20 years of on again off again addiction I’ve finally conquered my demons. I will tell my story in brief, then offer tips, and then go out into reality and enjoy whatever time I have left here.
5th grade, I was the new kid. Mercilessly bullied, picked on, alone, and even bullied by one of the teachers. Porn was my go to escape, and I never fully developed the social and coping skills of a normally developed child. College saved me and I grew big time, got laid a ton and was back on a strong path.
Then I graduated. My mom who was also my only real friend passed away. This threw me into a tailspin which led me to dive deeply into porn. I never planned to stay around my hometown after college but her sickness and the addiction trapped me here. Till now. I fought through many relapses, tons of failures and finally put together a streak in which I dealt with ALL my issues. Porn really isn’t the problem for us, I even think we should change this websites name to “social deprivation addiction” we are addicted to hiding and getting away from reality. Porn, video games, Internet, etc
Here’s how I got here
1. NYE last year I knew something was wrong with me but couldn’t figure it out. I made a plan to do one thing each month to try and help me figure things out and hopefully unlock what was wrong with me.
- January: eat my first salad (started off small and also shows you how much of a bitch I was)
- February: fly to California to visit a friend
- March: attempt standup comedy
- April: train as a wilderness therapist
- May: enter into an isolation tank
- June: Record an original piece of music
- July: Go on a month long road trip with no plans
- August: volunteer to work on the Appalachian trail
- Sept: conquer my addiction
None of these were really planned ahead of time. I just did one and then magically another fear rose up. This idea was the greatest thing I’ve ever done, and I grew an insane amount. You can see its a big jump from January (eating a salad) to March (Getting onstage and trying standup!)
What I found was that once you take the first step toward something, each additional step is easier. I had these STUPID fears about eating certain foods: I thought if I ate salad I would turn gay. I know, I’m an idiot. But after that cleared up, it was like 20 other doors opened up. And it’s true, we all have these tiny fears that we don’t think hurt us that much, but it’s those tiny fears that hold us back!
While doing all this I got really angry in August. Like really angry. My sister made a comment about it, and I blacked out for like 2 days and ended up on this forum. No idea how, but I did. I knew I was an addict as soon as I read the first journal.
So I started the journey. It was hell. The biggest thing I realized was that I was going to have to make a lot of changes. I would approach it the same way I did my New Years Resolution. One small step at a time leading to bigger steps.
1. Relapse the first three attempts. Good ol shemale porn got me twice. thinking back now it was that domination that I craved, not the chicks with dicks part. I’d be beaten down and taken advantage of for so much of my childhood, this fetish filled in that feeling perfectly.
2. Deleted all porn, blocked all sites.
3. Began journaling
4. Told people in my life about my addiction. My sister, then my dad, then 2 co-workers, then my ex-gf. Some I simply told I was in rehab, some I told the full story too.
5. Developing social skills. I played guitar, volunteered, reconnected with old friends, went to meetup groups, walked around and talked to people and traveled.
6. Cutting out. I had a lot of negative people in my life, and one valuable lesson I learned is you attract what you are. If you are living a negative life, you attract negative people. If you live a positive life, you attract positive people. I “lost” three former friends, but they were never really friends, they were just shitty people who I hung out with because I was shitty too.
7. Find your passions. Late in the reboot I realized what I really enjoy in life. I love music, nature, reading, teaching and hiking. These are the only things in life I should be focusing on, not porn, Facebook, YouTube clips, candy crush, etc.
8. Eliminating distractions. I don’t have tv, or high speed internet, or candy crush, or a ps3. You might say “I can’t live with out those things!!” Get rid of one thing at a time and you will be surprised at the passions and hobbies you can develop.
9. Stand up for yourself. Toward day 50-60 I gained confidence and began expressing myself. A lot of peoe didn’t like the new me or understand it. FUCK THAT. Be the person you are. For me I always felt this duality. Like I was two people, my addict self and my real self. Once you start to clear your head keep going. Don’t think, just speak your mind and react!
10. I guess around here is where most people begin talking to women, and maybe for the first time in their lives. I’ve been lucky enough to have a lot of sexual experience during the addiction, but for those who are new let me say this: just like this porn reboot, when you fuck up a lot in the beginning? Same thing happens with women. You will say something stupid, act awkward, not do the right thing, etc. but guess what? There’s 4 BILLION women out there. Don’t get oneitis, talk to as many as you can, that’s how you learn. And if you notice, almost all the success stories on here deal with guys who have messed things up with a girl and are now recovering.
10. Find “your root”. The last thing that led to my success was finding were the addiction started. For me it was a 5th grade teacher who accused me of stealing her grade book. This memory haunted me, and I finally decided to confront it. I wrote her a letter, explaining to her how bad I was bullied and what happened to me in middle school. I told her that I’m trying to heal, that I forgive her and that I have a good life right now. I hit send and thought I would never hear from her again.
