7/17/2012 OK, my history briefly. 33 years, healthy, good career, handsome, fit, talkative and friendly. Despite, no sex for over two years now. Why you ask? Simple, FEAR. I’ve had ED and turned down every single sexual proposal I’ve got for the last two years. Because I knew my soldier didn’t cooperate.
I’ve blamed, alcohol, weight gain, weight loss, stress, you name it. It wasn’t until i stumbled on a post on Swedish forum touching this I realised what the problem was. Jesus, I recognized these guys stories. What a relief!
I’ve not been a hardcore POM guy. Maybe 50% of times I’ve used P to get me started. I’ve also not been the guy who POM three times a day, seven days a week. Basically I’ve had a pattern, 3 times every Sunday and some “quickies” during the weeks.
I’m going to use this blog as some kind of diary. The aim is distraction, therapy and perhaps inspiration fore some other guy?
I’ve never imagined that the withdrawal could have these effects. Day three I experienced flue like symptoms and felt on edge. At the same I where horny as hell and wanted just to MO. I’ve managed to stay clear due to the fact that i where driving across Sweden that day. 🙂
I’ve also been experienced sweaty palms. Not that pleasant I might ad. Oh, here is an embarrassing fact. The seaman leakage for me where ridiculous on day 4. Felt like a cow that not been milked…. the shame!
Around 1400 hours I got horny as hell. Really strange, guess my libido sparked for a moment. The sensation stayed on until four o’clock when I took a nap after leaving the office. Otherwise I’m in some kind of grey zone, or rather constantly switching mood between moderately happy and moderately depressed. Turns by the hour….
I’m noticing that all “symptoms” seems to come out when I’m tired. Still no problem battling the urges. Nice! When I woke up after the nap I had major wood. Only the second time I had it since I’ve started this thing. Keep em coming!
Still no libido, still no cravings, still no wet dreams, still no morning wood and still no change. I guess they don’t call it flatline for nothing…
Had the strangest experience today. Sometime around 10 AM my libido kicked in high gear. Literary! I guess that the fact that I was hungry as hell helped to enhance the feeling.
When I drove the 10 minutes to my favorite sushi dealer I where a raging mad man. I wanted to sleep with every single woman I saw and couldn’t concentrate while driving. Even drove past my exit, twice! Kinda funny afterwards, but at the time really thought I where loosing it.
I really hope that this is a passing thing.
Nothing new today on the PMO front. My libido seems still to disperse these strange jolts a couple of times a day. Strange. I also slept awfully last night, woke up with erections at least 4 times. Otherwise I’ve been in a pretty good mood. At least that’s positive.
I actually don’t think that the refraining thing are issue for me or even a challenge. What’s challenging for me is the whole awareness thing without PMO. I am more self aware, active, or present even, and I have been doing a great deal amount of “soul searching” or rather self contemplation. In the absence of the “PMO-cloud”, it can be somewhat condescending to look at yourself in the mirror and look at yourself for what you truly are. You have to deal with yourself eventually. Still figuring this out though, one step at a time…
Still no actual libido
Still flatlining although my libido seems to present, but yet not active. Kinda hard to explain. It’s not theese jolts or surges that I’ve mentioned before. More like it’s been turned on but only running at maybe 5 -10%. Great sign I guess!
Mood has been good lately. But I don’t feel any mense energy. Iv’e been lazy and don’t get much done around the flat. That’s a problem for me. I’m not even restless any longer. I’ve always been a person that can’t sit still….
I’ve been in a good place today. Cheerful as a child and nothing has been able to get down. Nice feeling! I’m pretty sure my current state of mood are connected to the fact that my libido are returning (I feel a whole more male again).
Just realized that I haven’t had a wet dream in a while, just noticing and not worrying.
