Age 31 – ED, disgusting monkey hidden in a dark room

Day 22

Why did it take me so long to find this place?! So here’s my story, 31 years old, moderately successful in my career, fairly attractive, healthy, do endurance stuff, cycling, running, triathlons all the time but I’ve had a piece missing for quite a while and I couldn’t figure out what it was. YBOP hit me like a ton of bricks about a month ago.

Upon arriving at the dorms that first year at college, I discovered that they had high speed internet all day every day and I quickly discovered the faptastic portions of the internet. Static images and non-nude stuff was plenty back then. Wasn’t long after that that I began experiencing some occasional ED issues, which I waved off because of drinking.

My intimate relationship with my computer desk escalated from there, I never went real extreme, but very quickly static images no longer fit the bill and I went from softer video to full blown (pun intended) hardcore video aggregators. By 22, exercise slowed to a full halt, I started putting on weight, picking up smoking seemed like a good idea. My longtime GF broke up with me, which was at least partly caused by mainly my embarrassment and frustration with escalating ED, which in turn made me less and less emotionally reachable and irritable. I again rationalized it with being out of shape, smoking, drinking, etc.

Following the break up, I spiraled PMO multiple times a day. In the next few years, I had a few relationships, but I found myself avoiding girls I was attracted to because I knew I would have performance issues. I ended up dating girls I was not very attracted to, tended to avoid intimacy, and really did not treat these girls with the respect and care they deserved. At about 26, after a fairly significant health issue, I did an about face and decided to drop that weight, get into the gym, start running, eat better and be healthier. As a result my PMO dropped off slightly because I had less time on my hands, but I was still right there at the computer desk at least once every other day or few days. I even briefly saw some ED improvements, but even when I was getting back to where I wanted to be body-wise I was still having issues and I began to think I was having more of an organic issue with my equipment downstairs. I talked to my doctor after some serious talking myself up and swallowing my pride. I tried Viagra and it only helped a little bit and usually only after I’d slowed my brain down and gotten close to falling asleep, then I’d be ready to rock, as it were. Only really decent SO sex I had was with the morning wood and even that had begun to deteriorate and be pretty infrequent. It was great when it worked, but 19 times out of 20, not a whole lot happened down there. I’d get some arousal, but I’d have to usually hold on down there to penetrate. Oral was a waste of time. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me and it was tearing me up inside and last year I felt myself becoming more and more depressed about it. I’d have an occasional girl throw herself at me and I’d actively avoid it because I knew I’d be disappointing in bed. I was a mess.

Finally, January 1 rolled around. I woke up hung over and absolutely devastated to be laying in my bed on new years day without a SO. I teetered between just giving up, live my life asexually and moments of intense emotion and desire to figure out what the fuck my issue was. I’ve been a redditor for a few years, so as I was doing some soul searching, I obviously would ping into check my subs. I fell upon you lot completely by accident. I was intrigued. I went to YBOP and devoured it and after hours of intently reading, this huge realization fell over me. Could I really have done this to my own brain?. I didn’t really believe it at first, never believe anything you read on the internet, I said to myself. I decided, what the hell, I’ll go a week. I started January 2, almost immediately I started feeling better, call it placebo, call it what you will, but I almost immediately felt better. I went the week and something started happening, my old confidence came back, I started taking the bull by the horns at work, I was motivated, I started cleaning and organizing my house, exercising increased and my mood went up every day. Urges were difficult, but after a week, I had the balls (literally) to delete my stash, unsubscribe gonewild, nsfw, etc, wiped all the bookmarks, tossed the cached sites, I threw out the DVDs and mags that I had stashed, I cleaned house literally and digitally.

This shit is on, I told myself. I’ve fucked up a decade of my life with this shit, my 30s are going to be a whole new world. I’m a cyclist, when downstairs reared it’s ugly head I turned to my favorite cycling hero, Jens Voigt’s saying “Shut up, Legs” except it was “Shut up, Brain”, alternately “Shut up, dick”, both in a German accent. (Jens Voigt, when asked what he does when he’s tired and his legs are burning in the Tour de France will simply just say “Shut up, legs” and then go about being a general badass all over the road.)

I’m over 3 weeks in now and I’ve had ups and downs, I think I’m entering the dead dick phase at the moment, but each day is better in my brain and every day I feel like I’m getting my mojo back.

SO! I’m done lurking here, this is a magnificent group and we’re in this together. I will from now on become more active here and I’m doing this shit for me, no one else. This may not be for everyone, everyone’s problem is different, but if you’re here, you’ve started to notice some sexual issues, be them what they may. I firmly believe this is my issue, every day I believe more in my heart that this…this place is what will make me whole again, and it’s you lot, you’re glorious bastards, who are going through the same things, that will get me there. I will try to support you guys where I can here and I know form my 3 weeks of lurking that you will do the same for me.

