I loved soccer in middle school. LOVED it. I played goalie and really enjoyed it. I also tried to play striker (main scorer) but was awful but loved it anyway.
Porn came into my life and ruined my life. I quit soccer and all I wanted to do was get my hands on booze and porn. But I was always yearning to play. I always had dreams of both being a star goalie and also of being a star goal scorer.
Cue to my 30th birthday. I hit the gym for a year straight, started joining and playing in pickup games. I SUCKED at first. But I practiced, I watched training videos and I started to score a few goals. I remember my first one, a nice chip I floated over the other teams goalie. It was so beautiful the other team actually complimented me on it. It felt great both to score and to be recognized.
This led to me joining a bunch of teams, all that were pretty bad. But I played more and began to get better.
Then this year it all came together. I was the leading goal scorer on our summer outdoor team, I scored twice in one game, I had a last minute game winner, I had a game tying goal, and I was called mini-Ronaldo! These are memories I will carry with me the rest of my life. I can smell the grass, feel the accomplishment and taste the victory still.
Then, finally I had a chance to play in a championship. It was 5 v 5 indoor soccer. We played the #3 seed in game one and I dominated both in the first half playing Center back and then as the goalie afterwards and only allowed one goal.
Which setup the championship game, against the #1 seed who were undefeated! I was to play goal the whole game….and I was ready.
I started off incredible, nothing got by me and we went up 4-0. But then they figured out my weaknesses and started to exploit them and we tied. Then I adjusted and it was a BATTLE for goals. We ended up going up 7-6 with about 5 minutes left. I knew it was my time to shine. I buckled down, focused, was calm cool and collected and shut the door on the game. When the final whistle blew I Iet out a massive fist bump and yell that blew the roof off….I think people were actually scared at how loud I was. I think I was so loud because the little boy who always wanted to be a soccer champion was finally allowed out, he was finally allowed to breathe, to be himself and to savor victory.
I am so proud, so joyous and so filled with a sense of accomplishment. If I was still a porn addict I would have never had the disipline, desire, drive, determination and focus to achieve this dream. It is a massive sense of relief to put this dream to bed and I look forward to more goals and accomplishments in the future.
LINK – Achieved a childhood dream
INITIAL POST – I am, scratch that, was an ill porn addict
Long story short I had to create a new user name because of password issues and I have no idea what email I used to sign up for “Iamahumanbeing”. I think I was so embarrassed by starting a journal about shemale and pornography abuse I created some random email and then just totally forgot about it.
Ok….so I had a crazy realization this week…..so much learned.
I finally accepted a few emotions I’ve been struggling with.
Lonliness…..it’s so lonely sometimes. But that’s ok….everyone is lonely. Everyone is lonely. All the time. Everyone wants a hug, everyone wants love and everyone wants to be validated. So I accepted this human condition. And it really bonded me with people. Monday I hung out with some friends and played a board game and then went to the movies. My friend snuck me in a tall boy of PBR and it felt ecstatic. He thought about me and did something for me unexpected!! That made my whole week. Tuesday I had a friend over to watch soccer and it was great. I never realized why people came over other peoples houses, like what’s the draw of certain people over other people? Well it’s def a case of a few things. number one is a welcoming environment. If you have a lot of pictures and nice lighting and comfortable couches people will want to be with you. Also food choices, beer, water, snacks, etc…all these things people really appreciate it. I always thought you needed to have like all sorts of crazy amazing things to do or share, but really it’s just simple stuff like that that makes it worthwhile. I made homemade popcorn and I always use to be paranoid about people liking me or my stuff, but nowadays I’m pretty confident in my cooking abilities and it was wonderful and great to share something I’m good at and also have someone feel good about something I gave them.
Wed. night I was lonely because a lot of my friends were out of town. Instead of watching porn or doing drugs or something stupid, I texted a buddy who I knew was in town and we hung out and bonded. Had a great night chillin, watching t.v. and soccer and just bullshitting. Just really letting it fly and shooting the shit. It was again, ecstatic.
Family was great on Thursday… my cousins are good and we just shot the shit, made jokes, got some laughts and caught up. I also was really good about sitting in space and accepting silence….there doesn’t always have to be communication. I don’t always have to be the center of attention. Just being around those people makes me feel safe and sound.