Relapsed! Funny thing is that I’m not that ashamed or angry about it. I fucked up, no doubt about, it will probably delay my recovery. But It’s ok, I will learn from this experience. I’ve moved on…
I won’t reset my counting and start from 0. I feel that I don’t have cravings at the moment and since resetting to 0 would in my mind be a punishment and that could trigger a binge if my mood goes too a bad place. I’m aware that my relapse will set me back in my recovery, but I’t wont stop my recovery. Only my actions can stop my recovery and I’m in charge of my actions!
Let’s power through next week!
Ok, a pattern emerging here. Relapse again and this time I binged. No remorse, no anger. But a whole lot of wrath!
Will not post anymore than that today, will do some thinking about it and post later this week.
I’m past 90 days. Which where my original goal. I’ve had three relapses during this period. One major where I binges. That was two weeks ago.
I actually believe that you need to relapse. The experience and the opportunity to figure out why you relapse are vital if you’re going to succeed long term. I’ve learned a lot from the relapses. I’ve learnt a lot from my relapses. Especially the last one.
So am I cured? No, or actually I don’t now since I haven’t had sex yet. Marnie keeps busting my balls to find some one to at least cuddle with. And shes right, but I’ve been making excuses. Someone please bitch slap me, I deserve it!
So I’m not cured. But I am ecstatic, I see women, myself and the world in a different way. My erections are back and they are back big time. Even to the point that Mr Johnsson keeps popping up out of nowhere in ordinary day situation. Awesome!!
The erections are between 90 – 98% strength and lasts. It’s great!
Basically I’m saying that I’m convinced that this has been a life changer for me and the only thing is that I’m regretting is that I’ve lost a lot of years in the PMO-fog.
So I will keep this nofap/no pm(o) thing going.
I feel great!!
Wow! 100 days, not counting my three relapses that is. 🙂
Huge desire to pmo yesterday. I did watch P yesterday. I did M yesterday. But only for a brief period. I got mad at my self and stopped. Actually really proud of my self today that I had the will power to stop. Because yesterday where bad, really bad. I don’t think I ever had such strong cravings and desire during these 100 days. Did have the worst case of blue balls ever afterwards….
Weekends can be a problem for me. Yesterday where a good example. All of my friends where out of town and I where left alone. Since the rain where pouring down also, hitting town where never really an option. So I got stuck alone in my flat… bad idea…. but I managed to stay strong somehow.
Day 195 – successful sex
I haven’t posted in almost three months. I haven’t felt the need or felt that I had any particular information to share.
I also had a huge relapse just before I stooped posting. I remember feeling somewhat blue and indifferent to the relapse.
So how am I doing? Except that I’ve “broke up” with my best friend (Due to lies, manipulation and self destructing behavior that affected all my friends), I’m doing pretty good. Libido is present for sure, except when I’ve had a wet dream during the night. I’m noticing a distinct lack of sex drive the first days after my wet dreams. I also notice that my my nocturnal emissions comes in pairs, I always have a second wet dream the upcoming night after my first emission.
I’ve had successful sex. Both pissed and almost sober on a couple of different occasions.
I’ve been working on my self esteem, which also probably have been a major cause for me.
I’m dating (Hell yeah!!) a girl that I’m really interested in. Feels great, although since she is “a good girl” , meaning educated, smart and classy, I’m having somewhat difficulties putting a leash on me and not go on about it as I usually do. In other words, I’m wining and dining this girl, rather than just “taking” this girl as i usually do. Fingers crossed…
So summarizing this experience so far:
* The first three months and especially the first 30-60 days where hellish
* I do believe this is the way to go about it
*Relapses are OK, you just have accept and acknowledge them for what they are (Superman only exist in comics)
*I’ve got morning wood almost every morning
*I believe my problems are/where both pmo and lack of self esteem
*No I’m not cured, although I’m in my best shape since my teens
*I feel more alive
[Finally went forward with] the girl. Her only comment where: “Finally! Jesus you’re slow.” (Although she admitted she slow played me on purpose since she wanted to test me.)