Hello everyone – please may I share my story with you.
I first used pornography around the age of 13-14. Actually I found the Rape scene in “The Evil Dead.” quite erotic! I continued to use pornography for over 20 years.
At first I would buy video (VHS) cassettes and occasional magazines. When the internet came along I found I spent less money on pornography, and in a way became even less attached to the suffering of those in porn as I was not even handing over money. One shift I found when moving to internet porn was at first the increased frustration. Frustration of slow internet speeds, Of low quality, resolution videos and of short clips.
My Sexuality adapted to this type of pornography, I found I needed to very violent with my genitals in order to ejaculate. More and more the “psychological porn” such as “slap happy” or “kink” ,”Meatholes” became the normal porn to use for me.
One thing I began to notice more and more was how un-sexy porn really was. I was inspired to learn about feminism and found particularity enjoying “radical feminism.” I found the talks of Andrea Dworkin to hold a similar emotional charge to the abusive porn. But instead of wanting to enslave me, kneeling in front of a screen with my pants round my ankles. Her talks such “Silent means dissidence” asked me to “wake up” take ownership of any urge to cum!
The times I found I used porn at this point, was when I was alone. My wife out. Sometimes looking for love in others. I lived a life of sobriety. Only the occasion drink of alcohol, and the dopamine release of cum to look forward to.
Another major shift for me was taking the drug LSD. I found myself thinking very deeply. I studied to idea of the “clockwork orange.” in relation to porn. I learnt a lot about my “inner child”.
Another drug which had a major impact was MDMA. Here I found myself going very deep into empathetic thought. I was learning and reshaping the kind of man I wanted to be.
I last used pornography this august, around the 14th. Since then I have masturbated,(in the bath, warm and wet!) but the masturbation has not been cum orientated. no headaches, just gentle caressing of my body. I have found now even pornographic thoughts have subsided. they seemed to be more attached to the frustration of wanting to make myself cum.
Sex with my wife has been amazing. More regular, and more intimate less about me wanting to cum, but rather just to be close with her. when I am alone, I love myself. I caress my own body. Sometimes kiss my own arms. Stroke my legs in a loving and sexual way.
About 3 weeks ago I found out about the divine masculine, feminine. Hence my user name. This has been very interesting for me. I love where I am now. I did find that prior to august. Using porn normally took my a while to get into. After I used it, I would always get the 24 hour craving. I.e. if I came 2 or 3 times one night the next day I would be desperate to repeat.
Now I am aware of sexualization everywhere in the media. but it is not “sexy” to me. Seeing my wife happy is! I find I can look at other men and women with non-sexual and loving eyes. Not as potential mates, or able to give me sexual satisfaction, but as human beings. Who like me can experience cosmic, divine enjoyment of life.
Thank you all for reading!
BY – divinemasculine
LINK – About 4 months + Porn free.
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