My name is OtherSideoftheLeaf and I’m a porn addict… it’s time to get the FUCK over it.

Day 60

DAY 60!!! Wow, that little gold star looks glorious. Couple observations so far.

I went into Beast Mode after the 1st week, intense drive, motivation, and determination to make myself a better man. Inspired me to man the fuck up, started waking up at 5am, workout more than i already did, started doing keto, clean the shit out of my house, took the bull by the balls at work, generally go about my life completely differently. I’m not saying this was caused by NoFap, but it was definitely a part of it, call it placebo, call it what you want, but i’ve been tearing shit up (and swearing more apparently)

I feel like i’m not quite a fired up as i was in the first few weeks, but i’m still doing all of the life changes i set out to do and i feel great about all of them. Some weeks are up, some are down. I feel the urges and temptation to fap has only recently calmed down to a less torturous level, but everytime the man downstairs rears it’s ugly head…literally… i look back at the long streak i’ve run so far and know if i persevere only good things are ahead. It always gets better. After every day i feel more complete.

The other huge thing i’ve noticed are FEELINGS…like actual EMOTION. I feel like the man i was 2 months ago was a robot, devoid of all human feelings just kind of drifting through life. I fucking cried a few weeks ago, I hadn’t cried in at least a decade. I get insanely happy at times too. like genuine happiness. It’s amazing. I enjoy things more, being outside, taking the dog for a walk, water, snow, everything.

Again, i think my motivation to change my life in ALL areas in combination with Nofap have really made me a better person.

Distracting yourself is key. There’s always something that needs to be done, water the plants, walk the dog, organize audio cables. My basement has never been more organized.

Day 100

100 days! That’s 2400hrs! That’s 144,000MINS!

This was my goal and I have reached it. I will think of a way to reward myself, but this journey has provided its own rewards. NoFap was an integral part of what I called my “New Year, New Me” initiative. I used the 7day NoFap kick to motivate me to hit the gym, change my diet, cut out other unhealthy habits and begin the building of a new me. I’m down nearly 40lbs, I’m more active, I feel better, I sleep better, I am better.

I am a new man, I’m not saying it was NoFap that is responsible for all of it, as I made many changes. But I think NoFap had a lot to do with it. I’m more confident, I walk with more of a swagger, I speak with authority, I’m confident, motivated, and interesting. I think of the man I was 100 days ago and I see a shell of a person, spending hours at a time hidden away in a darkened room. I picture myself looking like a ratty, dirty monkey, hunched over and flailing on myself for my own short dopamine boost. There are real women, beautiful women out there. I was missing the fuck out. Fuck that, that’s not me, that’s someone else. That’s history.

For reference, here’s my first post to NoFap. Here’s my 60 day check in. I took 100 days to better myself. I’d just gotten out of a shitty relationship and had decided to not date, not have casual sex, and do nothing but concentrating on making myself a new, better person. That time is done. Feels good, man. Coincidentally, I met a new girl and went on a date with her last week. Things went incredibly well. So it’s worked out that as soon as my allotted time comes to an end, I meet an amazing girl. Beautiful, smart, successful, someone I wouldn’t have had the balls to talk to before.

I’ve not yet tested the ED issues I experienced before, but I’m pretty confident in that regard. My morning wood has come back full force and I frequently have some spontaneous surprises. There are still libido ups and downs, but they’re mostly ups (if you know what I mean).

So, 100 days down. I’m going to get myself a steak and a bottle of scotch as a reward, but my reward will not be returning to my old ways. That part of my life is over, I wasted enough of it on that. I’ll be sticking to the NoFap lifestyle. I’ll check in from time to time. I like the man I’ve become, I’m going to make sure he sticks around.

So if you’re considering taking the challenge, I say DO IT. Don’t think of it as some magical lifehack that will make you into a god, but make it part of a plan to make yourself the person you’ve always wanted to be. Do it for yourself, make yourself a better man or woman. Don’t be that disgusting monkey hidden in a dark room, hunched over, ashamed. BE that person you know you can be. Take up that sword and charge into life, motherfuckers, it’s a wonderful place out there.

[Answers to another guy] I had a number of weeks where everything was just grey and unexciting, then suddenly I came out of it. I’m so much more confident now. I’d say not quite the God mode I had the first week, but a more centered, controlled, and capable confidence. I was bouncing off the walls my first week. Now I’m just comfortable in my skin and it shows.

I think for now i’m going to stick to NoFap, but that’s not to say i won’t change my mind. Right now, i have no desire to fap, i still connect it with the “old me” and i hate that person. My new goal is to find THE girl, which may have already happened, and make that my sexual outlet. For sure though, i’m done with porn forever.

LINK – 100 days to a new me. My new life begins…

by OtherSideoftheLeaf