Four days later my principal calls me in. He said the superintendent was forwarded a letter about me….this cunt (excuse my language for any women or if you are offended, but that’s the only word I could think of for this lady) took my letter, found out where I taught and must have complained to the district!
Here’s where karma and always doing the right thing come into play. This could be something that could get someone fired, and I was nervous going in to see my principal. But wouldn’t you know it, he too had gone through some kind of rehab. He didn’t share, but we talked for a few minutes, he said he was here to help and that was it. RAHBHHHHHH!!! Man yell!! Do the right thing, and even if you think it might cause trouble everything turns out ok in the end.
That was the last layer for me. I was bullied which led to a lifelong battle with porn, which is now in the waining stages. My urges are non-exsistent. I actually laugh now when I think about using porn. There’s so much other stuff I’d rather be working toward or doing then PMO. it actually won’t even process in my mind right now my brain goes “wait, you want to watch porn for 2 hours? Really? Dude no way, we got other shit to do.”
My new “battle” if you want to call it that is I guess to fully rewire. To find an area I want to live in, to build my social circle, to indulge my passions and to find a women I really love.
Thank you for the support of this community, thank you to the creators, thank you Pred, Delightful, and anyone else who helped me or who posted answers to my questions, thank all for being forgiving when I would say something stupid, thank you all for letting me read your journals, and thank you all for having the balls to face this addiction.
Also one other piece of advice, I saw a social worker all year who really helped speed up the process. I suggest trying a few out and seeing who you feel comfortable with.
Also learning to recognize and communicate with “the addiction voice” was key. Being able to distinguish it from normal thoughts really helps the recovery.
Questions and comments welcome.
LINK – Success on day 72. Out of hell and into reality
Post from Journal Starting Life #2 (First goal met, now going for 90!)
August 16, 2013
Or at least that’s what it feels like.
So here’s the long, winding road to porn addiction.
I moved from a blue collar neighborhood to a white collar one when I was 14. The change was hell. I was beat up, teased, bullied, picked on, had no friends and was ridiculously scrawny. Don’t know what I developed here or if I had it before, but I definitely had something in the personality disorder/asspergers spectrum. I was fuckkkkked up. I remember the first time I got addicted: I was in the bathroom upstairs after a shower; no idea how old I was, probably 13-14. I remember just having a magazine and starting to M and boom! I was hooked, it felt amazing.
College saved my life; I lost my virginity, had girlfriends, drank, made friends, had a social life, LOVED to go fishing and play guitar and poker. I was there but I wasn’t. I can remember a lot of good nights, but also a lot of nights of coming home and just knocking one out and then feeling like shit.
When I graduated I lost my mother and grandfather, and again tried to numb myself and not face things. It got progressively worse, and my porn watching got more and more deviant until everything overwhelmed me and I had a nervous breakdown. I pulled through but still had no idea what was wrong with me. When I was 28 I had my first girlfriend in awhile. We started dating and again things felt great, like I was really into her, but they didn’t because I couldn’t deal with emotions. I knew there was something wrong with me but I couldn’t figure it out. It ended and again I knew there was something else behind it but I couldn’t figure it out. With the help of a social worker and shear luck I found this place. When I started to read the journals it was insane. Y’all are just like me.
So here I am. After many, many, relapses, I think I finally have the courage to get through this. My longest streak was 28 days. This journal will hopefully help get me to my goal of 30 days and longer. I’ll start on day 3 as I’ve been going for that long. Thank you for others who share here and everyone who offers positive support.
August 8, 2013
Hi everyone, I’m “P” and I just turned 30.
I’ve struggled off and on again with porn addiction for the past 9 years, and had struggled to kick it. It started off innocently enough with basic porn, but then spiraled out of control and ended up with hardcore fetishes like shemale porn and domination. I never really knew what was “wrong” with me, and always tried different ways to fight the urges.
This site and the people who are on it have changed my mindset completely. It was great to find a site in which people were so open and caring, so much so that there are “trigger” alerts in certain posts. And it was healing to kind of hear people from the gay and lesbian community talk about the differences in sexual orientation and debunk some of the stuff I was worried about in my brain.
For me what I realized was that I was just a spoiled, scared, low self esteemed guy from the suburbs who never had the guts or know how to really live his own life or explore himself. To hide from that pain I turned to alcohol and porn.
Even when I had relationships with women, the only girls I could date were “wounded animal” types; women who had problems bigger if not the same as me. We would spend time trying to fix one another or just having a ton of sex, and never really worked toward a relationship.
This summer I traveled across the U.S. for a month, took a wilderness course, planned a career change and started to build my confidence back up by reconnecting with positive people in my life. I feel different for the first time in years, it’s almost like I’m doing all the things I should have done in my 20’s now.
I recognized that the shemale urges come when I am lonely, feeling down, when it’s really rainy outside, etc. The porn was my emotional crutch to numb what I was going through. Now instead I call people, play my guitar, watch a funny video or read an inspiring story on here.
I guess I just want to thank y’all for having this community and making me feel more comfortable with what I am going through.
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