I’m in my early 30s and just recently decided to classify myself as a porn addict. I was introduced to porn early in high school, finding stuff at home and what friends would share. It seemed pretty normal at the time.
At the end of high school and my time in the military I had little porn use. I had no problem getting girls. I had confidence, good looks and the “mojo” to attract what I wanted to attract. It wasn’t until I went to college and had a internet connection that PMO became daily use.
After a time I knew I had a problem but never thought it would be a big deal. I had the mindset that when I get a girlfriend this behavior would stop. When I did try to socialize I suddenly had social anxiety that would prevent me from interacting with girls even though attractive girls would initiate the approach. This would frustrate me because I had no idea what was wrong with me.
There would be unintentional time periods of abstinence due to being busy and I would feel more alive, more social but I didn’t get the connection why. This went on and off for several years, until last summer I entered a relationship that I thought would be the end of my PMO behavior. This endeavor only lasted six months. The first couple months were great. I wasn’t watching porn or masturbating until after having sex for a while.
I would find myself going back to PMO when we weren’t together or nights when we were not having sex. I didn’t think this would harm our sexual intimacy or relationship at the time. But it did. I began to lose interest in her sexually even though physically she is my type… it was like the buzz of excitement wore off. When we did have sex it wasn’t automatic like before. It was her playfulness and desire that got me hard but it wasn’t at the same intimacy level. It felt forced and not natural. At the end she gave up on me and I was okay with it. I was not really happy or sad. I just had a empty “whatever” type attitude…. Feeling this way scared the shit out me!
On Christmas Eve I found this material and began my journey of quitting PMO. Since then I relapsed four times. The first three times were 5 days apart. It was around to 30 days the 4th time around. Even though I’m at day 7 again a lot has changed. From using the resources/tools of this site and YBOP I have improved myself for the better. I am in better shape, more social and my thoughts are clearer. I have been attracting beautiful women younger and older.
I recently went on a date with a 24 year old. She was curious what my age was… she was afraid that her guess would offend me because she thought her guess was too high. When I told her I was in my early 30s she was floored! She thought I was 27 at the most LOL. This really boosted my ego. I am beginning to feel the passion and the drive I had before college.
Following in the footsteps of a previous blogger I’ve signed up for Salsa dancing classes! I am very excited and feel very positive about this decision. I am very grateful for finding this site and very thankful for Marnia and Gary for providing such a great medium for people to find their way.
For all those fighting this addiction there is light at the end of the tunnel. I feel that I am almost there. I can feel it! Just imagine yourself as a runaway locomotive busting through the relapses and withdrawals to get to that light. Like that movie Unstoppable… It’s been working for me!
by wanderer
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