Time sure flies when I’m actually living life rather than trying to fast forward through the pitiful parts with PMO. I started a bit before July 4 as a sort of celebration of my independence from my addictions. I had been single for a year with the excuse that “I’m working on myself,” but really, I was just jerking myself. Why try when I can just get high off of an endless supply of novel images?
I’m tired of wasting hours of my life a week (or a day sometimes) merely growing older without getting better at anything. Still in my early 30s, ever increasing gray hairs remind me of my limited time on Earth to accomplish something more useful than trick my brain into thinking it is perpetuating and advancing the species. I’d grown so accustomed to the consistency and predictability of PMO that I didn’t think it was even remotely worth it to risk rejection and heartache talking to real people. So I quit.
I was surprised how easy it was once I had made up my mind. I read horror stories from PMO addicts for the first 4 days to cement my conviction. For the first 2 weeks, I felt my emotions a little more vividly. I even sort of cried once for no reason, and despite the sad tone of the feeling, I was very happy to be in touch with my inner experience.
Combined with cold showers, the instant cessation of a habit that has hounded me for half of my life gave me a lot of confidence in my ability to discipline myself. I began to procrastinate less. I reduced my drinking and weed use from once or twice a week to once or twice a month. I no longer felt so guilty about wasting my life, a guilt which once perpetuated the vicious cycle of addictive behaviors. With so much free time, I worked more, earning a lot of money. (Porn really is NSFW!)
About a month into the nofap streak, I made the decision to delete all my porn. I also allowed myself to edge, but only to ease morning wood and with absolutely no fantasizing. I did so without the urge or urgency to orgasm. It felt pleasantly clean, like a nice massage, and ended calmly without compulsiveness.
I didn’t work out in the 90 days, but I’m starting to do pushups again now. Working out and rebuilding my body will hopefully be the final push for me to approach strangers, especially women, with confidence and sociability.
Overall, I felt like the reset did exactly that: it reset me to the way I was when I was 13, before I discovered porn. I was super curious and disciplined, and the thought never occurred to me that learning something new might be hard. I would be oversimplifying if I blamed my increasing sense of overwhelm and laziness through the years wholly on PMO, but with its ability to short circuit my reward center, it was definitely a major factor. Although pornographic flashbacks still tempt me occasionally, I let them pass and don’t indulge, and my saying no makes me feel stronger every time.
LINK – 90 day report: sunny with chance of balls
by suburbalist
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