Then I went to my biological families party……………….dear lord…..o my god……..so sad. It was just a room full of people waiting to die. They were so negative, so down, so judgemental, so full of hot air and sadness….my cousin is having a baby, and it should be a joyous time….but you can tell it was just off…like it was a really weird vibe.
My sister and dad had a huge fight…..my dad was suppose to bring her home at night, she was staying at his house. She ran back into my aunts house crying right after she left…apparently her and dad had a fight in the car because my dad’s new girlfriend was going to be over the next day. My sister doesn’t like this women, and doesn’t want to hang with her. Dad wants to be with this women, even though she isn’t good for him, is a gold digger and is not very attractive. So what does dad do? He says too bad, deal with it, you have to meet her and she is staying over…..so my dad, on a holiday, puts his new girlfriend over the comfort of his own blood daughter….unreal. Instead of dropping my dad with a left cross, I just hugged my sister, ,bought her ice cream and talked to my dad like a man………it’s so sad. He has no emotions except co-dependency, stubbornness, wussiness, sadness, neediness, depression,, etc. I looked in his eyes and he’s lost….he has no one to talk to and even when people push him away he still has his mom to fall back to and talk to and she enables him….when she dies he will be completely alone, and I don’t know if I want to deal with the burden of being his crutch. Part of me wishes he was dead…..that really kills me to say that, but it’s true…it’s such a weight and I know that’s not what I really want, it’s just that I don’t have the mental strength to deal with it and also manage my life, and I just have to vent and keep building my mental resolve.
I think one of the biggest divisions I made this week and a huge strength gain was differentiating the emotions of money vs. emotions. Making money can be a trap, and it’s one I fell into because of my father and the beliefs he instilled upon me. Money is everything, money is life, work till you die, money is not to be spent on others, only yourself. My dad was Mr. Scrooge from A Christmas Carol. When I talk or hang with him, I’m not strong enough to quell those emotions. I’m getting better, but the separation is still hard to instill.
Which leads me to my relapses this week…. I knew all this stuff was going to happen….I didn’t know what was going to happen but I knew this week would be emotional. So instead of rolling with it, I tried to numb myself with tranny porn on Monday……………………….it sucked. I guess the only plus was that I was attracted to the lips and tits of the shemales, and everything else really gross, like really freakin gross and I ended up cumming to the pics of something else. I’m pissed I did it but I knew the reason and I will learn and move on.
The nice thing was after all of the holiday shit went by…..I started to turn my attraction over. I went out to a bar Friday and met some cool chicks, and kept things light. And this one girl I met was super sexy and was eating food sexy like and dropping hints…..and I was all over it.. It built up and it was great. I missed out because their uber came while I was inside. I was really pissed and a part of me knew it was my self-sabatoge coming up…I could have easily held my piss in and went in this cab and gone to the east village and tore it up….but instead I went back in the bar, came out and was alone, ,lol. Learning moment!!! I was depressed and upset, but I gained confidence and also learned to roll with things and keep it in flow state.
Crazy thing was I dreamed about her that same night. In the dream she was giving me a fantastic blowjob, and took a huggggge load to the face. It was wonderful, lol.
Next night I had another dream about a beautiful mixed race women. She wanted me to fuck her as hard as possible in her ass. I was in a dangerous area and felt off. I ignored my intuition that told me to run away. Instead I pulled out my dick, pushed her against the wall and fucked her in the ass raw and hard. It was dopamine incredible, what a rush. But then mid fuck a man in a ski mask comes out behind me and execution style shoots me in the head and I slump over dead……
I think it is a warning about sex and money….that those are both big things, but not the end all be all….Relationships and human connection are the most important thing in the world…………everything else doesn’t really matter.
I’m trusting myself now in this next stage of my life…there’s time’s when my body and mind tell me to do something and I might feel uncomfortable or anxious or weird or iffy…..but….I know I am changing, I know a lot of stuff is new for me and also I know that I’m weak in some areas and have to improve on those things.
Right now I’m watching some motivational speakers and dating coaches and cringing because I know they are right, I know they are pointing out mistake I make. I know they are right, but I don’t want to admit it….I just want to keep doing the same thing I’m doing and hope women change to me…….yeah good luck.
I’m gonna keep the change going, gonna keep the emotions rolling and keep it fresh and clean…….ok now I’m just mumbling and full of hot air. Need a nice night of relaxing and recovering from a draining week.